Mon hippocampe,
Donne-moi juste deux minutes
Le temps que je te vaccine
Religieusement
De ma machette
Le temps que je chante ma diane :
La la la la la la la la la lo lé lo la !
La la la la la la la la la lo lé lo la !
Je psalmodie
Un, deux,
Un, deux, trois...
Un, deux,
Un, deux, trois...
J'offre cette rumba à la santé de nos petites morts
De ces petites morts
Qui nous précèdent, nous suivent et nous hantent.
Au son des trois tambours de la rumba
Tu chantes faite bouteille de rhum
Et je te réponds en choeur cuillère et verre vide.
A la première reprise, chassée croisée,
Tu chantes le thème
A la deuxième reprise, mollets cambrés,
Je chante aussi couteau et toi assiette.
A la troisième reprise,
Moi, rayon de lune de lune,
Toi, croissant de soleil,
Frappons des mains à l'unisson
Communions avec nos morts sur l'aire de danse
Qu'ont foulée leurs chevaux de possession
Qui nous tiennent encore en bride
Et contiennent nos ombres.

Je me présente : Orphée
Je bombe le torse et je te dévisage
Tu te présentes : Eurydice
Tu te déhanches avec malice et tu me toises.
Un, deux,
Un, deux, trois...
Un, deux, trois,
Un, deux...
Mélangeons les syncopes,
Pervertissons la parade,
Convoquons un nouveau rituel,
Désarticulons la chorégraphie,
Nos corps interchangeables fusionnent
En une seule ombre :
Tu m'aguiches,
Je trémousse des épaules,
Tu m'habilles et déshabilles de tes passes,
Et je te chevauche de mon foulard écarlate en miroir inversé.
Viens en marchant
Dansons, marchons,
Suivons la clave
Vêtus de blanc
Gratifions nos petites morts d'une rumba
Plions, élevons, sautons, cabriolons
Retombons, tortillons, détortillons
Cambre le dos que je me déhanche !

Entre postures et figures
Improvisons, rusons, sautons-matons
Caracolons
Dans le chaud tempo
Des trois tambours de la rumba.
Et si je te vaccine
A l'improviste
Dérobe-toi, esquive-toi, nargue-moi
Pour que nos petites morts applaudissent à tout rompre
Leurs virtuoses
Et tortillent elles aussi du croupion .

Go hang yourself, you old M.D.!
You shall not sneer at me.
Pick up your hat and stethoscope,
Go wash your mouth with laundry soap;
I contemplate a joy exquisite
I'm not paying you for your visit.
I did not call you to be told
My malady is a common cold.

By pounding brow and swollen lip;
By fever's hot and scaly grip;
By those two red redundant eyes
That weep like woeful April skies;
By racking snuffle, snort, and sniff;
By handkerchief after handkerchief;
This cold you wave away as naught
Is the damnedest cold man ever caught!

Give ear, you scientific fossil!
Here is the genuine Cold Colossal;
The Cold of which researchers dream,
The Perfect Cold, the Cold Supreme.
This honored system humbly holds
The Super-cold to end all colds;
The Cold Crusading for Democracy;
The Führer of the Streptococcracy.

Bacilli swarm within my portals
Such as were ne'er conceived by mortals,
But bred by scientists wise and hoary
In some Olympic laboratory;
Bacteria as large as mice,
With feet of fire and heads of ice
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stamping elephantine rumba.

A common cold, gadzooks, forsooth!
Ah, yes. And Lincoln was jostled by Booth;
Don Juan was a budding gallant,
And Shakespeare's plays show signs of talent;
The Arctic winter is fairly coolish,
And your diagnosis is fairly foolish.
Oh what a derision history holds
For the man who belittled the Cold of Colds!

When I was a little lassie my Grandad and I
were very fond of each other indeed
(although not sexually I must add
before you suspicious buggers start complaining).

Over the hills and fields we used to wander just like, er,
...let me think of a nice metaphor here...
er, like a man and his granddaughter or
like a couple of not so lonely clouds.

Oh how joyfully we would seek out rare birds’ nests
so as to smash the eggs to bits in a frenzy of joy,
which we both enjoyed a lot as it was, er, reet good fun
and a statement of individual choice we both appreciated.

Sometimes we would noisily take a steaming **** together
(although ABSOLUTELY NO ****** contact ever took place
I really must reiterate that for all you ***-abuse-obsessives,
but he had a stupendously big ***** for an old codger).

When we got home in the evening dear old Grandad
would usually make us a nice *** of builders' tea
and some ****** great doorstop sandwiches, but
even at that tender age I would have opted for a good stiff whisky.

Or, come to think of it, a large glass of chilled Chardonnay,
and a plateful of smoked salmon or some oysters,
but the old ******* was teetotal (at least in public) -
either that or just plain ******* mean as Hell.

Darling wizened Granny would make us some toast
out of leftover stale Mother’s Pride white bread,
but, being half blind, the silly fat old cow usually managed
to burn it to a sodding inedible cinder.

On Sundays they would get the gramophone out
and put on some tango 78 records
as they loved Latin American dancing and a good old *****
of each other's flaccid, age-withered buttocks.

How happily I remember the old couple tangoing away
just like a couple of wrinkled whirling ****** dervishes
to 'La Cumparsita' recorded by Mantovani & His Tipica Orchestra
on 20th June 1940 and issued on the Decca label.

They also taught me how to do the rumba
(oompah, oompah, stick it up your jumpah)
and I became quite an expert at the Cuban samba
(which my beloved Grandad wittily called the *****).

How joy-filled were those faraway times of my golden childhood.
but one day I went round only to find an ambulance outside
and the paramedics told me the old pair had been found dead in bed,
their boudoir resembling an abattoir at closing time.

Grandad had bashed the old *****’s brains out
with a red-hot poker during some depraved *** session
and then shoved it eighteen inches up his own *******
which must surely have stung his piles quite a bit.

But what a creative way to go - I bet he danced a bit
as the steaming poker seared his poor back passage.
And thus my grandparents ascended up into the sky -
may they stay forever young in the company of the angels.

Let me again emphasis our friendship was purely platonic
because this was in the rare old times of yesteryear
when widespread paedophilia was not yet a gleam in the eye
of some trash newspaper editor eager to engage with the plebs.