i fill this hunger
with mouthfuls of rich red juice
hoping to quell
the pit of desperation
i spin my vessel of flesh and bones around
and around
hoping to provide a blur
of meanings and lines
which no one can
dissect nor decipher
and when I crash
finally
when I crash
the hard cool cement rises up
to greet me
colliding with soft
otherwise untouched skin
I smile
giddily
drunk on my own apathy
a merry go round
array of thoughts
all tumbling with no end in sight
if I fail to cease them
i can at least confuse them
with spinning dials
until there is no more room for unloading
instead an ever rotating disc of colours
deep blues extending into verdant green
then cheeky yellow tinges impeding upon warm amber hues
a palette of mixed emotions
oozing out of me
better out than in, right?
I tell myself as I continue to spin
the dangerous game of momentum
building up inside of me
pitilessly
allowing the individual strands
to entangle
and teetering
I watch
my strands of stability unfurling
hooked on playing devil's advocate
to my own mind
forsaken guards
to the entrusted internal tower
when the outside threatens
to pull you into its fold
around
and around
and
around
I spin
and when I crash
yet again
i stay there
for some time
giving in to the rich red juice
i permit it to infuse
my hair
my hands
my mind
a crash and a demise
one end to another
one point dissolved into an inscrutable rounding
my little game of risk and falling
into saturated throes of bliss
this is how I satiate
the hunger
that haunts.