i'd say im sorry, but i'm not.
i'd say i care, but i don't.
i'd say im fine, but that's a lie.
i'd say "i hate this, i want to die", and mean it.
i'd say i'll stop, but it's an addiction.
i'd believe your lies of things getting better, but we both know
i'll be long gone before that happens.
i'll say 'tonight, i will finally do it', but none of you will believe me,
later find out i committed.
guess its too late to make amends for that last mishap.

if we are like a ride at the amusement park
-in for the fun & seems like it would be worth our time-
...i want to get off.

im sick to my stomach.
im not enjoying myself.
everyone is enjoying the ride without me.
my head wont stop hurting.
i cant stop crying out of fear & pain.
i cant take the ups and downs anymore.

all i want to do is get off & walk away.

shut down the park.

its closing time.

you can return anytime you like.

but for me...

im never coming back.

i told you how i felt
but you turned the other cheek.
i was basically rejected
i feel so small, so very weak.

i found the reason why i always keep to myself.
i hate this feeling of pain
of being rejected like im not good enough
this will never happen again.

im tired of letting people in
im tired of being alone
im tired of being rejected and hurt.
this is that feeling; gone.

im not gonna let you in.
im not gonna let you see my tears fall.
im not gonna let you see me hurt.
im not gonna let you bring me down most of all.

i told you how i felt
because i wanted you to know
but apparently you would never feel the same
so i guess its time for me to go.

go ahead and cry.
cry in your bed.
hold a pillow against yourself and cry.
stare at the razor on your pillow.
go ahead and stare.
swear and curse at everyone who's done you wrong.
cry for everyone who's done you wrong.
hold the razor between your fingers.
cry as you hold the razor between your fingers.
scratch the surface of your skin with the sliver of metal.
bleed over the pillow and create a puddle.
go ahead and bleed.
cry for the blood you spill.
bleed for everyone who's done you wrong.
go ahead.
cry. stare. bleed.
repeat. go ahead. stay there and lie very still.
feel the bed shift.
feel an arm wrap around your shaking self.
see a hand take the razor blade out of your own.
see the razor blade and the arm disappear out of sight.
see the arm curl back around you once again.
the kisses on your face and neck.
the voice of reassurance.
"dont worry, babe. im not going anywhere. f* everyone else. im never leaving you behind. i love you."

i love you too.

too bad i couldn't tell if that was the voice of reality's angel of my mind's devil.

lock the door.

ignore the pounding on the other side.

block them out shouting your name.

you know they dont really care.

if they did, they wouldnt have let it go on this long.

keep the door locked.

never let it open again.

with you alive inside.

all i want to do is sleep.
just for one night.
to sleep tight,
sleep soundly in my bed
with no thoughts
running rampid in my head.
i just want to sleep.
I wish i could
lay my head down
with dreams that are good.
not dreams that turn
into nightmares
and into my head they burn.
waking up me at midnight,
i wish i could fight
for the sleep i lack.
to sleep softly
in the deep dark black.
things get better
after a good night’s sleep.
i wrote in my last and final letter,
about all the nights i never slept
staying awake,
just sitting there and wept.

it wasn’t long ago
that i let my
sensitivity show.
saturday,
was filled with dismay.
i broke down
and crashed
straight into the ground.
i thought about angels
in their heaven,
so i gave myself
chances up to eleven.
eleven chances to
slip away to heaven.
but thats recovery for you.
get up eight times,
fall down nine.
on the ground,
i’m picking myself up.
and as i do,
i see what i’ve been through.
i see my fresh cuts
and see how beautiful and red
they look.
i love how much they bled.
and i’m scared
so very scared.
i’m scared,
and i’m alone,
even though
i see how much i’ve grown,
but i’m still frightened
by how much
my love has been heightened
by the razor in my hands
and how much
i can withstand
the sting of the blade.
and i remember
how no one is at my aid.
i want to recover.
i want to feel happy
with others.
but what if i slip and fall
back into the life
where i fell in love
with the knife.
i’m so scared
and no one is there for me
to say ‘i feel so despaired.’
goodnight to you.
goodnight to them.
goodnight to us.
goodnight to all.
tonight
another angel,
her wings have been found
and is now heaven bound.