Stop telling me I’m not alone
Just because so many others feel alone
Meanwhile, none of you make me feel seen
And it’s my fault because I just cling
Onto a shred of affection or attention
And connections are sabotaged
By my own self,
By being my own self
People have tried to love me
And now they stay away
Because I can’t behave
I can’t get better in the name of a relationship
I can’t change myself at my core for you
And the you is interchangeable
I break and fix with patchwork
All to replace the one person who I loved first
Mother dearest you’ve left this wound
This shipwreck, and its sunken below
The sharks and fish swim in and out
And no one will ever know
That I was once afloat
I ask someone remembers me
How I was then,
But I cannot even do that myself
Because there was never a before you
And there’s been no after you
It’s perpetual, I still scream out your name
At night when I feel your presence wane
You’re a floor below
But no matter if we’ve leveled
I’ll never reach you
I want this version of you I created
That repaired the you that sullied me
To be so real, I won’t question it
And it never is
You might as well have died
Before I even got to know you
Because I’ve never had a mother
Just a woman who yelled then smothered
A woman who threatened then pampered
Inflated then deflated my worth
And it’ll never leave me
Your impact teases me
Even still, I miss you so
I miss the mom I made out of snow
I’m a creator
I make things my reality
Live it as if everyone is
Until I no longer can
I remember snowfall
In a desert like land
It’s easier to make you out of snow than sand