I've been told I need some company.
But my depression kept me busy.
It even began controlling.
I am happier being distant any way.
I love the independence.
But company would be nice.

I know I was never enough. But you've given me love. For never baby, But we've been distant lately. You began to tell me you've been regretting being with me. We fight then get clingy. With out each other there isn't any safety. We started to ****, then you began screaming you hate me. You have new secrets but then you break me. There wasn't any lie that kept us sane. But now we bring each other pain. I've used your words for granted, I manipulated you by mistake I swear it was a accident. Now I'm angry, I started arguments for reassurance. you've told me what's mine is yours and yours is mine. Now you demand privacy all the time. Fear made me so different. Last night I don't remember the arguments.  Simply not meant to be! But we sooth each other when we're lonely. I've said **** I never meant. But we're too broke to leave because we split rent. I see your post as if I was that shadow dying by your light. Did I darken your world? Was mine already dark? But I'm not enough, we fell apart. A crossed heart but hope already died. Tears dripping from your eyes. You yell at me with these goodbyes. I bring you to our room in hopes to show you where safety was, I'm so frightened I forgot how to use my words. But you fight me physically and things got worse. Tell me I'm not worthy again! you wished for the best but then I split my wrist open. You yell at me again.  Sorry love for hurting you but I promised myself to defend.  Now when it's a decent day we play pretend. You smile, I cry. I laugh, you break down. I'm too toxic so I'll burry my feelings for you deeper in the ground. It's hurting like hell to let you leave me, it kills me to see someone making you happier so soon so fast. I apologies for everything I hope you've gained your trust back.

We fight its a rush, my commitment for you just isn't enough. I began to wonder if this was love. You totally sooth me when I begin to doubt. We fight and make up, I cry when you shout. We switch roles and you cry when I shout too. I think I'm a fool. But it's impossible to leave you. Nobody can understand what we've been through. All I have is yours, I can't even lock and secure these doors. You've been the nightmare of my dreams. A love I can't escape. False hope to the world, pure hope in mine. You use memories to manipulate me all the time. You bring comfort to my panic, I gave you everything you've demanded. My privacy is a myth, I still smile because one day I'm ending this. Your mistakes hurt me real bad. The best and the worse one can ever have. I don't wish this to come back. A love so sinister, a guilty pleasure.  You'll always win even with your lies. But you strung me along for that hope. You promised me a heart that already broke. You gave me a world....apocalypses. I can't believe your love to me is so toxic.  When you mistreat me you always victimize. Doesn't matter with tears pouring down my eyes. I'm not myself, but it's fine because I've got you to fix my mental health.

we began to snap
we began to talk
it's cute to see her shy
I would love to see her smile
A distant half and half can potentially make a whole
I wonder if she feels the same way?

A gathering to enjoy each others presence,
A gift to see everyone smiling.
I'll build a fire for us to sit by.
My loved ones will all raise a glass with me
Wine for the lady's and us men will enjoy the scotch, brandy, and or whiskey
A drink to enjoy the occasion of being together as a family

-Hopefully your cup never empties therefore I'll be your wine.-
Cheers to us
A sip of our moments, laughs, and love
Wine, Scotch, Brandy, and or Whiskey

Yesterday was really cloudy
Todays really sunny
But I'm just as bipolar
I've been cold all season and winters just about over
Been ready for a change
But this month is full of storms and rainbows from the rain
Some sunshine for us to go out and play
Next weekend it'll be warm and foggy
Hours later it'll be bright and muggy
That's to be expected from sunshine's & rain

I can't help to have a episode.
I enjoy the discomfort a bit too much.
Maybe I enjoy it all being rough.
I know I'm mentally weak,
Sometimes I can't sleep.
I sometimes don't eat.
I need help but I forgot how to speak.
I don't wish this struggle upon anyone else.
I still struggle with this mental health.
I swore upon god that I'm in hell.
My guardian Angel had fell.
Can't increase anxiety any further, this is a dark place I know far too well.
I want this pain to cure my episodes.
But I am also afraid of being hurt.
Am I a masochists'?
Am I just ******?
I've attempted to find help.
But destruction was the first responder.
Guilt hit me up after.
Depression gave me a place to stay.
Guess what anger brought me?
  PTSD

