people change their minds
nothing's unconditional
traditionally habitual of human animals
predictably they always change their minds

but not you, no
you're not typical
you're unequivocal
I know exactly what you think
you're never finicky
because you unconditionally
unaccept me
your consistency is appreciated
as indicated by tears that ensue
so thank you
I mean it, I really do

stir fry rice in the black skillet pan
stove top breakfast but not enough time
blueberry coffee cake in room seventeen
outdoor windstorm inner demon fling
pride and accomplishment but sorrow as well
what if it's all down hill from now
best performance in practice compelled
what if that was the best I'll ever tell
what if the slam isn't great isn't perfect
wait

breathe
don't negatively dwell
feet wide, chest out, clenched fists, inner yell
power pose and your sound will grow
in this case
your sound of existence
may you ever be persistent
in working for your dreams

next on agenda, signature forgeries
for a cause of course no cons
light theft earlier today
held the door and stacked chairs
rules broken my way
skip to offer therapy, support, care
make you feel understood

I like to think that I'm chaotic good

stuck in the middle
where nothing is bad
but nothing is good
it's sad how drab it is
but at the same time
it's steady

reliable
consistent
in the worst ways possible
when you're in the middle you don't get any pity
lost in a city sea of other people
no one knows your name
and no one will care to learn it
every day the same
sometimes all that I want is to
burn it

there's an ocean of fire in my eyes
in my mind
another sky but hazy smoky
lazy low key
another day at home

another day of arguments
another day of tears
year after year of anger and hate
they say
it's hard for those whose parents split
but wouldn't I rather that than parents hit
though they only hit with words
arguably worse

since they have enough to put food in my mouth and clothes on my back
no social worker will ring the bell
since my bruises are not visual
invisible wounds are visceral
infliction controversial contradiction
extinction of hope

i came across a tutorial on propagating roses
my windowsill is full of propagated succulents
but i had never realized it applied here too

you once mentioned your dad was proud of his garden

on your twentieth birthday, i brought a bouquet for your parents
your mom asked me what type of roses they were
she rather liked how they smelled

we had a stack of empty yogurt pots on the counter
so i snipped a rose hip, planted and honey dipped
i wasnt sure if that family party was a recurring event
but i was deeply lost to your breath
absorbed in delicately moderated intent

we came to pick you up for your twenty first birthday
your mom asked us what kind of jello we would like in our shots
but you still had yet to invite us

the weekend-of i asked if your dad liked to garden
i asked if your parents would like a yogurt-potted rose
i asked if you would like a sapling
he was hesitant to accept, leaning towards no
its already a lot to keep up with what there is
though it was never specified which
and i think im falling out of love

but i wonder if i will ever tell you about the part
of how long that rose was on my patio, and through winter, inside
how from the very start
it was for them for you for this the future
it is hard to go, but i think i have become the executed suitor
as it would seem i am incapable of compromise

and i wonder if i will ever tell you about my heart
of how lately ive been thinking
that i do not really hope i will survive
sinking into tears alive
til love do us part

my head's a hollow jar
made of fragile glass
careful not to break
into a hundred shards

my eyes are made of cork
but very poorly so
as everything leaks out
puddles on the floor

ever closer to deciding
so simply said
it feels dividing
i want to be in love with you forever
but i want forever to be over
i could never kiss you goodbye
so i will never say hello
i never realized guilt could be a personality
but thats just all thats left of me
to hold your hand would be to jump into the sun
i hope you know that i will always remember you fondly
please look away while i mourn
or perhaps it wont particularly matter
perhaps i will be some place so far beyond the earths curvature -
out of sight out of mind so they say
and i will never be the same

sometimes
all that's
inside's
empty

there was fire in your hair when i held your head in my lap
your skin a touch so gentle a glass of water to my lips in the night
and i held you there when i knew that flames dissolve as in manner do dreams awaken in the light

relentlessly unyielding
what am i to do but apologize
a leash does not affect the facts
nor can such a thing be held with strictness

i shouldve known it would only be
a disgustingly short matter of time
and in such a repulsively simple moment
but of course that is when i am
an unguarded unsuspecting witness

crushed to the ground at your feet
kneeling in pools of tears and guilt
dare i even ask such undeserved forgiveness

sitting next to me she pointed to the keychain - smiling with a stranger like giggling at recess, how lucky, how lucky
the sky was not there when i went to the courtyard but instead a new set of stairs to a new set of bricks and cold quesadillas
i always thought loitering meant staying the night but i promise to tarry forever, how lucky, how lucky, i shouldt say such things i know, but how hard to resist when i hear someone on the other side on the other pane of glass, oh how lucky, how lucky, i look forward

