I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I’m trying
I’m really trying

believe me

I gave in again
I gave in to the voices again
I—
cut myself again

please

please forgive me
please—
I didn’t mean to—
no, I did
but not like that
not to hurt you
but now it feels like I did

please don’t leave me

not like she did

please
stay a little longer
just a while
just—
forever?
I’ll get better, I promise

I promise

I just—
I can’t be alone
not in this house
not in this war-zone of a home
where voices break more than silence
where hands break more than glass

I—
I can’t stay here
or I fear—
no, I know—
the darkness will take me

please,
my love—
forgive me

you said
you’d never leave
you said
you’d stay
but what if one day
you get tired?

what if you see
I’m not something
you can fix?

what if
I never mend?

I don’t want to be like this forever.

but I’m scared

because all I’ve ever known
is hurt
instead of love

they were supposed to be better—
the ones who took us in
but the mother had fists like storms
and the father—
I don’t want to say it
but it stays inside me like rot

and now—
no, now I sound like I want pity
like I want someone to look at me
to see me

social media says
I’m an attention seeker
for saying this
for feeling this
for needing someone to listen

even my own therapist feels like a lie

what was I even talking about?

…oh

cutting myself

I got carried away, didn’t I?
I always do.

I’m just—
I don’t know
I don’t know how to stop
I don’t know how to let go

the grudge I hold—
it’s eating me alive

I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I—

I put more scars into my body
again
again
again

if they find out
they’ll send me away
they’ll—

please
please don’t let them

please help me

please—

Maryann,
help me.