dear moon,

oh dear, what have we got here?
don't cry.
i mean, it might feel nice to laugh about it now.
so delete it all,
the pictures and messages and screenshots.
delete it all if it makes you feel better.
switch to another account and pretend like nothing happened,
if it makes you better.
you keep telling yourself that you wish he would just say what he means,
look at what you're doing.
do what you want until you feel better,
you might forget for a little bit.
you might want to fly away into the storm,
you might succeed in doing so.
anything to make you forget for a little bit.
you still have his message though.
untouched,
unread,
you're going to have to respond sometimes.
so many excuses, run away for a little bit, make yourself forget by putting the silk cloth over your face, tell yourself that no, this isn't real, just for now.
but he's still there.
it all still happened.
stop trying to run away, moon.

that was it.
that was the last of your voice.
i need you here now.
i need you right now.
please tell me that there's more of your voice,
that you're still here with us,
with me.

i always heard that it's good to take a step back and look at everything.
so i did.
i realized that my life is Not color and pink skies.
it's full with people whom i call friend who don't bat an eye if i fall,
full with family who laugh when my heart bleds from their words,
full with trauma and thoughts that haunt me and hold me back without even me realizing it.
i want to be free from all of this.
i've tried painting the canvas white over and ove yet buckets of spilled paint seep through the binding,
never letting me forget of everything i've tried to run from.
i don't want my life to be color anymore.
if this is living, i don't want it.

and just like that,
light, fresh air, seeing everything, seeing Myself, seeing how i've lived up to this point, everything, all of it
all at once.
the veil was lifted again and the person i was seems so far away.
there is no past.
this is a clean slate.
i am a new person.
i am not my past, it just happened to me, i am not stuck there because if i was, i wouldn't be here.

i am here.
i am not there or anywhere but here.
going up and forward.
no more looking behind my shoulder,
no more opening scars,
no more of that.

i am reborn.

you look like an angel from a renaissance painting.
you are love personified.
it's hard to believe that we're here together,
on this earth,
alive at the same time.
looking at you makes me feel both grounded and out of this world.
i don't why i want to text you all the time,
telling you how even my cereal reminded me of you,
wondering if you'd like the same kind too,
or how i'll call you when i'm laughing at something and i want to share with you too.
sometimes i'll look at you while we're walking together and it'll feel like i'm floating.
everything fits with us.
i'm convinced that we're meant to be alive at the same time.
oh how i don't know how i got this far without your hand to hold.

i've always loved writing. for a while i stopped.
last year i lost someone very important to me. it felt like my heart was getting ripped out over and over again.
after he passed away, i felt like writing was all i had left.
although most of the words i typed hurt,
it was an outlet. it saved me.
i remembered why i started writing in the first place and it was because of him,
everything was for him.
i go by moon on here because
this is all for him.
these words show progress and recovery and getting back up from being down,
this is for him.
my moon.

i wanted to go to school and listen to my third grade teacher read to us again,
how the stories she read made the corners of my lips turned upwards.
she read about a porcelain bunny rabbit doll, trying to find his way back.
the simplicity and heartbreak molded me.
i wanted to pass out valentine cards to my classmates again.
i remember putting an extra heart sticker on my crush's card,
hands extended out to him with my eyes plastered on the floor,
he gave me child stomach butterflies.
but most of all,
i wanted to go home.
i wanted to lay on our old couches and watch cartoons with my sisters.
i wanted to eat baked potatoes with my family at dinner time.
i wanted my dad to help me with my math homework.
i wanted to go to sleep happy and peacefully,
back when I didn't know what hurt and pain was.
i want to go home.

every night i died i saw a new flower in my backyard.
my mind is wired to think that i am no one.
and it's true.
this world is too big,
too big to be living the way i am.
one day i'll be a star in the sky and i'll help make the flowers bloom and i'll sweep away the sadness from your eyes.
every night i saw the colors change from black,
to blue,
to whatever he paints the sky that morning.
the heavy feeling in my eyelids was another reason to stay in bed longer.
i lost myself in the sheets,
trying to run away from myself,
trying harder and harder to wake up as someone else or something else.

the windows on the bus were painted with droplets of rain that made them look like strawberries.
the deeper i sunk into my seat,
the more the concrete darkened.
soon enough the strawberry windows turned into seas that felt like were trying to talk to me.
the sad, teary-eyed sky asked for something that i couldn't even get myself.
the cold breeze as i walked home, reminded me of you.
i couldn't help but wonder where you are,
what you're thinking about,
who you're thinking about.