I AM BREATHING.
THE ATMOSPHERE HAS TURNED TO PINS AND NEEDLES
IT HAS TURNED TO ASPHALT TAR
THE AIR IS FULL OF DISTANCE AND REGRET
BUT I AM BREATHING YET
THE OXYGEN HAS TEETH AND IT IS SCREAMING
BUT I AM BREATHING
I AM BREATHING.

slicing whispers
inside of your head
gun shots on your tab
liquor in your holster
several left for dead

awoken missed calls
to another eight hour stand
body pain and mental strain
say it's needed and
call this really living

call it present call it future
call it time forever further

they say a pictures worth a thousand words
and with eyes of fire you read me like a book
i want to ask how many words are on the pages
are there as many lines as blisters on my skin
as many as the tears ive spilled into your palms of flame
or can you count them on your fingers, can you count them on one hand
are there as many as the burn degree that i have sustained

find care felt apart
smart
starting young realize patience
cremation tastes this
****
dropped exploited shaken dark
explained in snark
carting baggage luggage part
a lot but late
leak steak lurking bait escaping shape
heart

gentle hands when gentle time collides
touch hair touch heart touch lives
include another in tactile feeling
grounding, remind them that they are worth being
the warmth that is held in the palm and the eyes
conveyed to each other through physical guide
how difficult to be vulnerable
to show scars with skin
but with touch, consolable
a human within

what's he saying
what's he saying
you don't get it do you
digging graves deeper
never six feet but thirteen now
costs of conversation ever steeper
how is it that every time you speak together
it becomes a shrieking endeavour
when will you stop
when will you stop
when did you stop
loving each other

what's she saying
what's she saying
why's she saying that to him
he tried to help
to please to pleasure
but nothing fits her standards
as she sits higher than her own slandered answers
she says she loves him

what's he saying
what's he saying
what he's saying
is he's done and through
with you
and your degrading ways
the price to pay for abusing stays
but he will not stay with it

he will stop the cinic
when the cinic will not stop herself
or stop listening at least
might miss the ring on his finger
but never in his ears
here's to bold-choiced new-life filled of tears
with years of shut in living
she said she loved him
but if she ever listened to what he was saying
she'd know how
what he's saying
is hopes for best
but goodbyes for now

red sun will i ever
will it will it forever
emblazoned within retinas
perpetually imprinted on every image seen
every breath taken
though not to be left forsaken
will it will it
inevitably loved in time unbounded
to drown in divinity expounded
something lasting profoundly undoubtedly will it will it
will it ever leave my mind

sending clouds through silver rollers in my mind
cornered treetops of seven-paned patchwork skyline
with glass reaching to the planes

it is in moments of solitary names that it comes to me so peacefully in pain -
i wish that i could make you understand
just how gentle it can be to feel such complete despair resting in your hands

but here i stay
i fear i may
be lost again today

and as the same
it would pertain
the pulse inside my veins

sectionals of sky before my eyes
and i will never find it wise
to simply let it by to my demise,
but i digress -

a budding desire to leave
an afterthought of tears sprouting in the fields
unreasonable hopes and unobtainable dreams
a small amount of lines on a screen - its hard to digest wheels and wings, but harder yet to stomach the prospect of being, of lying sleepless breathing
back pain creeping, repetition steeping, the only thing persisting keeping cling to aching missing fleeing
argumentative sitting
conversations of speculative dissonance, proliferated distance, insisting dismissive
artistically passive tragic and diminished
there is minimal drive, suffocated motivation with nothing particularly persuasive, save for invasive ideas of loving ways and pay that plays a part in paving optimistic savings for an all too distant day

A slice of paper inked with fist-fulls of letters for your tongue
Read it aloud, stand your ground, do me proud
With a great drink of air and the pulling of courage from the mud on your shoes
Just forget how you’ve been, and go out on this limb
You begin

her name not on your tab
her texts you've left on read
her smiles you don't have
her presence you now dread

corn flake dust
of feelings felt
daily broken trust
heart melt misfortune
the fires of sore sinned
lonely but options undesired
is it too much to ask
apparently