I've been paralyzed as soon as the light leaves me.
Paranoid by sound because every sound I hear maybe sinister.
I grip my blankets as if I were in a safe zone.
The darkness creeps on me when I'm alone.
I swear the silence in this area Screams at me to get out.
I don't want to be here.
I just want to sleep in peace,
but I fear I'll end up six feet below your feet.
Body aches from tensing up,
I don't think I'm alone anymore.
Eyes glancing all around to to be sure,
But I feel like I'm being watched and I don't feel so secure.
I'm trapped here Until Dawn.
Hello Darkness, how have you been?
I am unsure if you met my depression my good old friend.

Woke up with your touch.
Nothing was just good enough.
I'm a go and get buzzed,
Arguments been a bit tough.
I would tell the world, you were already my only girl.
But things come to a end.
I'm a grab a drink and play pretend
Pretend your sincere compliments were enough to keep up the attention.
Good morning and good nights
Have a good day and let's come home to more pointless fights.
The hellos and now good byes.
**** do you think would happen when my happiness became a priority.
Sorry my emotions had seniority.
I'm a get better now without your smile to picture.
I Frame up my flaws to move forward with out looking back.
This is the new chapter of a new act.
You called them **** ups, I've made room for improvements.
**** the love I've once brought, then we make up and still fought.
What did I do I already forgot.
How and I to reach the top.
You've been my anchored, but the homies supported me with a life jacket.
Sorry drownings for the weak and I know you can't hack it.

Take a moment to breathe
Breathing is free go at your own pace
Tell anxiety this is my space
Conquer the moment
Remember your hustle like you own it
The world isn't watching
Just the haters
They jealous of your success
They only know flaws
Allow yourself to reset
It's okay to fail and restart
Take that rep
Take a breath
Repeat the cycle again
🧡

She brings a mans hope
She's perfect in every way
But the man is shot down
she lost interest before a chance was even given

I'm full of anxiety,
doubts filling my thoughts now I'm full of
"PTSD"
I've got no personal space.
Always anxious for the worse, I've been doubting my worth.
I'm damaged inside and out.
Emotionally in danger, I smile at a stranger.
The way they hurt me....
makes me feel like everyone's after me
The way I was left, the way everyone laughed and mocked me.
I'm sick of the hurt, with every beautiful promises lied away some discomfort.
***** the difference? Why do I owe you? **** everyone and ******* too!
Ope, I'm sorry I'm impulsively bipolar, I'm full of disorders.
Detachment issues too.
I hate change but I don't want some things to go away. At the same time I miss the old days.
I flinch, I struggle, I cry, and I'm angry.
I'm emotionally damaged.

I love to be left on read.
I think I'd rather be left alone instead.
It's not like life is going anywhere in a hurry.
I'll drink till visions blurred, eat till I fall asleep, and laugh until I cry.
I am my own man, I'm my own consequences.
Until I approve of one other to take over my personal well being and authority..... I will remain happily independent.

I'll miss the conversations about life on the slow hours, I'll miss the smiles with coffee in hand.
A fresh ***.
DELTA 14, Will you please rest easy?
I'll mark you down
(DELTA 14 - 10-25)
I know we didn't have much in this small town.
But you sure always knew how to fix a smile.
Dispatch to Delta 14 Rest easy bub I'll be sure there is a *** of coffee ready every chance given to me.

I have learned
healing takes it's own time
you can't over power
you can't rush
you can't demand
you can only give yourself time.
Distractions not always the key, but your emotions will still be on lockdown.
you've got to allow yourself to want to feel better.

A beautiful sky, a beautiful view of the light.
Cup of coffee and breakfast full of delight.
There's just something special of the world saying hello, trees and plants still strong and beautiful.
A beautiful scene, a beautiful feeling.
It is a good morning

Why do I have to lose my eye sight?
I've got tears drowning my sunlight.
Maybe I should just ignore me, myself, and I.
P.T.S.D & S.A.D ******* with me and my personality.
Trauma on repeat every time someone criticized me.
You've argued and assumed I'm a narcissistic sociopath.
Used my weakness as your strength and made me believe I'm a hypochondriac.
Just let me lay in bed silently. I've got enough mental struggles hitting me violently.
The sky is just as cold and dark as the bottles laying next to me.
Depression winning scars on my body, I'm just so lonely.

