i beat this addiction already
found myself on the sand
house of mirrors and whispers
you sent me into relapse
i sat there on my hands and knees ******, drip, drop, drip drop
pleading
what is this hell
was it for a reason
begging for an explanation
PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE!
you ripped the rug from under my feet
sent me down to rot into wonderland
it looks beautiful from the outside
the forty pounds lost are mostly hidden
i paint my hollow face to make it seem more lively
most days i wish i could add a smile to my mouth so it didn’t hurt from all the fake ones i plastered on
i can wear many masks now that im learning how to play
a game i never even tried to be a part of
wonderland isn’t like it used to be
losing weight was a fun addiction
ana helped me when no one else knew what to do
and then she spiraled when i wouldn’t die for her
and now she slips me little cups of tea
and i just drink
i no longer care what else she decides to do to me
it can’t get worse than what’s already happened is what they’ve told me
but down here, i’ve found that to be very untrue
it can always get worse
but it can also feel good sometimes

my eyes trace over the scissors you hold in your hand
and shear away all the places i resided within you
you don’t even notice when you snip away the life line
the last thread holding it all together
i unravel more and more
just scraps and strings
all lying in a lifeless pile

i walk barefoot through the nearby woods
ignoring the small cuts on my feet from the rough terrain
i’ve come to learn to walk on glass very well and comfortable with the pain of it
nearby lies a meadow with grass so high it could swallow you whole
there lies in the middle a large oak tree
i lay next to the tree, leaning my head against its large trunk
you would imagine the bark would be too rough, uncomfortable to rest upon
but this one is different, kinder
it senses our familiar souls and i feel its warm embrace
my eyes start to drift shut against the pillowy base feeling the soft embrace of the thin strands of weeds cut through my skin
my fingers tremble and my body vibrates as i feel the tree’s roots reaching out for me to hold me in their embrace
i’ve been waiting for this moment, my soul screaming to be let out of this flesh
with the last of my strength i reach out towards the roots racing forward to enrapture me
our bodies, hearts, and souls as one for eternity

i sit in the lush grass and stare up at this beautiful monstrosity
i think about how old it might be and how it feels in its old age
lightly leaning my palm against the tough bark  scratching my hand
my eyes search the tree, studying how the gnarled arms are seemly bent wrong
how it looks like it’s had to rebuild itself, the way the trunk swivels, almost like it’s had to rebuild itself and came out wrong
i lean my forehead near the giant hole in the middle staring into the dark abyss
and i sorrowfully apologize
because i too know what it feels like
all the hurt and betrayal turning into angry brokenness and a hole where the heart belongs
silent tears track down my face and i softly whisper
you are not alone

don’t bother coming to my funeral
when you were the one to **** me

summer rotted under my tongue
dissolved into autumn
I am ready READY!!
Ready for the decay
the rot
Leaves bleed and fall to their ends
barren trees, cold
still silence
The decomposition of Anna
Thank you , fall
Falling into winter
I will not freeze alone
when you freeze to death you feel warm at the very end

i got a paper cut
and i picked at it
until its corpse
become a permanent headstone
on my skin.

you hurt me,
and i picked at it
until it began to scar,
until it began to
tighten the skin.

i will never be able to escape the ache of you.
never be able to revive myself.
or be able to relieve the pain of the skin pulling.

but i will always try to heal it,
even if it is no use.