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M May 2014
Imagine a balloon
So high up in the air all you can see is a red dot
With a string, miles long, connecting it to a golden anchor
By your feet
And you have a pair of scissors
Would you cut the string and let it fly into a mysterious oblivion
Possibly just a balloon graveyard, but maybe an adventure, where the whole sky is pink save for a few golden threads
Or reel it down and retie it on the anchor, beautiful, but static, only a slight wind to add any variation,
if there was ever even a wind at
all
Or would you cut the balloon, and take it with you, where ever you choose to go?
M Sep 2014
Recently ive only been comfortable sitting in a ball hugging my legs closer to me
i even sleep like that
So Small
And in English class i saw you wanted me to read my writing out loud,
Kept asking anyone else while covertly glancing my way, seeing me shrug my shoulders up, sink into my seat and hide behind my hair,
And i know you were dissapointed in me, and i am so sorry, you're the only one who ever came close to thinking of me, you're the
only one
And im sorry i just can't do it
what if i was wrong or i confused people, or what if they looked at me and listened to what i wrote and then they weren't just looking at me they were seeing and i was wrong?
i know i was wrong, i always am
im sorry
and i know you would tell me i couldn't be wrong, and to face my fears, but at least im facing one,
ive always been facing one,
im so alone, there are people in my life but they don't know me,
i cant tell people and they can't see without my help
So ive been living out one thing that terrifies me my whole life
im completely and utterly alone
But for some reason, i don't think that would make you proud
it would make you sad
For me
And i don't know what to do
Because more than anything i want you to be proud of me,
But i can't show people me
i cant
But i also don't know if i can go on alone much longer
You are the only one who has ever been close to seeing me
i am so sorry
M Apr 2015
It's a confusing time when a wandering mind is all that leads you on
And it's a broken world when a once outspoken girl has lost her taste for songs
M Sep 2014
Leaning on a sliver stallion,
staring at the receding sun,
Prepared to face that ghost battalion,
That long ago has left me numb,
Each second seems to stay a year,
But flees for fright my coming fears,
And leaves me in the dark alone,
To watch and wait for what I've known
To come, to take me, they haven't yet,
But everytime I see the hint of a shadow, I'm reminded. They won't forget
M Sep 2015
Cities are built on sand and then taken by the sea
Leaving good men with nowhere to stand, and with nowhere for me
For infanticide is perfectly acceptable at the hands of a god
And humanity is completely perfectable, but only if nothing is wrought,
And the good we do comes from the spirit but evil is all our own
For how could good come from a man who believes this world to be home
This is the faith my mother believes
This is the faith being forced upon me
She rejects my rejection of god's inherent perfection,
Continues injections of god's power, scripture's lessons,
But I still do not understand,
I still can't seem to see,
She speaks of a poisoned world
Of a savior for all of our ******* souls
She says we are sinners in god's angry hands
But is human such a bad thing to be?
M Aug 2014
I know I have people who love me,
But sometimes I feel so alone,
But this wonderful thing happened,
I've been dreaming about it for years now, I've wanted it but I was for a while too scared to chase after it, scared it wouldn't amount to my day dreams,
But it's happening,
I get to make it happen,
It wouldn't seem like such a big deal to anyone else,
Just me being ridiculous,
Like always,
But sometimes you just need something good in your life,
To remind you happiness is possible,
When words cannot,
And I've needed that for a while now, and I got it,
I GOT IT,
And no one else can understand how it makes me feel,
But that's just it,
It makes me feel,
I'm happy!
It's been a while, but I'm happy,
Instead of empty,
For however long this lasts, I'm happy!
Thankyou
Just
Thankyou
M Dec 2016
I don't even want to hold you anymore.
You did it. You Won.

I know now I am nothing to you but something to dwell on in the hidden places
A hand to hold when it's too dark to see

But I could always see
And because of that, I started to see you.

If it didn't mean anything when you traced my palms what compelled you to do it? Do you even remember the moment you suddenly cupped my cheek with your palm oh so gently and then just as quickly pulled away? My skin refuses to forget.