because the skies won't open to reveal the light we wait for anymore.
the roots that make me me seem false and i want to break free.
the gray filtered world through my eyes today seems okay.
i feel like i'll never feel love again.

i couldn't promise you what you promised me,
life,
to live.
i could barely look at my friends at lunch when they told me once again that this life is worth living for.

i'm seventeen years old.
out of those seventeen years, i spent more than half of them depressed.
the world fell apart around me and on top of me over and over again.
i asked for hugs from people who were supposed to love me and got hit instead.
but ---------

they all tell me the same things.
it's all starting to sound like the talk my mother gave me when i told her i wanted to **** myself.
"you'll be okay.
thing will be okay.
think of your friends.
think of us."
why do you want me to live?
so you won't feel guilty about losing me?
these feelings and thoughts are crushing me,
they're weighing me down and you want me to
stay?

i'll still love you even when the sky begins to fall.
looking at you,
i began to understand how everyone felt when jesus came back.
a sign of relief,
a sign of "hey, it's all going to be okay".

i couldn't stop thinking about you.
i'd give you my pencil over and over,
knowing i'd have to ask one from someone else.
i ripped out pages from my notebooks,
i hate doing that for anyone else.
at the store i'd call you,
asking if you like these cookies or this drink only to "surprise" you with it the next day.
i'd gather up the courage for a date.
spending hours looking at myself in the mirror,
"this outfit is wrong!
why is my hair looking like this?
will she look me in the eyes?
will my heart be able to take it?"
i'd run to the ends of the world for you.
say the word
and i'll stay by your side for as long as you want me to.

the people that loved me before convinced me and told me that i was less than.
i repeated everything they told me until self respect and self love was like it never happened,
like i never had it.
i was broken down into dull pieces of myself,
they used me like people use pebbles to throw in bodies of water.
i didn't know what love was anymore.
this happened again recently,
once it all ended i told my friend,
"the way they talked to me just seemed normal,
i was used to it."
i didn't know that the knifes in my heart were supposed to hurt until i met Her,
she held my heart with care.
it felt warm with her.
how they treated me was Not love,
i know that now.

rereading what i used to call my reality and end seems so far away from where the clouds.
even though i will always end up at That place,
i'm here now.
endless meadows and sun that doesn't burn you if you're wearing black.

i saw you from across the room and tilted my head.
you were talking with a friend.
i wondered about what.
just a small glance towards me would make me panic so thank you for not noticing me.

the sky is melting and all i could see was your face.
your hands cusped my cheeks,
your eyes are mesmerizing..
the world around us didn't matter anymore for right now,
i believe i was meant to live solely for these moments i'm having with you.
these are the best days of my life.
how can someone have that much an impact on someone that they literally feel like the world was created for them?
this,
us,
was meant to happen.
out of all the ******* i've been through and every night i spent trying to fix myself,
was for these moments with you.
the warm feeling in my chest makes me want this to never end.

it was such a beautiful thing really.
i saw light when my angel and spirit told me the truth.
it was horrible and lovely at the same time and i still don't understand how okay i was throughout the whole thing.
i felt this overwhelmingly amount of clarity and acceptance.
i felt seen and heard.
the light that i saw was a light i was told i wasn't ready for until i was,
and there, i was.
i was okay, it was all okay,
i'm okay.
there was no more hurt in that moment, i can't describe it.
i felt grounded yet in the air and i felt held by every moment of happiness and stillness i've ever felt.
it was so beautiful and i felt my heart heal and the scars that were everywhere were fading,
actually fading.

hold me.
i'll hold you too.
we can sit down and just talk,
about everything.
all the things that's bothering us and all the things we want to do or couldn't.
lets paint the future and make sure we're Both there to see it.

i watched you die over and over again.
i saw you disappear in your bed sheets instead of going to school.
i felt the broken pieces of your heart poke my chest when i hugged you in attempt to repair it.
the more puffy your eyes were,
the worse day it was.
i wrote you poems and letters filled with love and heartache.
i told you we were going to travel and i would get tattoos all dedicated to you.
in these moments,
and always,
i would break my back for you.
bu there's not enough hugs,
not enough letters or poems one could write to help your flowers flourish again.
it's been the longest winter,
and at the same time,
we never wanted it to end.
you wanted to hold on
and i had no choice but for it to consume me too.
there weren't enough hugs or letters,
there weren't enough friend visits and smiles to make things how they were before.
for i too quickly tape down pieces of my soul to keep me grounded,
to keep me from floating away
because

you

need

me.

