I didn't know why he hurt me
but I wish I could forget
I don't remember when I started
but I wish I could quit
I couldn't make them love me
but I wish they'd take me back
I cant learn to be a part of the pack
but I wish they wouldn't leave me
i wouldn't be able to lie
and say i didn't wish i had a family
I wont survive if I jump
but I just wish I could fly

I wish I was silent.
Your words wouldn't be so violent
I'll stop seeing red, but a pastel violet
I just wish that I was quiet

I wish I wasn't so loud.
Maybe then you'd be proud
My words wouldn't draw a crowd
If I wished I didn't speak out loud

I wish I didn't always overshare
Spilling embarrassing secrets just so you'd care
So maybe one day I'll finally be aware
And I wish I didn't have to feel this despair

I just wish I wasn't ignored
But I didn't want myself to just be stored
And so that's when I poured and poured
I just wish I could get my reward.

I wish my mouth was sewn shut.
I could walk normally, instead of strut
Thanks for all your punches in the gut
I just wish I stopped talking, and so what?

for years I've had to roam
never really finding home
I've always felt so alone
till you came into my life
though there's still pain and strife
I know now I'll make it through
as long as I have you
in all I do I try to impress them
to be accepted
as one of their own  
i don't like feeling
but i want you to know
just how much
it means to me
that y'all let me be
a part of your family

when I really need them
the words wont come
neither will art,music,or
the one who left the one I need
so I turn to the things that never leave
yes they're unhealthy ,yes they could **** me
but just for a moment these things
they fill me with the calm I seek
the peace I need
as the blood begins to leak
all my thoughts start to leave
and as the smoke rises up
my mind follows
so I don't have to think
or remember the pain
so I'm not the same
I'm funny and calm
its stupid I know
but don't tell me that
cause I remember when I had no where to go
you turned your back
you left me alone
to deal with the lack
of love or father or even a home
so I found a way
I struggled to cope
but now you come back
just to say
I'm not living right
like I have no clue
that you messed up too
then you claim you're a new person
that you've changed
but that doesn't matter
cause I'm still the same

alone in your mind
                                you try not to think
                    cause It sends shivers
          down your spine
every time
       you remember
                 how the world seemed to freeze
                             deep and dark like December
                                                           It's over now
                                                                        but the pain
                                                                               still remains
                                                                          like a tattoo in your brain
                                            so you push it down you push through
                and remember the one that used to push you                             close your eyes and try to recall
                 all the things you used to do
                                                      together
                                                             forever, a promise they
                                                                                COULD NOT KEEP
                                        you slip into waters too deep to climb out
                                on your own
              searching for a home
longing for love
       praying you wont always be alone
                               that at the end of it all
                                             you'll have someone to call
                                                          or something to break your fall
                                  

                                 Ring.. Ring.. Ringgg...
                               oh **** is that my phone ?

why does this happen every time
why are there so many happy families just not mine
why have i lost the one thing i cant find
why do i have a broken mind
and broken home
and scars from being left alone
and a fear rooted so deeply in my bones
knowing that i haven't grown and that ill be
6ft under with a stone
that says failure

Each
Day
I
Pray
To slay
My depression.
Never been a quitter,
But I’d like to quit this obsession.
This obsession with my sadness.
And with my social status.
It’s like I fetishize the madness
Endlessly raging
Inside of my soul.
And I swear I don’t have
A place to just go
And lay low
For a while.

A place where I don’t
Have
To
Fake
A
Smile.