What
if
I
was
just

























Gone?

shut your MOUTH
and let me speak
because when you SPEAK
I can't think
When you THINK
you don't filter
and when you don't FILTER
your words hurt
and when you HURT
you don't care
when you don't CARE
I want to die.

some people's footsteps are loud
they want everyone to know that they have entered
or perhaps they have no reason to hide
They strike the ground first with their heel
you can always hear them approach

but mine?
my footsteps are silent
I glide across without a sound
no one needs to know that I am here
I have reason to hide
I tread first with the pads of my feet
you will never hear me approach

Lies, deceit
truth stowed away
kept behind clenched teeth
and locked lips
all the while the lies spill
unbound, from desperate mouths
oozing out like honey dripping from
a liar's tongue
Lies, deceit

you rip apart the seams of this family
you are a hurricane and we are the destruction in your wake
you are a wildfire and we are burned
you are an earthquake but you aren't the one rattled
you have caused mass destruction and singed everyone you touched
you hate us
you natural disaster

I think it's safe to say
that right now I'm doing okay
I don't feel sad
I'm not even mad
I'm not yet happy
but then again, I don't think I ever will be
I just think that right now I can truly say
I'm just doing okay.

dipping your finger into
a pool
stirring up memories
good and bad
with nothing but your finger and your presence

I Hate You.















There, I said it.

tell me what you see
when you look at me
of course you see the same thing
the same thing I see

of course you see the same
ugliness and darkness
of course you notice
the emptiness and worthlessness

of course you see the same
because there's no prettiness
no worth, no light, no fulfillment
Tell me how you notice the things you say you do!

i'm scared that when I have kids
i'll parent just like her
or her
drugs and abandonment on one end
abuse and manipulation on the other
I don't know how to end the cycle
when I see myself in the reflection of both of their eyes

being lonely is different
then being alone

you can be lonely while surrounded by people
but to be alone is to be truly by yourself

and when you are truly alone
the worst kind of lonely sets in

I used to bruise easily
both on the inside
and outside
words used to grab
me like a vise
and leave bruises under the skin
mottling my confidence
with their ugly black hue
fists used to bruise
my eyes, my legs, my arms
on the outside of my skin
leaving marks for all to see
but over the years I built up tolerance
nothing bruises me anymore
nothing can cut me anymore
nothing can hurt me when I don't care
anymore

summer rain, warm wet air
puddles on the concrete
music in your head
rainbow over the mountain while the
sun shines through dark clouds
barefoot through the damp green grass
running, spinning, watching the lightning
hair falling in wet strands, framing your face
throwing caution to the wind
to dance in the exquisite summer rain

a yellow summer is coming
yellow tipped sun kissed clouds
drift just above a pasture of yellow waving flowers
summer is coming, you can smell it
in the warm air, still misty with rain
rain that dampened silky yellow strands of hair
and a gentle breeze gives hope
that maybe it will offer relief from the sticky yellow sun
a yellow summer is coming

when my heart is done aching
the pain moves to my head
the feelings swarm to my mind
because simmering in my heart
does them no good
at least when they make my head ache
they are allowed to boil over
and be released all at once
captured in headache tears
that once were heartache feelings

dread
weighs
heavy
as
anxiety
grabs
hold
and
slowly
kills me

just once
I want to be called beautiful
I wont believe you anyways
but i'll want to
just once I want you to tell me i'm worth it
I won't trust you
but i'll try
just once I want you to see me
i'll pretend you weren't looking at me
but i'll know
just once I want to be told i'm perfect
flaws included
but I won't believe you

You screamed this morning
Now my makeup is running
Look. You ruined me.

the people i'm closest to
never seem to stay
they always have to go away
and leave me behind
crying

a day so many years ago
drawing with sidewalk chalk
chalk pieces left on the driveway
rain
began to fall
drawings began to blur and fade
chalk pieces dissolving
into sticky puddles
of neon orange, pink
purple and blue
swirling together
makes me remember
that there was a day
when I stopped going back out
with a piece of chalk in hand
to leave drawings for the rain to distort

We were sitting in the park
I was six, my brother seven
I love you, she told us
Our once-a-monthly visit
That she missed more then she made
I'm working hard to get you back
I'm trying to stay clean
So you can come and live with me
I never told her what I really felt
So here are those words now
I needed you to save me
I needed you to want me
But I guess the drugs were a stronger force
Then the love you should have felt for your kids
Now I live in hell
And I swear its all your fault

my heart dropped
only for an iron fist to grip it in panic
it started racing hard
I got uncomfortable, wanted to leave
tried to avoid you
tried to be positive despite the anxiety
but my heart dropped
all because I saw you
you don't drive the black truck with the silver accents anymore
or I would have known you'd be there
you
winked
at
me
and my heart dropped

I think of everything I go through daily
the hitting, the screaming
the narcissism, the manipulation
the abuse
and I think
Could be worse
so I end up being grateful that at least
I got food to eat and somewhere to sleep
a school to go to and siblings that care
I look at the bigger picture
instead of allowing myself to feel like a victim
because that mindset will get me nowhere
so I cope in silence and just be thankful
because it could be worse

fingertips
trailing through the clear crystalline water
feet
squishing through the lush grass
face
turned up towards the warm heat of the sun
lungs
inhaling the sweet, clean air
hair
blowing in the gentle cooling breeze
ears
listening to the wonderful serene sounds
heart
at peace at last

Life takes too much energy
Exhausted
all
the
time
Sick of it all
It's not the first time struck by an episode
Life is going average
Ok-ish
pretty boring
but
routine
is
key

O
C
D

Yes, life could be better
but we'll get through it
I know we'll get through it
because you told me we will
so we shall
hand
in
hand
Together

just another quick write
before I sign off for the night
today I laughed
I loved
I learned
So I feel like that made it a great day
dontcha think?

when I smile,
know that it is
forced
when I laugh
know that it is
fake
when I cry
know that it is
overdue
when I scream
know that it is
powerless
when I die
know that it was
wanted

scream at me
and I will hate myself
manipulate me
and I will do the same
beat me
and I will cause my own scars
just speak to me
and I will listen and learn
all this extra is unnecessary.