And after these three years of whatever this was, I give up. I can't become another story; that's all we end up being to you, stories. Even the ones who think they made it, that is all they become. I will leave, I am leaving so please spare me at least of that.

You won.
M Oct 2014
If I were ever given the chance
To touch the sky with my unworthy hands,
I would put the stars back in their correct places,
Because night's jewels should be showing all your faces,
For you friends are the truest beauty
I've ever known
M Nov 2014
Hello up there
i scream
But still can't get your attention
Giants weren't meant to listen to ants
Just step on them i guess
And my tears are too little to drown in
But i am swimming in just one of yours
And i just want to help you
Please let me help you
M Sep 2014
Darker here,
Erase, needs a highlight,
Round it off a bit,
Erase, more to the right,
Smear a little,
Black here, needs contrast,
Erase a little,
Don't need to go too fast,
Forgot where I put my pencil,
It was behind my ear,
For some random reason,
This feels natural, what's happening here,
Don't need to focus on who I am or why
Just gradients and contrasts, and for once, a happy sigh,
At least there's one thing I can do,
I can see things when they aren't hidden,
One of the only times I'm not so problem-ridden,
This....
This is....nice...
M Sep 2014
Today hasn't been the best,
It started out with the girl who didn't mean to hurt me,
I'm not mad at her, it just hurts to see her, but I cover it up fine,
Then swung me by the nursing home to give me a quick reminder about mortality,
I've never specifically cared about my own, but it's always nice to have a reminder that if I ever managed to find someone to care about me too, they could just drop dead and leave me
Alone
Again
Then it brought me back home to **** time, I never meant to waste anything, but it's not like I have anything else to do with it so,
I made some Italian pies to have something to do,
Then there was nothing.
I took a bike,
Listened to twenty one pilots, pushed myself as far as I could go,
Tried to outrun the fact that no matter how fast or far I could go, I can't ride away from myself, and I was just going faster and faster towards nothing,
But, of course I couldn't,
So here I am
Just breathing
M Dec 2014
I'm in my garage
Yellow paint on my fingers
Red on my nails
I'm spray painting and normal painting and everything in between
On a ukulele
From a show I don't really watch
For a person I don't really know
And that makes me sad
Because they don't know me either
But to be someone's friend you must know them
And right now
No one knows me
And I think I would like to change that
Because I think I would like to have a friend again
It's kind of nice
Most parts
From what I remember
But most of the people I know don't really understand friendship
Because they said "oh I love her!"
And then looked down at the table embarrassed as she ran away crying
And it left in awful taste in my mouth, seeing them, as I chased after her,
I do not like realizing things that make me sad
But I guess if it hadn't happened
Then I wouldn't have decided to try,
Her being upset was a very bad thing
But it strengthened who we were in relation to eachother
And it made me really realize, I've known all along, I suppose decide is more appropriate, and that is a good thing
It's funny how the world works that way
M Oct 2014
You want to know who I am, well sorry friend I'm not,
We should've talked so long ago, I'm sorry I forgot
You want to save me from myself, but sorry you cannot,
So just leave, just close the door and leave sorry me to rot
M Nov 2014
He woke up in a white room
Surrounded by men in white coats
Begging his momma for water
And Robin had to watch through the window
As he cried
Convulsed
And the men said no
She had to watch her son
As the doctors pulled the plug
They say heavens a better place
And I think that's true
And I think he'll be happy,
Eating Mimi's cooking,
Watching his family from up there,
But Robin,
Little bird,
How long will it be until you can fly up to your son?
My cousin died last night, the CT scan had no brain activity, so they took him off life support, but aunt robin, watching her child, her baby boy, die over just a few days, it broke her heart
M Oct 2014
It's funny, this world we live in,
Where toy dinosaurs are made of real dinosaur's bones,
Where even when others surround us we can feel so alone,
Where we feel we need to cover our souls,
Because somehow lead should be more appealing than gold
M Oct 2014
i sit upright in front of everyone else
They don't know my innerfights or my mental health
I spend all my hours saying that I'm fine,
But you know what, things have been ******* me, so im sorry that i lie,
It's not exactly simple to end your killing thoughts,
And it's not exactly easy to mend what pain has wrought,
And it's not exactly happy, not having any friends,
And it's not exactly helpful, just wishing it would end,
And it's not exactly working, loving what i can't even understand,
So, yes, i am hurting, and it's getting hard to stand
I'm sorry that all my poems are getting like this, it's just lately all i feel and it really is getting to be too much, and i don't have anyone i can even talk to anymore, so i write
M Dec 2014
There is murmuring
Completely surrounding
The vessel of my mind
Imaginary places
Occupying stationary spaces
Hiding behind my eyes
Words no one said
Envelop my head
And leave my real eyes blind
Trying to know
What I lost long ago
But the past is so hard to find
M Oct 2014
I heard a word that stirred my soul,
My heart, lips part, words start to roll
Off of tongue, the beauty sung hurt my lungs, breathe,
I remind myself, crying I find myself, it meant to grieve,
To smile, to walk a thousand miles on hot coals,
It drains a straining heart then a second later makes it full,
It surrounds us, it confounds us, leaves us bound to one another,
It gave me what might yet save me, bound me to all my brothers,
I regret how I forget things so fast, things that came from up above,
But I just woke and finally spoke that once forgotten word,
It's already fading, please come back to me,
Love
M Jan 2017
Is this situation curious or is it just me
who wonders why no one can ever just make up their minds
myself included
My thoughts deluded with your slender frame
when the tang in your breath was all the wind that was left in that world
of crashing waves and monumentous puddles
you were the only land
and I clung on so desperately
too desperately
as the current pulled me away

