I fixed your tie today
Today you wore a tie
I placed my hand upon your knee
And tried hard not to cry
We made promises to promise
And I thanked God that you can walk
We drank smoothies in the parking lot
And talked
And talked

I wish you were here to ease the tension in my stomach
And kiss away my headache
But every word you say to me is as sweet as potatoes and molasses
And just by looking at a picture of you -
I feel all else evaporate
And I know
It never has to come back

Every word you say is perfect
I feel like I cannot deserve it
You kiss me gently, never fearing
That it isn't true what I am hearing
Your breathless laughing
Your heavy breathing
Your promise to keep me happy
Always keeping
Me by your side
And never further
You are the proof
That words
Can be perfect

She came -
Dripping in blood
Like all the plagues of heaven
Ethereal torture
I've fallen in love -
With a demon

I love your name and the way it fits next to mine. I love that you have two middle names - one you hate and one you can't spell. I love that you're older than me. I love that you're responsible. I love that you're funny and silly. I love that you lived in Africa. I love that you have friends all around the world. I love that you love Dalmatians. I love that you're a dog person. I love that you love Thai food. I love you when you're sick. I love when you're healthy. I love waiting in the hospital for you while you have a check up. I love that you tell me about your doctors. I love that you're taking Physics. I love that you're making friends. I love the little curls behind your ears. I love the roughness of your beard. I love the blues and blacks and silvers in your eyes. I love the way you smile, so crooked and perfect. I love that you're going to be an engineer. I love that you're supportive of me. I love when you make me sandwiches - especially the ones with pickles and ham. I love to cook with you. I love stealing your clothes. I love how our hands fit perfectly together. I love the way you demand I take my socks off so I can keep your feet warm. I love that you buy me roses just cause. I love when you pick me up from school. I love that you made me read your favorite books. I love your favorite books. I love the way you smell. I love the place where your neck meets your shoulder, because by head fits perfectly. I love watching Unbreakable Kimmy *******with you. I love going to concerts with you. I loved sitting in the Neptune, waiting for Streetlight Manifesto to come on, trying to get you to kiss me. I love our first kiss. I love the poems you write me. I love falling asleep in your bed, with your arms around me in the middle of the day. I love your little brother. I love your sister. I love your opinions on wedding dresses. I love the way to talk. I love how much you talk and what you talk about. I love your head and your heart. I love your character and your personality. I love the way you say my name. I love your laugh. I love your dreams. I love your optimism. I love your cynicism. I love your idealism and your realism. I love your arms. I love your dogs. I love the posters on your walls. I love that you know so much about music. I love your guitars. I love the stuffed animals you got me. I love your handwriting. I love the way you draw. I love the way your hair looks when you wake up. I love waking up thinking about you. I love the way you stare at me when you think I'm especially beautiful. I love when you tell me I'm beautiful. I love that you work with my sister. I love that you take me out. I love that you make sacrifices for me. I love how smart you are. I love how you always make me laugh. I love that I can make you happy even when you don't want to be. I love that I miss you. I love that you miss me. I love your tattoo ideas. I love our future daughters name. I love our future daughter. I love our future son. I love our plan. I love how well I know your voice. I love going on walks with you. I love playing with your fingers. I love that you let me paint your nails. I love sending you kisses on Facebook. I love scrolling through tumblr and FML with you. I love singing with you. I love playing made up games with you. I love telling you I love you. I love your chest and stomach, and I love laying my head on them. I love that you are always so happy. I love that we communicate without words. I love that we've been together for almost 2 years. I love that it will be much longer. I love that romantic movies make me miss you. I love your taste in everything. I love that you're punk. I love when you sing to me. I love being on stage with you, and making you smile. I love playing card games with you. I love that you find my hair on your clothes. I love talking about God with you. I love when you wear a hat. I loved going to Comic-Con with you. I love how you always make me happy. I love that you liked me back. I love that you texted me first. I love you. And I love that you'll at least try and read this whole thing, just cause.

I realized something tonight
I realized that there is enough space next to me for you to sleep
A perfect you - shaped space -
Where you can lay -
And wrap your arms around my waist
I'll have to sleep spread eagle then
So I don't have to think about the fact that you aren't here to fill the space beside me
I've never slept well on my back
But I'll sleep worse if I can't pretend that I don't know you're gone

She doesn't know what to do anymore.
Her heart pounds around her until it feels like a stampede -
About to be trampled.
Help her. Help her.
She falls asleep every night after her anxiety fights its way through her medication -
And beats her until she bleeds.
But sleep is no rescue -
Because the devils in her dreams.
Demons, dying, monsters, heartbreak, torture, humiliation -
She can't escape the hell that invades sleep - and is still waiting for her when she wakes up.
An animal - poised to rip out her throat.
She wakes up already in the middle of a panic attack - praying only drowns her thoughts in thinking.
And every second of every moment of every day that she's stuck in her various prisons -
Drags on and digs into her like nails until she wishes she could just find the blood, find the wound -
So she could mend it.
No one else seems to be bothered like she is - no one else understands what it's like to live in panic.
Almost done with her 11th year but there's still always another. Another. Another.
Doesn't want to let her meds take over - because the second she falls asleep -
She'll have to wake up.
And waking up is the worst part.

The second before your taillights disappeared around the bend of my road -
My voice escaped in the smallest sob of
"No."
Because it never hurt me more to watch you go

As I stumbled along the beach
If you can call it a beach
Too rocky and thick
But the rocks
Steel gray
Dark green
Pale blue
Dull gold
Milky white
Coal black
And deep red
Are still beautiful
As I walked on the rocky beach
Amongst the sandy driftwood
Clay and bones
The mountains turned pink with lust
For the golden sun
And the buildings on Camano
Shone in Her like fire
I watched the moon rise silently
And the golden fingers of the Sun creep back towards the horizon
I remembered the night when I got hit my a firework
And the embers merged with my skin and seared me
While the fireworks exploded in halos around your head
And you stared at me
I don't think the embers ever left my chest

Sitting in the waiting room of a Children's Hospital
Orange plastic church
Of medicine
There's a beautiful woman with a head scarf and a baby
And you've disappeared behind a door
So many appointments
So many checkups
For me at least
I've only been in a hospital twice before -
When my sister was having her babies
I was only in the waiting room
And now she's getting divorced
Come out soon please

But I could do this again
I could do this as much as you needed
I'll be there fire every appointment
Every checkup
Even if some day -
It stops feeling like so many
Come out soon please

I hate that you're sick
Even when you're healthy
Surgery doesn't scare you -
But if it really does, it's okay
The baby is wearing a blue hat
She's sweet
Ours will be too
Please come out soon

Your dad and I are sitting on complete opposite sides of this couch
I don't know if either of us will ever be used to one another
I am still fond of him
I'll hug him at our wedding
And we'll give him grandchildren
I don't mind that he's grumpy
I just hope he likes me
But please come out soon