I was born
September 3, 1998.
In a small hospital in Korea.

Growing up,
I never knew how it felt to be alone.
I was always with someone taking care of me.
Whether it was my family or friends.

By the time I got to grade school,
I found out what bullying was.
I was bullied constantly, non-stop.
But there was a boy who stood up for me.
He was short and had brown hair.
I knew he liked me, but I never liked him back.

During grade school,
I moved to a place which I never knew existed.
I went south from my home.
I went to the beautiful archipelago called the Philippines.

It was my first time to go out of the country.
I was happy I got to meet new people
And go to new places.

My first day of school was nerve wrecking.
I barely knew how to speak English.

Time flied fast.
But the experiences never changed.
I was still bullied.
But now, there was no one who stood up for me.

When I got to seventh grade,
I got suicidal.
I started scratching myself until I got scars.
I tried to choke myself with a towel.
It was never ending.

I was known to be happy and outgoing.
But who knew the girl who smiled the most,
Would be the one who wanted to leave first?

The people who brought me to this world were killing me slowly.

I lost confidence in myself because of them.
They would call me fat.
I know they did it to look out for me.
But a scar that deep doesn't heal easily.

I gave up dreams and hobbies.
Just to make them happy.
So I wouldn't see them in pain.

Until today,
I have suicidal thoughts.
I still scratch myself.
I still try to choke myself.
I feel like I'm useless.
I try to break every part of me.

The scars that I've gotten
Changed who I am,
Changed how I looked at myself,
Changed who I wanted to be.

It's painful to see who I've become.

I can barely look at a mirror without saying, "Ugh."

My self asteem was gone.

I lost myself trying to find myself.

Sometimes, I catch myself thinking about how you're doing,
How your life is,
How is life without me.

I'm sorry I ended it so abruptly.
I didn't know how to say it.
I didn't know what to do.

You probably hate me to death right now.
But it's not my fault I wanted space.
It's not my fault that you took it so hard.

I want to make it up to you.
I want to be friends again.
I don't want awkwardness around us anymore.

I miss our heart to heart talks.
I miss our late night voice chats.
I miss our little indirect tweets.

I'm sorry. Please forgive me.

I felt free.

I wasn't *******.

I wasn't restricted to anything.

I was free.

Free from blame,
Free from shame,
Free from any chains that were holding me back.

Someone has paid to bail me out.

I thought I was going to spend my whole life,
Locked up behind bars.

But, no.

Someone who unconditionally loved me set me free.

I don't deserve it,
But He said I do.

Because He washed me with His blood.
Now, I am white as snow
And I am set free.

Holding hands in the cold weather,
Kissing in the rain,
Cuddling through the storm,
These are the little things I live for.

Wind running through my hair,
While running around in circles,
Stopping to breathe,
These are the little things I live for.

Paint gathering in my nails,
Ink bleeding through my fingerprints,
Finding paint on my clothes,
These are the little things I live for.

Silence when everybody's talking,
Peace when everything's out of place,
Calmness when everyone's ranting,
These are the little things I live for.

The way you look into my eyes,
The way you spin me around,
The way you hold me tight,
These are the things I live for.

These are the things I live for,
These are the things I will never forget.

When I was young,
My mom told me I was pretty,
Cute,
And beautiful.

I was this little girl
Who was always happy,
Who was always comfortable with herself,
Who was secure.

But now,
I cry myself to sleep.
I look at the mirror and turn away.
Because I know I didn't like how I looked.

I became someone who lost security.
I lost myself trying to find myself.
I killed my soul.
I became dead.

No matter how much I write,
I can't say how I feel.
I didn't know how to put it in words.

I looked through dictionaries to find what this feeling was called.
Never found it.
Divergent, isolated, separated, alone.

Insecure.