you need me to be here,
to be strong for the both of us.
there were times where i couldn't be there.
those were the times where  i would stare at the ceiling,
sit on my flood,
cry for hours.
write notes for my loved ones.
"i'm sorry."
but i can see spring.
i can see the warmth.
i can smell the smell of morning dew.
i can hear the rain that heals us all,
most importantly i can see our flowers growing in our veins again.

it seemed impossible that flowers bloomed during the winter but with you around,
it was a meadow.
it felt like spring then summer then spring again.

no matter how hard i prayed, i believe that you turned your cheek.
i feel betrayed and hurt that not even You would listen.
but you didn't.
instead i feel like i was talking to nothing but the ceiling,
to the empty.
you couldn't have just at least given me a sign that you were up there?
people speak so greatly of you yet i feel the most alone opening my heart to you.
please listen to me.
you've seen me begging on my knees,
listen to me, please.

i thought of how it's going to be my final year in high school,
senior year,
year 12,
fourth year in high school,
the final year.

and i begin to remember how every time you came home after school and cried on the porch outside.
i heard your cries from the living room.
i remember you telling me everything that happened,
good and bad,
mostly bad.

it made me afraid of high school.
it made me afraid of my senior year.
i don't really remember your smile during that year when it came to school.
i don't want to fill your shoes.
i'm already an anxious person already,
i don't want to be afraid of the year that scares me the most.

i thought that we invented the word forever,
the word infinite,
i was wrong.
the hand i used to reach out to is missing.
i wish you had enough respect for me to tell why you aren't here anymore.
the summer wind is reminding me of you and i can't help but feel my chest tighten.
it's like a train took you far away and you forgot to tell me.
i wish you'd tell me why you respond to me anymore,
why you can't bat an eye to me even when we're right next to each other.
did we outgrow each other?
did you realize that i could never be the person you wanted me to be?
did you get tired of me?

i wanted to say what i wanted to say to you.
i'm sorry.
you're mean to me and my own sibling shouldn't bring me death on a silver platter.
i'm sorry.
do you understand the effect your words have on me?
i'm sorry.
you made my mind up when i asked myself if i wanted to breathe anymore.

i'm sorry.

earlier, my friend diana called me crying. she told me about how she had surgery when she was younger and how it was life threatening. diana told me about how she could've died. and i quote, "i missed my chance.".

hearing this brought me to tears. i don't know what i'd do if she wasn't here. of course i didn't know her when she had the surgery for we've only been friends for a little over two years but hearing that, "i missed my chance.", that ****** me up. i comforted her and we moved on from it. throughout the phone call, we changed topics and laughed and smiled with each other.

after the phone call, i was in thought. i don't know what i'd do without her. she's my platonic soulmate, she got me through what happened with j. she's here and i don't know what i'd do without her. then i realized,

i do have to keep living. for my friends and my family. i have to be here for them.

i also hope, somehow, i can change diana's mind and make her believe that this life is worth living. the only thing i want is for her to be happy and feel like life can be beautiful. i don't know how to do that though.

i knew this already but after our conversation i realized how much she means to me. i love her so much. she's so important to me. i value my friends a lot. i would take a bullet for them in a heartbeat, without hesitation.

i just want them to feel happy. i don't know, i had so much in mind to write about, i was thinking of what i'd write as i was doing the dishes but now that i'm here, i'm just blank.

everyone keeps telling me if i talk about it then i'll feel better,
but it's not working,
nothing feels like it's working.
my eyes feel glazed over and looking at my friends makes me want to cry.
i'm coming to see you now,
please open the door.

it won't be a long while until i see you
but i hope you can see me now,
i'm loving and growing.
i didn't know i could without you here,
i thought that since you were gone
that was it, but it's not.
i still feel you around and i still talk to you like before.
do you see me?
did you see me stay true to myself?
did you see do that?
do you see me live?
i'll be with you in years and years and years, don't worry!
it may seem long but we'll see each other again.
i can't wait to see you again.

i hope that after i tell you i'm your son,
you'll still love me.
that's my biggest fear.
losing you.
losing the people who raised me and were there for me when things kept falling apart.
the generation gap is a bit big but i hope that you can find it in your heart to,
at least,
accept me.
hug me and tell me i'm your son.
don't abandon me.
i know i'm older now but a boy still needs his parents.
i need you.
please keep loving me.

