Marisa Lu Makil

Marisa Lu Makil 14h

I keep living
As though love
Comes with strings attatched
And try as I might
I cannot cut through
That lie.

#depressed #love #anxious #stringsattatched #nostringsattatched #living #attatched #trying #cut #lies

Marisa Lu Makil 2d

My shoulders ache, my bones forlorn
I don't recall my acts this morn'

I've purple bags beneath my eyes
My head's in pain from midnight cries

My back–it hurts, my jaw is tight
I know I didn't sleep last night

My demons came to call again
Lying to me about my friends

With weary blinks and bleary eyes
I sit right here and I realize

I don't remember what it's like
To not be so exhausted.

#hurt #weary #pain #exhausted #depression #thinking #bones #insomnia #sleepapnea #crying

Marisa Lu Makil 3d

Eight, Six, Three, Five.

I was not raised by my sister's mother
Though the same woman raised she and me
I did not live with the same older brothers
Though we lived with the same older three

I was not cared for by the same father
As my sister had caring for her
The same person, he was, but I guess that's different
She had softness and I felt his burns.

I did not live in the same home as she
Though we both grew up on Fallow Street
I guess we're all changed by the parents we have
And more by the parents we meet

I did not have my sister's childhood
Hers seemed very soft to my eyes
While mine was a horror, tragic and bleak,
I fought very hard for my prize

My sister was raised in a different house
Different parents had she
We both grew up with the same people
But both had different families

As I got older, it took long to learn
That though we grew in the same mud,
My blood shared with her is thinner than water
For water is thicker than our blood.

The same two people raised my sister and I–JK and BK. We have the same brothers, P, N, and J. But I was raised with a mother who didn't understand me and a Father who didn't want to. She got the parents who had learned from raising me and decided to try harder with her. I got the brothers who should have protected me and all three failed to do so. She got the brothers who would have done anything for her. I love my family. I love who they are today and I am learning to love myself as well. But some days, it's so easy to remember how things were–they should have protected me. The five of them should have been my protection, but instead I had to learn to hide who I was and what horror lay beneath my smiling exterior because I had to protect myself since no one else would.
I love my family. I am fortunate to have three brothers who love me, a sister who is trying to love me, and parents who are trying to learn who I am now. It's just hard to remember my fortune when it's stained with the memories of the people I shouldn't have needed to mistrust. I should have been able to rely on them, and it still hurts no matter how much or how often I have forgiven them. I still remember.

#mother #sister #brothers #father #damage #pain #blood #depression #growingup #water

Marisa Lu Makil May 14

True Calling

My stomach churns
And my fingers ache
My brain screams
My heart shakes
I am deeply sick
In anxious anticipation
Of all the worlds I will write

I'm going to try and make a living off of writing. Book 1 is in the last stages of editing, book 2 is in the first stages of writing. Praying for inspiration and motivation and clear signs to tell me if this is what I'm meant to do with my life.

#writing #truecalling #poetry #stories #penandink #typing #editing #books #exciting #meanttobe

Marisa Lu Makil Apr 7

Scabbing Over

Why did you laugh and call me fragile
When I told you I am healing?
Healing is not weak -
This is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Healing isn't pretty. It's lots of panic attacks and freak-outs, it's a lot of emotional outbursts and not sleeping well. Healing is facing fears you didn't know you had and it's looking your past in the eyes and telling it that it has no control over you anymore. It's seeing your monsters for the first time maybe in years and telling them what they did to you. Healing is ****** and sweaty and tearful. It's messy and difficult but it is not weak. It is not fragile. It's a woman getting up from the field of battle, ****** and ***** from war, picking up her sword and choosing to fight instead of laying down to die. Healing is anything but fragile, it is anything but weak. And I won't let you tell me otherwise.

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 21

I Was Baptized

I've been thinking
Been worried sick
I don't think I can keep doing this

I've been stuck in
My own sin
Been worried Heav'n won't let me in

I've been trying
It's sink or swim
But there's some lies that I keep swallowing

"I'm just tired,"
I tell myself.
Could it all be fixed with better health?

Not my body
It's my soul
I keep digging myself in a hole

Been reading scripture
Did I read wrong?
Has your hand been saving all along?

Jesus save me
I confess
That I need you just to do the rest

Take what I've got
It ain't much
Think I'll benefit from just your touch

I've been caught in
Oceans of sin
Can you bid me walk on waves again?

For people struggling with assurance of faith.

Marisa Lu Makil Mar 18

Variations of You

In my mind there's a version of you
One who is happy
And never turned to drinking
As a way to push back the darkness
A version that told me he loved me
And really meant it
Who knew Jesus like I do
And who made me laugh
Who made my skin blush
Instead of crawl
And who chose to be better
And care for himself

And there's another you
Who never said anything
The you who is still my companion
Who makes stupid faces at me
And takes me out for dinner with our friends
An alternate you
Who I never told what broke me
Because when I did,
It broke us, too.

There's a third version of you
The one who hurt me
Used my past against me
The one who told me I was beautiful
And different from the rest
The one who two months later told me to never speak to him again
And gave no reason why
This third version of you is the one
Who lives down the road
I think you do.
Its been almost 3 years and I havent heard a thing
The third version of you is the one who left
And the one that I got

I don't know whether to be angry at you
Or to miss you
But I know that it hurts that you're gone
I'm not sure whether upon seeing you again
I would slap you
Or hug you
But I know that more than almost anything
I want to tell you that leaving didn't make me stop worrying about you
It made me worry more.
And more than that
I want to tell you to come back.

And oh how I wish that one of the you's in my head
/Heart/
Would come around
Because the second one is my friend
And the first
Is everything I ever wanted.

I have such mixed feelings about you. I wrote this ages ago and now it's been three years since I've heard anything. I don't know whether to hate you or love you or tell you to never come back, but on Friday, you finally said something. Now I'm dreading seeing you again because I don't know how to say how I feel.