Take a picture,
My memory of the dual moment won't last forever.
That smile didn't last any longer,
Now that memory gave me a sharp pain.

You say my name in vain, so my razor exposed my vein. Let's see if your opinions cut deep. Let's see if I find the motive to eat. If depression was a mission... that's a mission complete. All a battle between anxiety and me. We're about to see who's allowed to breathe. Build a fire to fight the cold. But I've already burnt that bridge a long time ago.

Reality stronger than my dose,
I wanted to take something just as close.
One good handful is all I need. Leave the bottle alone with me. Eyes bloodshot, all the drinks and pills I've got. My securities drowning, no life jacket so now I'm hollow and floating. The amount I've consumed for my world to move slow, is it possible to really overdose?
SSRI's  talked to me softly, I'm yelling at myself to walk slowly. Heart begging violently. Oh you're triggered? Pill that trigger and bust out a shot. Cheers ***** that's a pillshot.

A new day
A new age
Some great friends
Family with a birthday cake
Make a wish, blow out your candles
Take a slice
A new day, a new age
Birthday wishes, family with friends handing over gifts
Happy happy birthday
Merry birthmas
Happy existence

A love lingers the air around me
Is that reason why I hyperventilate?
I've felt like I am the only one lost, kind of tough to be found.
I drink to sleep, a sip to fight anxiety.
I'm fine when I'm not, time and priorities is lost.
I simply tell everyone I "forgot"
I honestly forget to breathe, that depression consumed me.
In all honesty nothing is really working.
Just me alone in my thoughts and it gets tougher every time I think of the smile.
The screams get louder, I get quieter.
I'm just laying down in silence. Tears form a storm dripping onto my pillow with violence.
I began to Hyperventilate.

As I attempt to move forward,
I catch myself going the wrong direction.
The temptations in my head lead me to self conversations,
but I hold back do to self motivations.

**** a temptation when I have myself.
I will throw success at my mental health.
Some have lost their lives,
Maybe they'll find themselves on the other side.

I avoid myself because I scare myself when I careless,
I've always wanted to avoid my regrets.
It got tougher when everyone I loved left.

Always needed that company
Never wanted anyone to speak
Just sit in the room silent with me
The comfort of a silent conversation dulled a loud discomfort
Just sit close with some comfort

This work place put me through the ringer
A busy bee avoiding the stinger
Not a better place for a bee
I've been put to work for my honey
Beautiful flowers to bloom
Plenty of pollination in this room
Orders from the Queen
21 day cycle and I'll go on repeat
That's the way it's supposed to bee
Working for my Queen
Lavender to coat my scent
A sunflower to watch open
I'm plenty of busy
I'll fly around 20 miles a hour to collect goods from a rosemary
The beauty of a drone, a true natural nature grown
Worker bees protecting a Queens home

Her smile is like Autumn, I fall for it everytime. Like the leaves, I've raked up some colors pure as gold. Let's bag our love for one another, live together and watch each other get old. I'd take her out for some coffee, she'll talk about her day :)
Her eyes kept me awake
Better for me to wish upon a star with her gaze
I can fall for her all day
Her love would be my field trip, but a adventure on repeat

I've shared your love
I've shared it everytime I felt hollow
With the way my lips were touched it'd be impossible to swallow
But then a bottle of emotions drowned with my thoughts
The way it's all empty, the way the sudden goodbyes made me feel so numb
I lie there pretending to be okay as these sleeping pills make me feel so awake
Maybe another pill might take the edge off.
I look at her eyes as if they saw my prescription
Diagnosed love failure, happens more than once a day
Then I've realized I've overdosed off of her smiles and touch
I'd a gave my life to those bottles
A sip of desire, one shot of pleasure.
But a dose of our toxic habits and goodbyes.
Sorry love, you don't get to worry about my addictions anymore.
I ruined it....remember?

I'll be your superman, your shattered heart will be my kryptonite.
I'll hug you so tight. But as long as you fall I'll take you out so we're in flight. Depression and pain is something we'll always fight.
Remember when we used to talk through dawn? The times we called our home phone, or the endless skating sessions and the top of Pinehurst was our throne?
Well it still is, we're just cloquet kids. For you I'd never put away my cape! But in the end it'd be you who saved the day. You've got the sweetest heart, I swear it was a cavity. But with you I'll always be happy. Darling you were my shooting star and you're now a granted wish.

