into that haunted house
i'm mentally taking a tour
opening each peculiar memories
got me thinking 'what an adventure'

stepping the floor in my heels
ignoring the witches' endless screams
i want to be there again
where my little one's been hiding
to hug her
and whisper

"you're going to be okay"

when i left i painted the wall
"i'll never find someone like you"
it's true
but then my Lord showed me
someone better
someone i needed

you were a burning star
holding on to you has
made my hands blistered
and he is a shining full moon
a cool light that made
the dark night less scary

if i’m to get burned
just because I believe in You
then there’s no regret on it

i wonder how does she feel
to be loved for embracing her pinkness
yet admired when expressing her anger

to believe that she herself can do it
to be grateful for everything

to feel safe enough to smile
and laugh away on people’s malice

to grow up with a roof above her head
to always have someone to go home to

adulting is
making mistakes
and being responsible of it’s consequences
even if it wipes my good image
like rain that soaked my hair and clothes
at least I’m standing still

our wedding day, i said
when problems suddenly weight multiple folds
he laughed, agreed
thanks for bearing with me through it

I love you, even when
you didn’t get that full marks
I love you, even when
you didn’t publish that writing
I love you, even when
you didn’t finish task for reasons
I love you, even when
you lose it all and forgotten

that’s all you want to hear

there is a small planet in my belly
mysterious and silent
I wiped my tears and ignored it
then walk the crowd like a normal school girl

there are people who demand me something
that only God can give
their hidden shaming speeches
turned my held back tears into acid

there are little girls who survived war
below their very own roof
no child is created to carry such wound
so it was molded into small planets

all the lords shut silent in worry
as the sky fall, how did i started it

i hike the stairs just to feel my heart race
never felt more alone, now i know it

you don’t wanna care, bye
said you’re gonna come, lie
it’s my own fight, right
caught in the storm, died

was it guilt that turned your mighty face
wanna clean your hands, hate me instead
thanks
thanks for everything

all these dark emotions unlocked
at least i let this anger out
they said i was fool for accepting
it’s fine i learned and healing

today I received the good news
but the sky was certainly not sunny
how did the morning brings shades
of the nights I spent crying
trembling hands and muted whimpers
the things I went through to get here

and I still can’t sleep
and I start listening to musics
random watercolor paintings
the pain is taking me dancing

tactical plans, completed it all
polite smiles, swept them off
my body yearns hibernating sleep
and a safe space for a long weep

quiet night, silent cold
laid in bed, eyes won’t closed
said nobody died but I’m grieving
can’t explain but something’s missing

fate can be cruel
as if deliberately cruel
to trample your heart
humble you down

I collect my broken pieces
with his wise words of patience
and he said he’s happy enough, he’s grateful
and I realized I’ve strayed from the Most Merciful

were you the prince of my dream
January and all the beautiful things
disappeared in one night
you were catching flight

your warmth, your smell
dumbfounded, were they lies
if it’s real why am I alone
my heart dropped like never before

sometimes it’s piercing me how
people didn’t realize that
what they have easily are
invaluable luxury
something i can’t buy with money

oh if only
if only i’m in peace
with everything i have
value them as luxury
maybe my heart will finally be at ease

I don’t need more
I need what I’ve lost

I don’t want to climb higher
I want a quiet gentle pause

the uneasy effort results in clarity
that my start is still far below zero
and the dream is still far away to go

how do I tell myself
that the evil whispers aren’t true
that this is a milestone to celebrate
that hope will never disappear

to become my supporter
when I’m also the one carrying pain
I keep drowning
and keep shouting
“I love you”
“you’ve done well”

the nightmares start when I open my eyes
every morning my fears grow limitless
picturing my years to come in ruins
overcoming sprouts of hope I’ve been sowing

all I think is Mary
the pure was tested with slander
shaken a solid tree while in pain
kept silent when she wants to explain
said all she needs is trust
all she had was faith

it reminds me of gentleness
that had gone too long to remember
it reminds me of a lonely walk
in this dangerous unsafe world

it reminds me of an erased smile
grieves nobody wants to hear about
a long black cloak and i moved on
yet a never ending mourn

it reminds me of a faded love
and eyes that never satisfied
and i don’t want to be a flower
that wither when he loves another

how can i ever hate you
i was created to love you
(seems like i’m the one who loves more)

how can they say
i’m getting someone better than you
i’ve loved you for the rest of my life
and no one can ever replace you
(don’t know how i’ll ever heal this wound)

you were my reason to live
everything, me becoming a king
all was so i can come back to you
come back to you safely
(unscratched even if you scream at me)

and i want to slam everything to the floor
so i wouldn’t be the broken one alone
be it glass, crystal, or diamond
(all i want is you love)

