The games we play
you and me and
our rollercoaster
ups and downs
side to sides
shifting gravity
right-side up but
now upside-down
draw me in to you
throw me out again
so much fire
flaming hot passions

but the chaos
some days I feel
about to snap
burst into bits
spontaneously combust
maybe borrow one
of your blades
and stab you
while you sleep
because the lies
the mind-*******
savage trickery
deceitful games

but when you're good
and you hold me
snug against your chest
your heart beating
drum beats in my ear
the way you
come in for a kiss
the warmth blooming
inside my center
desire and need
and then you
crack a joke
I find myself giggling

and between us
a rather strange
balancing exists
a sense that if
we were healed
from traumas past
living as the
best version of
ourselves, both
that we would
somehow be able
to conquer anything
an epic team
and even now
in the present mess
we're resilient and
have proven we can
get through
difficult, painful things

so despite your
violent behaviors and
verbal abuse
when your anger
burns you up
from the insides
regardless of
so many things
I shouldn't tolerate
all the reasons
telling me I
should walk away
I can't bring myself
to leave you
can't fathom at all
meaning it when
I'm ******* and
tell you it's over
always *******
when I shriek it's
done and goodbye

perhaps one day
I'll run out of
patience for it
reach my limits
split off from you
go down a new road
alone, find myself
make my own way
but that won't
happen any time soon
because there's something
something inside you
a unique force?
unusual energy?
impossible to know
with any certainty
but it bonds us
me to you
and I believe
also you to me
firmly holding us
together, as if
it's our fate to be
and I wouldn't dare
miss out on any
chance we might have
nor our lessons
needing to be learned

I see the good
all that's beautiful
truth of what you
hold within you
so I accept your
darkness, will find
forgiveness for the
moments it
runs the show
hopeful you'll endure
my shadows and
toxicities that I
can't always control

I'd love to just
love each other
through all of it
highs, lows and
every direction imaginable
if we just
don't ever surrender
if we never do
give it all up
delighting in the
good times we have
while finding purpose
and learning ways
we can be improved
when things get bad

it's not at all
a lie when
I say I believe
you're absolutely
worthy of it all

so here's to
another day we've
made it through
decided to keep on
surviving despite our
arguments and upsets
I don't regret
my choice to remain
and I feel
not a bit of
remorse or shame
for wanting to
stay and be
Mr. Moore's girl
and it's with my
whole heart and
my inhuman soul
I speak the words
I'm about to say -

I love you so
very much, Sir
love love love you
beyond what mere
language can convey
and every day
we make it through
gives me more
incentive to keep
my grip on us
held as tightly as I can
so I hope
you feel as inspired
wanting for us
to thrive
with determination
that you'll work for
our relationship
most diligently
and maybe
one day those
games we play
to hurt
one another can
and do subside

I'm all in
if you will be too
it takes two
to tango, ya know?
and I really do
think, feel, believe
I could find
joy in spending
the remaining days
I have in
this particular life
loving you

I wish it was just so easy
and I could just cling to you
keep you safe close to me
and let you hold me
with those strong tattooed arms
and years from now find
ourselves with countless stories
detailing the moments
our love could have -
but did not collapse
each of the trials we faced
strengthening our bond
so instead of faltering
our love only grew

wouldn't that be nice?
wouldn't it be so precious?
so beautiful and sweet?
to have our passionate newness
metamorphisize, and from that
lustful fires intensive flames
be forged a deep and real
yet fairytale-esque bond
every young girls daydreams
the ideal model for their
fantasy image of what
"true love"
ought to look like
the projected sense they held
after each Disney princess movie
downloaded and set up
a database of
unrealistic expectations
for their futures
those days and years
still thought of unjadedly
hopeful imaginings
filling their innocent heads

I myself have lived too long
too many years, weathered
by not so pretty truths
experienced life and
the harshness of reality
I've felt the sharp teeth
of the world
sink in and rip away
obliterate and strip away
my dreams and hopes
and more than just
a time or two
Never could I now
convince myself
of such a lovely
illusionary possibility
I know better
and I know also
the damage such a
belief in utter *******
could potentially create

but you do something
you awoke that child
naive and hopeful,
passionately alive
filled to the brim with joy
elated by existence
the girl I used to be
inside my chest
she's opened her eyes
I thought she was dead
but now I hear her
whispering and bright
so I'll ask you
the same question
she's presented to me

What does it matter
if we can't or don't
Or whatever
so what if we never succeed
we have only this moment
the one right here
the one that's right now
and there's no reason
for us to not try
to just jump in
head first, over our heels
a blind leap into
the mysterious unknown
like the Fool
intent on his journey
with nothing but his faith
that the Universe knows
the Universe will catch him
if he were to fall
why not just hold on
You and me together
and race to the deep end
and when we hit air
just savor every moment
and maybe who knows
Maybe we'll find out
perhaps we really can fly
with wings of --- and love
on our hearts song wind
What if we can?
And what if we do
After all?

My ridiculous heart leads me astray
Deep dives, again and again and again
I've found another lover with games to play
I attract sociopaths; narcissistic broken men

I'm quite aware they'll never change
I know they're not my responsibility to fix
This pattern is so ******* strange
Why do I force myself to live in conflict?