It makes two mistakes to cause a conflict of interest, but from the sounds of it someone is dealing with it with ignorance. One can wash the hands full of sins, but God forbid the others sin begins. Talk about a toxic conflict. No one talks about love, just depression. I try this, I try that. I'll still take words I've never said back. Once upon a unfair broken heart, but I still creep my way into the dark. **** what's my gut telling me? Is this another broken story? Happily never after, excuses one after another. I've heard it all but still feel the worse. Life's putting my roses into the dirt. But it's painfully beautiful with the thorns that hurt. I guess that's why they're red, ****** pedals full of "romance"
I think I'll consider my second thoughts instead.

Silence.
A smile.
A good set of ears.
A good sense of redirection.

Yawning is contagious because we're all tired, we get sick from the contagious one because are normal Temps got fired.
But we smile when the others smile do to a desire.
The attention for my lips to touch. With a smile like hers I don't think I can get enough.
She's the one with a contagious smile, she's the one with the cutest lips.
Simply the ones I'd love to kiss.
Eyes trapped me but it doesn't get any better than this.

I kissed a broken smile.
A beautiful smile, night got too wild.
The best New years kiss!
Please get home safely, I'll always cherish a night like this.
Your beauty was A perfect distraction,
I'm sincerely sorry about the broken heart that brought you destruction.
But it all wasn't for nothing, your kiss sparked something.
I guess that's why they call it in shock 😲
I heard my kiss never haunted you, in fact it enlightened you.
I've never been so flattered!
I've been randomly replaying that night as your lips hugged mine softly. I'm happy I you got home <safely!3
Once upon a two broken smiles brought each other the light to the two destructive worlds.

I'd be lying if I said I was fine. But **** I swear I'm trying. I feel like I can't express what's going on inside. I'd rather smile with a lie. Behind these hazel eyes are flooded with screams and cries.
I'd do whatever it takes, but without the right motivation I can feel the veins open as my heart aches. I've made far too many mistakes.
I like to believe I'm a astute person, but I've always made it all worse with my temper. Over protective or a over exaggeration? It depends on who observing my attempts and it follows their opinion. I never meant to fight so angry, but I lose control. I'm a ticking time bomb and I got no where to explode. No one to help suppress my depression silently. I'm "drinking" so heavily and my words grown violently. Tell me I'm lost so I can be found safely. I'll allow myself bottled up opinions be so empty. I'm lying to you when I say I'm fine. I put my struggles aside while I swallow a glass of pride. How are we playing hide and seek when I'm out in the open and I've got now one willing to seek me?

I'm apparently never alone, but how come I face everything on my own. Go out by myself with some high hopes on my phone. I think I'm meant to be temporary, I can't even find my main accessory. Why does this world gotta be difficult?
Life's been rough, my angered urges are too tough. No one actually knows how I'm feeling, they see me drinking but they don't see me dealing. I'll smile and ask you're doing, I'll play it off I know that's kind of confusing. Now I'm struggling and feel like it's my own security I'm abusing. Difficult time to express in words, I'll learn because I'm still too "young"
But lately us young ones kind of have it the worse.

"Love you."
Still lingers in air.
Why do I still hyperventilate?

Your "I love yous" still lingers in the air, I began to hyperventilate because you're no longer there. I can't breathe everytime I think of your smile. We're spending holidays without your famous breakfast and laughs. I'm trying to keep the blades off of our families backs. But this weight on my chest anchored me down, I'm drowning dad. I drown while your love fills the air, I'm a drown because you're no longer waking me up in my gaming chair. I ******* miss that smile, I ******* miss your jokes, I miss your hugs. Out of everything the most I miss your love.
As your presence lingers the air, I drown in bottles and managed to forget how to swim.