i didn't want her to hold me
because i knew what it meant.
she saw me crying and she wanted to hold me,
i couldn't wrap my arms around her.
by her embrace,
i knew it meant that she saw me falling apart and she was trying to hold me together,
to make feel better.
but i felt nothing but this ocean of sadness.
i didn't want her to hold me,
i wanted to tell her to let go but i couldn't even open my mouth.
i am far beyond repair.
i couldn't feel her touch.
oh how badly i wanted to breakdown in her arms,
fall down from my shaky knees,
and
cry.
oh how badly i just wanted to cry.
but i didn't.
i walked until she let go of me.
as we were about to part ways,
i looked up at her
with tear filled eyes and said goodbye.

i kept telling myself,
"moon, don't eat your feelings.
you're sad,
let yourself be sad."
but there's something in handfuls of cereal,
ignoring the healthy servings of cookies,
bowl after bowl of ice cream that numbs my heart to the point where i feel like it's not beating anymore.
there's something about chewing and feeling food go down my throat that feels comforting.
i know it won't fix anything
and i know that i'll hate myself after my 5th cookie,
i know all this.
but i can't help it.

but then everything was silent,
everything was silent.
and i saw you sitting across from me,
breathing and with a beating heart
and i could hear it, i could hear you.
and everything exploded again.
i felt my heart expand and burst into millions,
over an over again.
your hand touched mind, bringing me back.
our hearts synced and i could never ask for more,
i will never ask for anything else other than moments like these.
moments like these with you remind of it is to be aline.
to truly be alive.

i danced all night to songs that made my heart feel young again.
seeing the sun go up as i cried tears of pure happiness.
i like being alone like this sometimes,
i can see myself alive when i'm alone like this.
hearing their voices sing,
hearing the instruments made my knees feel like jelly.
i danced all night,
heart filled with euphoria.

growing hurts sometimes.
i want you by my side but you can't be here.
you aren't good for me and that hurts too.

i spend my saturday with the curtains drawn,
covers over my head.
i pushed myself as deep into my mattress as i could,
in hopes that maybe i'd push myself deep enough to fall into another dimension.
one where i didn't cry as i stepped inside my house after the end of a day.
i wanted to sleep and wake up as someone else,
that's all i wanted.
for the first time in months, i've thought about taking my life.
planning to go for a walk and never come back.
i wanted to get lost and somehow disappear
and inside my head,
i was half way there.

we talked and we talked.
my phone laid on my stomach,
waiting for it to buzz,
hoping that it'd be you who lit up my screen.
i felt like it was valentines day in elementary school again.
the butterflies in my stomach fluttered and hit the walls of my stomach every time i thought of you.
you kept calling me cute and i told you that my heart was yours.

my eyes ached watching the sun rise.
my coffee had gone cold in between thoughts that seemed to have a four hour lecture each.
i witnessed the sky paint once again,
it was like seeing those people in california streets make art.
making faces out of clay,
using watercolor to write your name and making a dolphin swim through the letters,
guitars hooked to amps playing the most perfect soundtrack of That night you'll never forget no matter how insignificant it was.
that's what the sky was doing.
the sun greeted me with a variety of colors,
all turning into each other and leaving then staying one.
slowly closing my eyes,
leaning on my arms,
only to repeat over and over again.

how are you still so perfect?
after all those sleepless nights and tears you've gifted me,
how are you still everything to me?
how are you still the light and the love of my life?
i remind myself of the time and yet,
it never changes the fact that i love you.
i always love you.

i know with you, i don't have to act like anything.
i don't have to act like anything is wrong,
like anything is okay.
we just Be around each other.
i never knew what just simply existing was until i met you.
you remind me of breezes that surround me when i lay on a park bench,
so gentle and comforting.
the butterflies in my stomach landed on your shoulders and you helped me understand what Everything was.

i could see the yellow tint of the monday morning peep through ruffles of clouds.
turning the other way,
in a distance the sky turned into a 8 foot deep pool.

i was never around good, healthy relationships growing up. my parents were a bust, my older sister never taught me better. i grew to be someone who looked for someone who could give me what They all had.

subconsciously, i looked for someone who would hurt my heart so much that i believed that they did in the name of love. after years, i learned that, no, that wasn't love. that's not love. relationships aren't supposed to hurt you to the point where you have to learn to trust again. that's not love.

then i met you.

my heart weary, taking small steps towards you.
hands behind my back, i wondered what this would be.
i couldn't look you in the eyes,
i was afraid i could see the pain you would inflict on me behind your pupils.

but it wasn't like that,
not at all.
i went to sleep every night knowing i mattered to you,
i woke up every morning feeling butterflies.
i finally feel like a teenager.
thinking of you makes my cheeks hurt and i imagine us dancing in the kitchen,
i imagine us together, simply together.

i'm afraid to tell you i love you but i know it's real,
and i know you feel it too.
i know that this feeling is mutual and that's all i need right now.