Is it true that all anyone wants is to be wanted?

Or do they just crave being able to pull away?
M Sep 2014
I think I understand now,
What you're trying to say, how
You need to save yourself, please friend,
Do so, stay alive, and so will I, I'm not ready for my end,
I will continue, though as we both know,
Everything changes, as if fate intended to throw
Us, cut us down from our feet,
And while we are down, rest your soul, sleep
If that is what you need, but I,
I can't stay, every second spent is paying to writhe
On the bottom in agony,
No, I cannot sleep, there will be no rest for me,
And I don't need you to fix me, I just needed someone who could understand,
No one else can save me, it must be by my own hand,
But know this, remember it when you awaken,
No matter what happens, you are my friend, I know you are, I know I'm not mistaken,
So I will get up, no matter how hard it will be,
Suffering into the truth, I must suffer to find me,
And maybe when you wake up I'll actually have done it,
I won't be alone, and you'll smile and Make me sit
Down and tell you how I did it,
How I found home
I never meant for you to feel you had to do anything for me.
I'm sorry
M Jan 2015
I'm not exactly happy right now
But I'm not exactly crying
And I'm not exactly living right now
But I'm not well on my way to dying
And people collectively are not exactly good
But neither are they bad
And it's been a while since I've stood
But I'm not sitting down sad
Because I am not defined by one action
We are constantly changing, growing,
Into who we need to be
We are not one moment of pain or satisfaction
We simply are and I am, and knowing
Knowing that keeps me free
M Oct 2014
Others laugh, my voice is silent,
Others dream, my minds more violent,
Others see, my eyes are clouded,
Others smile, my minds too crowded,
But others are themselves, as I should be
I could learn a lesson from them, learn to be me
M Apr 2014
Good for her, she finally found a boy worth keeping
Good for him, he finally found another soul for reaping
Good for me, I'll finally get to be alone in my weeping
Good for us
M Sep 2014
What the hell is wrong with me
My friend was going to a 1D concert
And as a joke I said we're not friends any more
And she laughed and I laughed,
But why the hell would the immediate thing I jump to, even as a joke,
Be me judging her based on a decision to just go have fun?
Why the hell would I contribute to something like that?
Pleasures shouldn't be "guilty" and what you like and don't like shouldn't be affected by fear of other people's judgment
Just because I don't really like the band,
What the hell made me think I could say that ever, that I was judging someone, someone I really care about,  over something like that?
What the hell?
M Nov 2014
I have a great aunt
Wild light grey hair shoots out of her leathery wrinkled scalp
She's in the nursing home she desperately wanted to avoid
And she's been bordering death for years now
But her eyes still light up when I go to her room
And I hear her screech missus baby it's been a while!
And she smiles and she cackles at whatever I say
And grasps my hand
But I'm not the only one who visits her
Her mother does, sisters, more recently her brother
And they've been gone for a while now
And everyone says aunt dolly is crazy
But I think she's just about the sanest person I know
M Oct 2014
I'm walking down an empty path,
Breaking in earth as I try to last
The tears, the pain, the broken smiles,
But fear remains, though I've walked for miles,