I'm tired

breathing music into water
fingers pinched around a wine glass stem
a phone screen in a locked room
avoiding dinner table gazes
why do you want that

extra hours for today
but never quite enough to escape
why does he feel like that

the only thing inside
the only thing i will deny
to suppress is to nourish in a twisted kind of way
to reach and to hold
there are no longer lungs within my ribs
[]
im sorry
i shouldnt say that
please forgive me when i say i still need to forget you

paper in my hands
remember why the residue taunts at the front edge
its funny now, after all that, theyre the same too

dark mode no prose, subject to monarchy
low dose closed eyes the way im not supposed to
why did you ask to see that

the sound of crust from bread
the empty bowl in front of me
the way i call the animal
im thinking of white stitching
why did you choose to watch that

here, now
how many times have those images slept within your eyes
and could it ever be said
the way it has rooted in my mind
i secretly hope and i desperately dont
and im sorry but why did you suggest that or do you even know

captured pitch
constellations understand
fragments marked cliché

fluttered catch
imperfections overwhelm
passage traced away

wednesday stint
permanently connected
weightless neared today

complex brick
independence constructed
coughing thumped display

seventy percent is needles in my head, bed sheets clean but not made yet
seventy percent is baby park pride, neighborhood rummage sales and mountain bike rides
seventy percent is school computer games, new DS names, broken back maimed
seventy percent is everything I did today except for homework
why'd you have to make it seventy percent
if it were less then maybe I would put forth
but it just feels impossible and efforts will be worthless
seventy percent is something bound to fail
seventy percent of my grade 'bout to derail

☆
inventory slots pockets brought
water savory lot ticket caught
☆
lights bring colors bring joy bring finicky listening luster leaping in custard
☆
pen going dont stop
time ticking watch the clock
rhymes and rhythm for the rock
shop this walk it dont just lock it
stop
☆

yes king slay best boy prince
baby belly love this simple verbal kiss
pat on the head cause you're doing so well
negativity expelled spills love as you tell
your love to him
your love to him he should value over all
sad smile thanks you but
it's not mutual
honey baby love just listen to me
I love him like I would if he were me
if I was him he'd love me back
but then again if he was me I wouldn't love like that
look
all you need to say is that you'll love me any day
cause darling baby boy it only works when it's both ways
if someone doesn't love us then that's okay
but we need to love each other if you'd let me just explain
the ultimate is happiness, on this we both agree
but means of obtaining, on level we don't see
really it just starts with reclaiming yourself, reign in yourself, and most of all remaining yourself
it all starts with you, baby boy, with me, and our joy
without disclaiming just be naming me as your love as your flame
and I'll be naming you I know as the one I'd like to stay
for if we have this fire light, we'll never be alone a day
seeing as we both
are one and the same

two bottles of coke
a fresh tablet and an open notebook
left behind for class
a heart's a heavy burden
but the smiles of the crew really make it worth it
just being in that space is all it takes

printed waltzes over rendered clouds
we played the song again
a kiss a dance a hug, careful steps with love
and then
a spoonful of center cake
but not sweeter than the hearts
of the people i partake

borrowed pages on a gymnasium floor
crowd sourced poetry interlude ensues;
an encore -
oh how i would love to live
with just the three of you

how gently i would hold you
your ribs against my arms
my fingers inbetween
a pulsing felt upon my palms
the softest flesh against my skin
how careful i would cradle it
it was vicious from the start
but there is beauty in violence
has anyone ever told you the fastest way to someones heart

tears are skin deep
in beauty moon wonder
takes my lonely youth away
they heal the bleeding peak
the boys smile numbly thunder
underneath holy force they lay

from heavens content petals prone
claim waiting names of ancient begged
those Saturday boys of wasted senses
desires swallow ghostly natural stone
perfection strung on madness famed
conversations threw perception wrenches

pharmacopoeia pseudo-heartbreak
boys of silk surrender's tone
numbers **** fixed clue compassion
they've knocked naive awkward sake
surrounded rot dwell spoken phones
talks grateful lake of mentioned passion

chronically perched he crouches on my shoulders digging into skin only resting when my thoughts become dreams when my mind has left reality behind, is it reasonable to believe i have a chance, is it just cruel to hope for survival when the existence is so visceral and i am brought to ruin by a glance

hearing thoughts alive of sky
summer hours running cry
a changing mark of ashes

I ignore poison poured filling actions forced
language aches of notes entire starting spinal coarse

honey painful self

desribe the concrete plain
washed suicide crash of brighter safety
set moth fades mouth maids
fruit and liquor
raging hazy dreams from couch and bed
lazy days another whiskey crazy

burnt crime cluster grime
customer chained dance
advanced beloved violent passion
stand your ground
keep your stance
a chance of no particular fashion