looking at you,
i felt so distant.
i will never feel as close to anyone as close as i felt to her,
and i'm okay with that because what we had was something that i've never seen,
not even in the movies.
it's starting to feel like you were never here.
the one that kept everything together.
i'm addicted to the sadness.
it seems like all i can write about is you,
i'm starting to forget the color of your eyes,
how warm your hands were,
the sound of your voice.
going back to you now would make me seem like a fool and my pride seems to not back down so until then,
until i give in,
i miss you.
i'm sorry i'm not as interesting or energetic as i was two years ago or on my good days that i have sometimes.
things just don't feel right but without you both
i have no one.
i will be no one.
no matter how many times you'll tell me i matter or that you love me,
i can't see it,
i can't feel it.

i began to eat again.
i haven't told anyone.
no one really noticed anyways.
my hands didn't shake or turn the small packet of goldfish around to see the calories.
i felt okay eating them.
i ate all of it.

getting home,
i feel hungry.
and now,
i eat.
without guilt, without shame.
no small voice in my head tells me how big i am or how disappointed i should be in myself.

i take a deep breath if the voice comes back,
close my eyes and chew.
chew until i feel okay to swallow.

today,
i'm eating.
and tomorrow,
i will again.

i write about our love sometimes.
how i'll never get over the way your eyes are filled with stars when you smile.
or the way your cheeks turn the most beautiful red when we held hands.
i could write about your obsession with the rings on your fingers and how,
no, they didn't have a story,
they were purely for admiration.
i write about our love.
impacting my heart in such strengths that i can only describe as electric and stars exploding and being made again.
but we aren't good for each other,
that was the hardest conversation i've ever had,
telling you that we couldn't in each other's lives.
the darkest days hung over me like wet clothes.
everything kept piling on.
your words knocked me down when i tried to pick us Both back up,
wanting me to stay underwater with you,
"we have each other.".
i can't forget the look in your eyes when i told you good bye.
i write about our love sometimes,
most of the time i don't feel anything anymore.

you wrote my name on the fogged up window of your car.
after this, everything was supposed to be okay.
sitting next to you, everything was supposed to be okay.
i was supposed to be okay and feel okay,
i wanted to fall into your arms like i did before.
but i couldn't,
i didn't want to anymore.

i couldn't look past the deceit, the lies, the cheating.
i looked at you and didn't see the you i fell in love with.
i held your hand and didn't feel the warmth that you once had.
it just wasn't the same,
you weren't the same,
i wasn't the same.

oh the things i would do to feel alive.
staying up for as long as many cups of coffee would let me.
talking to people on other sides of the world,
or on different sides of the street.
hugging you under the moonlight,
talking about god knows what and feeling like in That moment,
we were all that's ever happened,
that's ever existed.
sleeping pills,
so many bottles made me feel euphoric and numb.
music played so loud in my ears that
they rung after pulling out their lifeline.
oh the things i would do to survive.
glasses of lemon water for dinner.
no, dad i'm not hungry but maybe later.
i wouldn't sleep until i could feel the lemon water coming back up every time i rose from a sit up.
oh the things i would do to,
to die.
because that's what all of this was going to end to right?
one way or another?

i see the trees,
their colors are changing with the season.
beams of sunlight catch my eye as the sun comes from around the corner.
as the wind blows,
i can almost swear there's diamonds in every leaf,
how each individually shines and glistens.
some trees stay still and it makes me want to too.
some trees are growing lemons,
the shade of an organic yellow reminds me of my first grade teacher's blouse,
how she'd love this season too.
i kept trying to hear what they were telling me,
i closed my eyes and heard the wind blow through the trees,
i couldn't make out any words anymore.

hello, you.
it feels like sitting with someone new.
i can barely remember the first half of last year and can barely remember the reasons why i cried so much last year,
sometimes.
i know this year will be different
because you feel different.
but nonetheless,
i ask of you to treat me with kindness.
i'm starting everyday with deep breaths,
holding my hands to the ground,
reminding myself that you are in fact not out to get me.
you, please treat me kindness.

i remember leaving my aunts house,
another saturday barbecue they always had.
the cold winter air hitting my face and as my family and i walked to our car i already missed tonight.
i remember seeing fireflies and hearing frogs croak in the forest near their house.
smiling to myself,
i wanted to be like this forever.
but it's not anymore.
i haven't seen my aunt in months
nor my cousins
nor
my mom.
i didn't know time went by that fast until my birthday caught up with me again.
i haven't seen a firefly since the separation and it makes me feel like if those saturdays were ever real.