My head pounds harder and my skin is numb,
The air is frost now, the shadows come,
The ghosts of my past have found me
Old hopes and dreams surround me,
Along with the others I had left for dead,
They wail and they scream and inside my head
The pounding gets louder, it grows and it grows,
And the shadows come closer, there's no where to go,
They're all around me now,
And they've bound me down, how
Did they find me, I thought I was gone,
Why did they bind me, it has been long
Enough for them to forget,
And the pounding gets louder still, and yet,
They are quiet as death,
Empty, staring, watching my breath,
How did they find me alone in this wood?
I guess shadows follow, as follow they should,
For without darkness there can be no light,
But these are too dark, and large in their height,
I can't see past them, to dark I succumb,
They have found me and bound me,
And now I am numb
M May 2015
I want to build things, I want to be someone who brings
New things into existence, someone who has given up all resistance
To denying who they are, so that I can make it far
Enough to find the end and away enough to be a friend
To those to scared to ask
M Sep 2014
I loved being in love
I loved that giddy feeling I got when I talked to you
I loved the way my heart got all fluttery
I especially loved your smile
But, there are always the things that make you wonder
I didn't love the feeling I got staring at my phone for hours, waiting
I didn't love how my heart would get so heavy so fast, til I couldn't move and needed you to free me
I especially didn't love how I always felt you didn't care at all

That's why I'm using past tense
So I can get over this feeling faster
The thing I value most is freedom
But somehow you got me to chain myself
And you never meant to, I know
You never knew,
But I still need to break the chains
Because I've recently been discovering,
I deserve to be happy too
M Oct 2014
I think I need a break,
Everything here tears me down and rakes
My heart, and these wounds do not close,
I am an ant and life is a rose,
I try to climb to that sweet fragrance
But there are thorns to impale me and the other ants
Put me down, I'll never get to the soft red petals,
And right now if life were cars, I'd be in a rental,
And it's due the next day,
And I'm out of money, what could I say
Besides yeah you're right ok
M Dec 2014
I'm currently at a family party
I was grabbing a chicken finger
When I saw my great uncle
How are you
He asks
I smile
Say
I'm fine
And
He
Chuckled

Said
I don't believe that

I ask why

He says

Because
I
Know
You
M May 2014
I am surrounded by stars
But even in
Their blinding radiance
They cast only
Shadows
M Jan 2015
As she was tucking him into his bed
She loosely grasped for his hand and she said
Son do you mind the blanket gran knit?
He said no I don't, I don't not one bit,
It's big and it's warm, she made it to be,
She made it for love and she made it for me
Son do you hate it when I pack your lunch?
Mommy, you're silly I love it a bunch,
I know you're busy and it's hard to do,
And the note you leave, well, reminds me of you
Son do you hate me cuz I'm not you're real mom?
I don't mind that, that it hasn't been long,
Because I love when we are together
Right now I'm new, but we'll last forever
Son do you hate having to mothers?
Mommy I wouldn't want any others
Mommies love their children, that's what they're for
And now I have two, to love me all the more
M May 2015
Years have passed
Since I was cast
Away, to sea

