it's been years
and i'm still healing
still trying to figure out how to be a person
on my own

i thought i found real love
but it was just proximity
you were there
so i clung to the idea of us
and when we weren’t side by side anymore
there was nothing left

i begged for love
for attention
for something
and got silence in return

i didn’t know who i was then
i thought i did
but looking at women now
i realize i wanted them—not you

and sometimes i still feel disgusted with myself
like maybe it’s not really okay
to be gay
not when i can’t even tell my mom

will i ever find someone
who loves me for who i am
not who i pretended to be
not what i gave them

i’m so tired
of trying again
of hoping again
of being let down by love
that was never really love at all