i dont like the feelings you give me
like discarded gifts with ripped wrapping paper,
a "sorry" and a promise for more later.
anger builds like a carpenter early in the morning
restructuring and stabilizing walls i put up
for people like you, and i knew but here i am.
always relying on the world outside myself
to lend a hand. and *******, can i breathe please?
suffocating on everything you think i should be
where's the spiritual audit?
where's karma?
where's the righteous accounting for being everything i said i was, for not doing the things you think i did, and for not dying.
no cameras to show how ****** up this all is,
no one to hold my hand tightly as they say what i really needed to hear two years ago:
NOT THIS ONE.

I wake up creaking,
stiff and wanting to cry,
from pain or sadness,
I'm not sure.
I wake up not here:
still dancing in lilac fields
where nothing seems to matter,
where you disappear
and my stress follows.
I wake up not wanting to;
wishing I could turn over
and rock myself back to oblivion.
I wake up cursing
and I know it's a new day.
I know the sun comes back around
but fate seems like a *******
and it won't let me in
am I going to be great
or am I just here?
I wake up waiting.

When existing is the same as breathing in water
Drowning, sinking to the bottom of the deepest sea
As the sun gets tired from making everyone else shine
And dips her weakened toes into the depths of what is
Slipping past what could be and slumbering
At the edge of every river i’ve cried
Trying to be more than the dead end of the void.

I am here
And that baffles me
How much longer
Must i fake;
Must i lie like i
Love to love the love we love
Thats in love because love is a mask that never was.
I am what i am
And that baffles them
How much longer
Will i die inside
Writhing and screaming
Waiting for the world to be what it should be and end.
Like a pickup line to my sanity
Ill rip through the void;
Ill crack; burst apart eventually.
What fears ail me
So intangible yet enshrouding
Blinding me as i walk the coals
Of your speech and reverie
Is it your life im shamelessly
Crouching in the corner of?
Is it your soul im eating
Snake end to end
Unraveling and racing towards the beginning
Just to be at the end.

i wanna go to sleep
and never wake up
i want the world to stop,
to halt mid spin
and breathe me into the nothing,
the black abyss that awaits
deaths kiss, and id beg
to be released
to be let go of
break me so i can go home
**** whats left of my sanity
so i can check out
and never come back again.

you disrupt me
I'm feeling too much at once
I'm feral but only where you cant see
the line between what makes you
and what hates me
is too close
unsteady in the corners that shielded me
hoping they protect me
from what has always eaten away at me
I give too much
I feel in infinities
"Some infinities are bigger than..."
I wished and I prayed
but hope seems to lag
passive aggressively sailing on by
demanding I switch to live
urging that the way to combat
the will to give
is to take.

Veiled wounds in the mind
A tired soul cant use honey to catch the flies
Too many attempts, blood flows when she tries
A mirage of water in a desert;
The illusion of calm serenity
Parched and starving on your ideology
I sit wading in the dark, impatiently.
What darkness spills forth now
As the disillusionment wanes
What power in the emptiness
The numb causality of being callously tamed:

A caged animal will bite the hand that bleeds it.