Learning to float
Turn rocks into boats
What we hate to be

And I will drown
I hear sirens in sounds
But still do not see

Trying to find
What's gone from my mind
I have to let free
M Oct 2014
When shadows rule
And harsh winds roar
When men are fools
And black crows soar
That is when you must go
Solitude in light will save your soul,
Know right from wrong,
Not pain and harm
Your sole enemy is conformity
I don't know when I wrote this, I just looked at my notes and it was there. It's probably bad if I'm starting to forget things that much. I don't know what's happening to me
M Nov 2014
Isn't it fun
Finding out your cousin is in the hospital
That you probably won't get to see your only friends
8 hours away
Because you may be attending a funeral
For a guy you grew up with
Who's only twenty
Who may need a heart transplant
Or who may not live long enough to get his name on the list
Who you've always seen every thanksgiving, every Christmas,
Who you played football with and ate fried oysters
And you can't talk to anyone about how you wish you had at least the semblance of normality in your life
Because they'd think you're complaining about the inconvenience of your cousins funeral
Instead of what was really happening
About everything building up
And me not being able to deal with it
And me not being able to sleep at night
And me not being able to talk to anyone
Because I've never made a real friend
And the only people who have to care about me
Are fading out faster than the light in my eyes
And I don't really have much
And he has a whole life
And a girl friend
And real friends
And why couldn't it have been me?
M Jan 2015
Silver falls gently on soft green grass
Millions of souls still shining although they are passed
Lighting our way when the world has gone dark
Protecting our spirits and growing our hearts
M Jun 2014
I've never done drugs
Never wanted to
Never smoked anything
Never drunk
never wanted to
I've never desired touch
I've never needed to be held
Why?
It makes me feel inhuman
Which scares me more than you can imagine
Imagine
That's all I do
Think
Read
Out loud and to myself
How am I supposed to feel when I have more in common with the books scattered around my bed than man, humanity, the thing I venerate above all else?
M Sep 2014
**** everything and everyone
The school told me I couldn't start a lumberjack society because it wasn't
"Educational"
So **** them
This Thursday I'm doing it
I'm bring in pancakes and we are wearing flannel and there's nothing they can do to stop us
I just wanted this one thing,
Just one ******* thing
And if it's a stupid club
Where we wear flannel and eat pancakes
Then who are you to ******* stop me
To take this away from me
You can't
When someone needs something, they will do what ever they have to,
I need something,
And now it's this club
So just try and ******* stop me
M Jun 2014
A living prison, a cage of bone
A beating submission, confined, enthroned
Fettered by the weight of a breathing crown
Off centered, a bit to the left, and looking down
Never up, he's never braver
To hold the gaze of his enslaver
Who dwells above the cage he built
Killing doves  and avoiding guilt
Wrinkled, emotionless, an empty whole
The captor found not comfort, but lack of pain, in selling his own soul
M Jan 2016
It's never the same
But there's sort of an order
We leave as we came
Cross the same borders