tell me how to live like you’ve never been my home
because i endlessly miss you
reset my head like you’ve never existed
because i survived without you

you were my whole world
and you decided to tear my body apart

you were my fortress
and you left me drenched in a dark road

you were my definition of love
and your eyes said i better nonexisted

you didn't come to my funeral
now you ask if i want to dance

you want to reach out
but i've already sunken
you're wrong if you see me glow
the light isn't for you

i've followed you before
climb to you, swim to you
but you can't see me try
you didn't try to

i don't blame you
but don't blame me

thank you for calming yourself down
thank you for cheering yourself up
thank you for your good intentions
thank you for your best efforts

keep searching, keep running
may God be content with you

there's a crack in my chest
i filled it with flowers,
gold, and sparkles
but it's still empty
i'm still thirsty

were you too good at hiding
or had i been hallucinating

i climbed a mountain to find you
but i lost myself on the way

can you be brave enough
to acknowledge that it was just
a fateful unfortune

can you be strong enough
to accept and let go of
what's been taken from you

can you be merciful enough
to see your monstrous form
and shower her with love

you can endure anything
if you let yourself to

sometimes it's not the money
but the way it was taken

sometimes it's not the bruises
but the memory

sometimes it's not the wording
but the meaning

sometimes it's not the action
but the intention
that hurts

the light ripped the darkness apart
and in that daybreak i see my future

things i nurture will be taken away
dreams i want will never come true
people i love, i'll need to let go
pain i suffer, i'll have to endure

i'll lose it all,
but i'll be fine
as long as i remember you,
i'm complete

it's beyond your control
why cry over it?

it's not yours
why claim to own it?

'no' is just a result of two random possibilities
take it, leave it, grow out of it

am i a trophy
am i a crown
am i a flower
in your bouquet
do i shine
like a gold
in your eyes

i don't even know anymore
am i being abused
am i being harassed
am i being loved
all feel the same
scary
painful
but i'm good at ignoring it

"what you need to ignore
is the people who hurt you
not the pain they've caused"

sometimes i don't want you
to be kind to everyone
to adapt to adjust
to like everything

you're as lovely as a doll
as plain as a canvas
don't let people paint
anything the want on you

when you asked
"what do you want?"
your heart doesn't answer anymore
you've silenced it for too long

be honest with me
let the tears out
take off your mask
you can rest now

a lot of things happened in the past
and you have fought well
so whatever the future is going to be
you are a winner

you build me a castle
but you give me no room
to be myself
to feel myself

under the light
above the stage
i always know what to say
put a charming smile to sway

but i can't find a word
to title our story
i paused too long
trying to explain how it feels

was it always this vague
were i always this speechless

even when i know the answer
it's still hurt the most
even when i'm an adult now
it never really healed

maybe it's just how life is
what comes will go
maybe it's just better for me
to stop asking why

i'm here
i can heal you
and when you're happy
come back to me

don't go around
and get your heart
broken all over again
remember me

they always talk,
but can't listen.
it's okay.
i'll listen to your stories,
every detail of them.

when i look at the mirror,
i always think you're pretty.
so don't compare yourself with others
and just focus on us.

you were always so selfless.
but honestly,
among other people,
i love you the most.

i would fight fiercely
yet wait patiently
for you.
so please, accept me.
love yourself.

you didn’t notice that i’m fading
you have your family
i don’t have mine
you were

my chest's burning like
i'm ready to slam my phone
and i'm just so sick of

adjusting my feelings
revising my words
setting up my smiles

to keep everyone happy
avoid another contrariety
runaway from the reality

a baby born crying then
you forced her to laugh

why do we born
to be weak
to be owned
to recover alone

why do we taught
not to say no
not to be heard
not to be complete

you were right in front of me
but i missed you so bad
like you're not there

you only wanted to be loved
why can't i give it
why can't we
to each other

a man ruins my childhood
a man ruins our sisterhood
a man ruins her motherhood
we crave their love but
we never loved ourselves

the train blasts in speed
sends me to the battle field
punch my heart, form a shield
i'm ready for another slit
i wonder what could have changed
cause my wound still bleed the same

i've invited her to
a dark place which
is called my mind and
she stayed with me

i've taken her to
a rushing river which
is called my tears and
she swam in deep

i've walked her through
an eggshells path which
is called my traumas and
she held me tight

i don't even feel like
i need to make her stay
cause she will

i don't hate you
i fear you
and you make me stay by
teaching me that
to love is to fear and
to fear is to love

we're alike, in many features, they said
but only the two of us understood that
we're standing in different bergs of ice

we enjoy paddling closer to each other
but sometimes the ice water feels so cold

and seeing other stops
weakens another

in the end
we both frozen

and it hurts