sometimes
i don't even want to die
but my mind
will tell me otherwise
my mind will say
"ask to use the bathroom
then jump from the stairs"
or
"make yourself a sandwich
and use the knife to cut yourself open"
or
"use hangers for your clothing
and the belt for yourself"
and it's not like i never tried
to fix this mind of mine
but my oh my
how the days have passed me by
and i am tired
so the stairs look nice
and so does the knife
and i haven't quite felt
the warm embrace of a belt
around my neck
is it my time yet?

perhaps being told
“you are not alone,” is the
scariest of all

you have brought me light
and now, i know not of how
to see without you

what have You accomplished this year
aside from the usual hiding behind Your fear
has anything of note been done?
or have You continued to be one on the run

this year I stayed alive
it's not worth much in many eyes
but last year I resolved I'd be dead
yet I saw another cycle instead

i'm not sure i'm happy with this decision

i did not live comfortably
i did not live happily
i barely lived well
i barely lived at all
i have spent these years as a shell of myself in a shell-shaped home shell-shocked "tick" "tock" that's the clock i'm
out of time
and i should be worried
i should be frantic
but i've waited for this for so long and now i can finally say that something i want is mine
i'm not sorry
let me go without regrets
let me go without apologies
let me go
let me live

and i close in on myself
in the middle of the night,
make myself small as possible
and cry, and keep crying,

and keep crying.

why can't i stop?
i had all day, i think,
all day, to cry, and keep crying
and keep crying.

but i do so now.
in the middle of the night
when i close in on myself
and open my heart up
to anybody willing to listen.

and i'll keep crying!
until the moon sets
and the sun rises,
and i go through the day
open to myself,
closed off to everyone else