And nobody knows
But they'll do what befits  
And that's how it goes
And we all go with it
M May 2014
A man
Alone
Only comfort in sleep
Because only in sleep
Do the others come back
He dreams their lives
Their loves
Their pain
Their loss
But they aren't real
Only he is
What happens to them when he wakes up?
M Oct 2014
I have lost people, people I loved,
They went to better friendships, or to somewhere above,
And I can see why they'd leave me, I mean I'm barely sane,
And what little I had lost a lot another had gained,
I guess I just never thought I'd be alone within,
But I guess how else can I atone for my sins?
M Sep 2014
The star fell,
Children pointed as it plummeted,
And it was terrified,
It didn't know what was happening,
It didn't know why,
And the only things it thought it would meet wouldn't be very helpful,
The ground, and death,
And as it fell, its light faded,
And a swirling mass of silver and gold remained,
Still falling,
The ground was almost upon him,
But it looked like it was going to pass down through a whole building first,
It went through the roof,
Strange he thought,
I just went straight through, it didn't break,
It fell through a room where a lady in a cast was watching jeopardy,
And a room where it saw a boy with no hair, eating a cup of pudding,
The next room confused him the most,
There was an old man, hooked up to lots of devices, and him in all his blankets looked like a wrinkled pea in a pod,
Who seemed to see it fall, and smiled as it went,
One of the imensest joys it would ever forget,
And in the next room, there was a woman
Her belly was large, and she was crying,
And a man dressed in white stood at the foot of her bed,
Just push he said
You're doing great
And on her side there was a man,
Whose hand she clutched tightly,
Who told her you're okay, Cheryl, you're okay
And the doctor said here she is
And held up a cute little thing
She was screaming and her skin was red,
And now it realized it was going to hit her,
Tried to move but couldn't,
And it entered the little girl's body,
But it didn't go through like it thought it would,
It stayed,
And when the little girl opened her eyes, the light it thought it had lost shined in them like two new stars were born
M Dec 2014
"Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet prince, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest"
I spoke as Hamlet died in my arms
Both the man and the play were finished today
And I was the only one to survive it
I sat at my desk in silence
The death of my lord,
My best friend,
Still heavy in my heart
And my teacher walked outside for water
And it was so noisy around me
But my soul was still giving it's respects
When I heard my name
She beckoned me to her
I left the class room,
Hamlet's only pallbearer,
And she pointed
And in a hole at the corner of the building
Sat something so precious
Peeking her little head out curiously
And with just a glance in my direction
The kitten hiding in the school building
Took the other end of hamlet's coffin
And Meleanie helped me to lift my side
And we laid him to rest in that hole of the building
Together
We finished hamlet in English today, I read for Horatio. After we had finished, my English teacher went to fill up her water bottle in the next door sink, but when she was outside she called me out to her, and pointed out the cat. She told me she noticed it the other day and had left it some chicken the night before. Then she smiled at me, big and wide, this 62 year old woman who experiences life so joyously like a child, yet can seem to read my mind as easily as she can shakespeare
M Nov 2014
I think it's strange
How people all need eachother
We're like little love parasites
Feeding off our brothers
And I don't know why we need it
I guess our souls get hungry too
And you know, I'm kind of lonely,
And I need some love from you
M Feb 2014
You told me today that yesterday you heard a mockingbird
It was outside on a tree singing its song, so you pulled out your bird whistle -that you keep in your purse for emergencies- and started to sing along
It looked down at you but kept singing and you sang with it for about thirty minutes
And then it flew away
I heard you tell her you can hear the trees, their pleas rang through your ears and cut your heart in two when the forest over yonder was cut through
And you told me to fall in love with something today, anything, you fall in love everyday
A word, a phrase, that bird, but I've been in a haze
Too entranced to notice anything except you
This beautiful person is so innocent but wise, I want to be just like her when I grow up. She is teaching me about myself, and I honestly can't comprehend how someone so beautiful can exist on this earth
M Aug 2014
I don't know what I want,
I don't know who I am,
And I don't know why I am, for that matter,
I don't know what's going to happen,
Or what should,
But I do know,
Without a doubt,
You deserve to be happy,
And if they don't make you happy, run like hell, because that's the only way you're gonna get out
M May 2014
If you could build
A tower
That spiraled
Up
So
High
That it literally
Broke through
The sky
You would, so you could
Put her in the stars
M Oct 2014
I would like to help someone else,
Because then I might finally feel like I mattered
M Oct 2014
I'm scared, I'm terrified,
I am emptiness glorified,
I used to remember who I was,
But memories fade as emptiness does
Take over, it's taking everything,
My heart, my soul, now even memory?
My mind has always been all that I had,
Not much room for love when you're inherently sad,
It drives away some, and others don't really care,
Not about me, but I guess fair is fair,
But my mind doesn't matter
Because I'm mad as a hatter,
And it doesn't work all too well,
But I hide behind it, my protective shell,
And now it's cracking, the breaks are nerve wracking,
Because of emptiness's theft,
Because once it's gone, there won't be anything left
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