Tell me that I matter to any if you, then make plans with me so I can be the only one to see them through. I've learned to fall in love with my depression because even through my happiest moments depression was the only one patient with me. Got to see the best and worst of me. Weather I was distracted with others or me being lonely. I can sit here all day and take life advice and listen to personal stories and watch others try to redirect me. But it is not going to matter because none of them commit to staying by my side. Maybe I am too weak, maybe I do need to put down a drink, or maybe I need to pick up another bottle of pills and let the SSRIs do the work for me. But I'm still fighting for myself. I'm still listening to everyone trying to conquer their depression over mine. I swear I'm not selfish! I've soon realized there is no cure, just some stitches and false treatment. Depression and I made that agreement. Smiling for real is my main achievement. But I've got a true broken smile that'll enlighten you. When will I find that one to enlighten me?
Ask yourself that before you decide you want to commit to staying with me.

You think I care about anyone trying to comfort me?
I'm still alone and when I was struggling no one bother to check up on me.
I struggle everyday just to go home and catch myself crying.
I'm fine, I'll be alright, one step at a time. But wait I'm still lying.
I'm not going to be fine, I'll never be fine.
Sure I'll be safe, but I really am not all that safe. I still prefer to lose by natural causes so when my tombstone is made it'll show I went out swinging. But honestly, why am I still living?
Impossible for me to find mental peace.
I fight off everyone's insecurities for the moment. But alone I face myself ******* **** near suicidal. I find the strength to go out of my way to make someone's life easier. Thats just the way it works. Too bad no one will commit to me until they bury me in dirt. But for what it's worth.....
I'd be able to sleep.

I lost my best friend, not much for saying good byes. But the more I deal with the easier it gets. But this was the one I'll never forget. Hurts the most that he left. Eyes flooding, drinks to start buzzin. Not a **** person can tell me otherwise. I gaze upon the stars in the dark sky's.
With the innocence looks he used to give me. Now seeing his eyes roll back with his body empty.
One drink to cry, the second to talk to him the sky. Now I switched to slamming bottles.
Father please forgive me because I don't want to be sober anymore. Wished I can tell the world how much of a hero you are. Especially to me, you're my main star. You're my home and now I'm homeless. I barely make it, I'm always going to fake it.
Father please reunite with me again, tell grandma my heart is broken.
Miss you both singing to me. I'm drowning in agony. Please reunite with me.

I don't anyone can understand me when I choose to drink and drive.
I know its completely wrong but I really don't feel alright.
The drunker I get, the sober I feel.
Because of that pain never getting dual, it's just sharper and that's something I don't want in this deal.
No one to call my phone, dad I wish I was coming home.
Holidays just as empty as my stomach.
But I'm a fat **** so I guess not eating at the moment is just fine.
I lie to everyone about me staying up most of the nights crying.
I can't just stop thinking about my grandmother father. That grand sons and grand daughters. Hope that makes for you to understand. Now I'm sitting here writing letters to myself. Dad without you feels like I'm being punished in hell.

Somedays I just don't want to, but I have too.
I wake up with tears flooding my face. Doesn't help that I live by myself in this place. Alcohol in my fridge to bring in that comfort.
Winter falls and it's pure ice sometimes I wish I was in a desert.
Atleast I'd be dry and not frozen in this depression. Sis thinks I need a therapy session.
What happened to me?

It's not fair, dad you ain't there. Grandma you pasted too, so I feel like I can never get over losing you. Dad you died with me in the room. All I feel is me feeling so doomed. I'm losing. Life's confusing. Daddy will you help me?
I Burried you into your grave but you're presence still feels like you're here. I'm a slam a bottle with a beer. Now I drown in agony.

I love and miss you a lot,
Buried you and my father together in a spot
I couldn't help to cry I even fought
Hurts to let you go too
You were leaving too I had no clue
I'm home safe now, with you were doing the same.
But I followed your last request and brought dad home

I never thought this would happen.....
I got a call, rushed to the hospital wishing it was you I can call
I was hoping to get you out of there.
I'm struggling twice as hard because you're not here so I'm not about to prepare.  I can't seem to feel okay again, my heart had stopped beating and singing. It aches in silence as my tears drown my face. I'm lost daydreaming about your face. A drink to put my anxiety back in place. Alone I cry, alone I deal, alone I feel. My red flannel kept me cold but hugging you for one last time drowned me with lifeless comfort. Because it was your last warmth I'd touch. Dad I miss you so ******* much!