keyboards covering miles -
turbulent plights of backhanded fights, it isnt arguing if its explanation
i suppose for those whove known no difference in abrasive ways for twenty years of unchecked distance kissing specious missing patience, it is true or at the very least adjacent
drag the corpse if not complacent
heinous words are not creative
and lately all the heart i have has drained away to become tasteless

your driving is reckless
but im more concerned about the tires
and the fire in my throat

the bruises on my knees did not give respite
swiftly i was swept by my ineptitude
sick to my stomach when youre with me

i dont want it to be true
fingers crossed that its not the same for you
because all that i can say is

i just hope that i die quickly

long sleeve silver chain you feel like something different. does it matter will it change i think im going missing. im afraid that whats becoming bitter jaded pessimistic, crawling all that i had fallen the time had finally came

bearing marks of monthly faces
safety races faster than time
careful crime bothered the speed
of greedy circles eyeing ashes
car crashes sliding into birthdays
plastic rays bridging stolen gaps
of payments lasting grinning pity
in mercy city on planet danger
steady stranger listing sideways
right they form faced bullets
and same full pit lifeless mouths
sorrows endowed continue to consider
within her catching snap a melancholy tone
exposed and prone a younger mile crooked
pockets took its twelve fingers sworn
adorned on necklace rests
eternally festers in a sense
except intense purity wept confessed
anticipation checked and kept
nails curled over wire breaths
another morsel crept

as points of life are stripped away, one thing will yet remain. its funny how much it takes, the sheer amount of space for this inside my brain, theres not much else up there anymore.
and it is in times like these that i find not even a moment can pass without it, so it seems.
and i am lost within these green and golden waves, and for that i do apologize. it was never my intention and should have been a phase, but here i stand -
and here i feel. with only a single aspect left, i fear. it is unfortunately clear i caught a riptide despite wishing to stay dryly in the sand.
i cannot help but notice what swims the water at my side, and glancing back i cannot help but notice the coldness of my hands

soar blue skies
more to find
taste this sort of hue

you don't miss
sight fronted
sword's flight quick show

torn to life
you want it so
heaven or make some

youve never tasted cottage cheese
but would you try it with me
like the way ive never had carbonated blood
and would you spill it on my tongue
would you hold my face in your palms and drip into my eyes
would your tears reach my mouth
would you speak like they were mine

like the delicacy in a roadkill's silhouette
my teeth will leave a mark
an imprint from desire sunken gently through the surface
to break the skin like disturbing silent waters
i find some kind of aspect so alluring so grotesque
served cold over pavement
the world is the platter
the dish, my head

reality laughs at tomorrow as promises pull me back
grassy worries written under flowers return my nature fate
an answer for the shadow's teeth keeps moving, gently ready
walking smiles of golden places eat endless sand and hate
angels plan twisted poisons every evening wave
another painted innocent, left to make their grave
wearing fingertips as gloves his fading difference wanes
but my honey glory always keeps and washes daily shot from shirts
infinite yet burnt blankets offer strangers common prayer
a mere shout traced a rolling blade drives refusal under holes
again I'm claimed by explanation floating wishes torn and rare
scared below sacred thoughts of brushing matching hair

wallets unfolded out of pockets over windows under doors
silky hands flashing plastic no dollar bill encores
stripper poles in limousines an unattended hell
officer asks license unaware of what's in store
it's just as well
wallets unfolded out of pockets over windows under doors

it has only gotten worse.
i am terrified to speak the words aloud,
the guilt consumes me like maggots on a corpse.
i dont know how much longer i should stay or if leaving would even be any better because this is the happiest ive ever felt though i suppose at this point its less which one is better and more which ones less worse.
i mean look at this.
on my own **** paper and its not even original i feel like a puppy dog and i swear i am a real person with my own thoughts and desires a prime example being this completely unbounded feeling of fire that burns with blinding heat i cannot say it i cannot say it i cannot say it
and it destroys me.

inebriated ambitions caught between drywall with infuriating vision like the fire in a fissure in the trenches of the sea - a treacherous embellishment upon the rolling folds of blankets on rivers italics in bold

shes always been interested in dental hygeine. brought together by zero dollars but you cannot put a numeral on kindness

an appetite of boundless ferocity
from which you will never be free
the only progress sets you back
its no wonder from the very air you breathe
perpetually between
because when you cross the line
all control is gone and forever unseen
it is ceaseless, unrelenting
and this is how it has to be

like coffee filled with caramel
reeses cups and cookie butter
two hundred forty calories of coca cola
like a cupcake

surely you must understand

i have nothing to say for myself anymore.