There must be something off inside me
Something in my brain must've glitched
I stay imprisoned, though I hold the keys
My reason to madness indicators, switched

I cannot heal their trauma bent hearts
I'm incapable of providing what they need
Broken darkness within isn't a form of art
Foolishness enough to make me bleed

They put on a show so presumptive to start
It's so easy to overlook the tell-tale signs
And my denial skills top the masters charts
Sanity checks out, my common sense resigns

I should know so much better by now
Maybe it's not that I don't realize or know
Perhaps it's something my mind allows
There's a part of me that thrives on ******

Whatever the truth of my why may be
I do believe it's time for this cycle to end
I'm burned out by the utter absurdity
I'm not happy and I'm done playing pretend

Loving him doesn't mean I should stay
Potential doesn't mean he'll choose to grow
Lying to myself with promises of "someday"
No. I've already spent enough years in limbo

It's time to relinquish my attempts to control
Sorrow and hurt, no matter, I need to let go
Here I'm not helping, I'm suffocating my soul
How would it feel to move into Universal flow?

Certainly there's abundant joy to be found
Power in relinquished attempts to gain power
My world doesn't have to be a battleground
I could exist as simply as a delicate wildflower

Though aware, I still have a choice to make
Knowledge and knowing alone won't save me
Not from uncertainty or potential heartbreak
I have to choose to behave, to live differently

I don't honestly know if I'll ever get there
Lacking the courage, I doubt my capabilities
Too comfortable living in my familiar warfare
Predictable chaos, I can live with hostilities

I'm not admitting defeat just yet, however
Too much of me desperately wants change
So much importance within this endeavor
Someday maybe it won't be beyond my range

I'll keep on trudging through every day
Holding on to my hope, my eyes opened wide
Perhaps a door will appear, creating a way
If I trust it to, the Universe will provide

My beautiful ******* monster
My delicate orchid of raging war
Our time has not yet
Run out, because -
Beyond right and wrong
Beyond out dated concepts of
Good and evil
I will find the space inside
Deep in the middle, and
Hidden betwixt infinite worlds
A field of wildflower rainbows
With ribbons of colors swaying
Art forms dancing
The song a peaceful wind
Come, My love! Seek me out!
We will be reunited there, after
This moment, this then and gone
Timeless blink has lifted its eyelids
Mine, yours, ours and
Everyone, just the
Energy and passion
The true  existence beneath
The love of The Universe,
Our igniting force; a lullaby
Melody so perfect, created
And our laughter following, when
We realize the truth, see
What is genuine existence;
Remember our essence, our truth
And are restored
Because we are dualistic
We have been split apart -
Temporarily severed from
Our eternal state of being
Where we burn as
Our own selves and yet
We are also each other
And when our souls collide
We will once again be made whole
In the infinite, My Love
We are in fact already
Reunited in our love there
More beautiful than before

It's been nearly seven years since we first met
Memories a jumbled blur of discontent

I've let the uglies swoop and swirl about
Preserving my calm, my silence more days than not
A toxic attempt for securing peace
With only a mere handful of drunken outbursts;
Alcohol the doorway to displeasure leaking
To melancholy creeping, precursors to the eruption of my hidden turmoils
Breaking free from their cage of suppression

Pretending not to notice as pebbles -
even boulders
Of mephitic waste began to dimple our bond
A connection already held by fragile, whispy strands
For convenience, I denied and ignored -
with such vehemence!
The growing weight of the unacknowledged stones
Unfortunate truths granted undisputed leave from my cognizance
Moments to days to this verge of seven years

This burden of ignorance has grown heavier than I can continue to bear
And fewer of the rocks can be hidden away
The truth of the sickness living amongst us;
The severity of the cancerous tumor
Spreading like wildfire,
Turning all that I am into blackened smears
of unsalvageable ash

Now after years of slowly fading away, and
Parts of who I was obliterated beyond repair
I stand in shock, and bundled in shame
Over how I've allowed you to treat me
The complete control my negligence (allowed?) You to take
And while I blame you for the bullets you used
To shoot down my self worth and vibrancy
I blame myself for the self loathing,
Already quite enough in the very beginning
To hand you every key you needed to
Unlock and dismantle me

I'm too tired to mine a shard of empathy from the darkened cave protecting my heart
And the time to repair the fractures has passed
Your words and accusations, throwing the blame on me, even as you beg me to stay
I'm sorry but this time I cannot stay
I have to salvage the remains of me before I'm entirely dust
And admit to everyone, but myself most of all,
That some things were just never meant to be saved.

**** this nonsense
I used to be
I was a human
I had feeling
Now I'm empty
Without words
My language fails me

I settled for you
And I closed up
Like a cocoon
But this butterfly is dying
I don't think
I don't
That this butterfly is going to emerge

You've pushed me so far down
I've forgotten who I am
You're murdering my soul
Shredding my essence

And I didn't notice
I just forgot
I forgot I was a living being

But now I see
And I will fight
I will brawl
Until my death
To set myself free
And be who I am

How did I forget?

pushing, pulling
stretching, contracting
so back and forth
almost as if
our relationship is
made of rubber bands

so I am trying
training myself
to be more flexible
but there's something
I can't seem to
accept; I can't
just let go and not
dwell on with
such unproductive
worry, worrying...

how long do I possess?
just how long until
this rubber band grows
brittle and snaps?
how long until
we're devoid of our
elasticity
and left with
only scrap bits
of ugly little pieces
repulsive grey shreds
scattered about randomly
- mere garbage, serving
as nothing more
than so much *******
littering our floors?

maybe I should
just ask this -
how much time
are you capable
of giving to me
without your being
within my presence
a forced effort?
and not a
personally desired
behavior of choice?

because, you see
although I will hold out
until the last
moment possible
I want to have
at the least, a
meager pathetic hint
warning me and
giving me time
to prepare
my mind and
my scar-riddled heart
for another lashing
so I won't be
entirely broken and
worthless when you
go and break it
break and shatter
chip another chunk away
from what little
I have left
that deformed glob
of an *****
pumping my blood
throughout my veins
and keeping me
a lost ******
I loathe this that
I am already
a weak, ugly
prisoner of my
own malicious
and traitorous
****** beating heart