You're here, but you're not
Your back to me
A cold spot where you used to sit

You're here, but you're not
A smile on those lips
The ones I used to kiss

You're here, but you're not
Our friends, now just yours
They chose you over me

You're here, but you're not
I speak, but my voice
No longer matters to you

You're here, but you're not
The eyes that were full of love
Now, only hold hate when you behold me

You're here, but you're not
And I'm still standing here
While you're gone

You're in my room
Even when you sit in yours
I sleep in your clothes

You're in my shirt
The one I gave to you
When you were here

You're here, but you're not
Your earrings on my ears
You told me to keep them

To me, you're always right here
But in reality, you are not
Because you're here in my thoughts

I realized something
I rarely write for you
Nor about you.
I don't know why.

I feel like i should write something about you
I know there are no necessity in that.
I still feel like i should
So that you feel more special
So that you feel more loved

But for some reason,
I almost can't.
Maybe due to the fact that,
I only write about losses,
Or loneliness
Or sadness
Or everything that's dark-toned.
I don't know why,
It's always been like that for ages.

I remember once you said to me
That you always like my writings
But you hoped for once
That i write something about happiness
Or cheerful wishes
Or hopeful futures
Or anything with brighter-tones
But i can't
I don't know why,
It's always been like that for ages.

I guess, that's why i rarely write for you
Nor about you.
Because whenever i'm with you
I feel happy
I feel loved
I feel complete
I feel all kinds of positive feelings
That quite strange for me.

And those peculiarities that i feel,
Prevent me to write something for you,
And/or about you.

Because for once,
I feel accepted.
And i guess,
There are no necessity to write that down.

It's intelligence that's 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨,
Emotion 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨?
Is logic 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨?
But no, you;
You're all three.
𝘚𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘺; 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺,
That's why everything
Seems so confusing,
Right?

Is it really a memory if we can't cherish them?

Oh i love this ability
To know everything would end before it even starts.
To see through time and find no one in there
To see the ending before it even called a beginning

Everything would end exactly as expected
Like a Murphy's law, everything that can happen will happen.
Every single point of my story; the beginning, the middle, and the end, i knew exactly what the plots are.
Following some same circular pattern over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Then, over.

Is it really a memory if we can't cherish them?

Oh i no longer care about happy endings
I think it's just a cheap trick that every romantic comedy use.
Oh i wish i still care if it ends.
But i know, it ends because it has to.

Then why bother starts?
What's with all the hassle to create an opening line?
Oh i wish i still care for the answer
I don't know, maybe the fact that it starts just because it has to.
The fact that those stories will still go on whether the actor likes it or not.
Those stories will repeat themselves
Like a circle that has no beginning or an end.
Oscillates in one dimensional complex plane.
Real-complex-imaginary-complex-real
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Then, over.

Is it really a memory if we can't cherish them?

Although, what's the point of cherishing it?
They'll just gonna vanish anyway
Like a dementia, our memory corrodes
And there's nothing we can do about it, aren't there?

That's okay, does it really matter?
Whether everything is a one-way or reciprocates?
I might say i love you at exactly any moment in time,
But it won't matter anyway,
Everything that begins shall ends.
The best case scenario is, it ended up in a broken heart.
Not a numbness that i can't really escape, can i?
Like a tidy person, i always put my heart back in the exact same place before anyone took it.
In a neverending darkness where there's no light whatsoever.
Not even a buzzing exit signs that show me how to leave.
I don't know what to feel.
It just happened over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Then, over.

Is it really a memory if we can't cherish it?

Does it have all it takes to stay?
Does it meet all the requirements to be remembered?
Does it have it all to be memorized?
Does it want to be cherished?

Is it really a memory if we can't cherish it?

If we let things go as soon as it over
If we just hold it for a while for the sake of a smile?
If we end it as soon as it began
If we just look at each other and take a small mental picture for the day that soon ends?
If we
If we
If we
Starts over, does it really matter?
If you
If you
If you
Stay, does it still means it's over?
If i
If i
If i
Stuck in this loop, over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
Then, over.

Is it really?
A memory?
If we can't?
Cherish it?
Over and over
Over and over
Over and over
And then,
Over.

Oh no no no,
Don't get me wrong
I don't love you,
and never will.

If that's what it takes to be with you
Then, I will never love you
in every way that you would probably love.
in every way possible.

Oh no no no,
I can look you dead in the eye and say that
I don't love you
and never will.

If that's what it takes to look you in the eye
Then, I will never love you
in days and nights
in loneliness or in presence

Oh no no no,
There are no single statement that's true
That I don't love you,
and never will.

If that's what it takes to love you,
If loving you means stop loving you,
If loving you means not loving you they way it supposed to
Then, i don't love you
and never will