The perfect family
Smile for the public
No one knows what's beneath the laughter and jokes
No one suspects that they are anything less than
The perfect family
Picture perfect house
Picture perfect appearance
Won’t someone look a little deeper
Look past the expensive things
Look at the expressions
Can’t you tell
That this isn’t a perfect family?

why not instead of stacking red
cuts up on your arm and leg
you stack words in bleeding ink
words to live by, to make you think
press the pen tip to your skin
and do not lift up the sharp thing ever again

I would rather be dirt poor with a loving family
then live in this big expensive house of nightmares

too
late
fateful words
reminds me what I've been too late for
too late to whisper I love you
too late to say no
too late to tell the truth
too late to erase a mistake
too late to speak up
too late to try
too late to give a hug
too late to think straight
too late to land
too late to stop you
too
late
fateful words

your words are the chain
that I will drag as a ghost
every word
a new link
clink
clink
clink
by the time you are done
my chain's a mile long
and your fist
is the shackle 'round my ankle
and your heart
bruised and beaten and battered
is the ball at the end of the chain
'till I
clatter
clatter
clatter
anytime I move

Pen to paper
Write
I can't
Fingers to keyboard
Write
I can't
Thoughts in mind
Write
I can't

It's not the falling that hurts-
It's the before.
when you're standing on the edge
That's when it hurts.
The fall is the most freeing part-
the weightless, unburdening float towards reality
and then with a SNAP
you realize that
The landing hurts too.

Loud, too loud
your voice rings in my ears
long after I have left
screaming, stop screaming
I can't hear myself thinking
about all the ways I can escape
quiet, too quiet
at least when you're screaming loud
I can feel something other than sad
you're just too loud

Blacked my eye
but I won't cry
Screamed in my face
but I won't cry
Called me names
but I won't cry
I won't
I repeat
I refuse
To shed another tear for you

do you know what its like
to wake up every morning
and be disappointed that your eyes open?
that your heart still beats
and there is still air going into your lungs?

if so I am so so sorry.

depression is not your color
it doesn't look good on you
I can see the reflection
of depression wearing you thin
you're pushing everyone away
you're pushing ME away
and I am hating this so much
I don't know who you are
you aren't the goofy smile
and loud laugh I love
you're negativity, poison, betrayal
and it doesn't suit you
depression is not your color

you twist words that come from my mouth
you bend them into a sick shape
to match your will
you distort them until they fit
your version of events
You make things up
to make me seem like the bad guy
in your eyes there is only one truth
and it's the one you create from the words
you twist from my mouth

On your darkest night
you won't ever be alone
I'll be by your side
let it out, let it go
It's okay
to cry
you can let the river flow

it's truly amazing
what braces can do
I went from a girl with teeth too big for her mouth
and large gaps between all front teeth
to someone a little easier on the eyes
and a little more confident
after four years
of metal, wires, pain and colorful bands

just a girl with some demons
but they don't define her
Because sometimes she skips instead of walks
sometimes she laughs for no reason
sometimes she tells stupid jokes
sometimes she loves so hard it hurts
sometimes she purposely avoids her reflection
sometimes she sings at the top of her lungs
and she loves her brothers and sisters and friends
and sometimes she cries herself to sleep
and sometimes she complains about nothing
and she writes bad poetry
and she spends hours inside a book
and sometimes she questions everything
but she's just a girl

You rule with an evil golden scepter
Keep us pinned under your blackened thumb
Create angry reddened scars if we try to run
Twirl us around on your puppeteer strings
Cause chaos if we want to just be happy
Stir up unreasonable guilt with your *******
Call us names and bruise and beat us
Taunt and scream and never relent
Rage and rampage because you are a bull and we are the matador
this is what you do

I wore long sleeves
to hide the scars
I controlled the amount of pain I was allowed to feel
to make up for the pain you caused
that I was not in control of

Oh, I always seem happy
Thank you
I've had years
and years
To perfect my happy strategy
The right size smile here
A well placed laugh right there
Tears only released in the dark
That's my happy strategy

opening my window
sitting on the roof
with my knees tucked to my chin
staring into the night
drops of rain falling all around me
the breeze reminding me
that I do feel
the croak of frogs down in the pond
chirp of crickets
stars hidden beneath a blanket of clouds
the pattern of the rain matches
the drops of my tears
people care
and this night is too pure
to be sad

I used to think it wasn't my fault
after all, you were the adult

but maybe I was to blame
maybe, just maybe, I should've had more shame

I wore shorts that were way shorter then my finger
but I didn't know your gaze would linger

I'd like to say I was just a kid
but 14 is old enough to know what I did

I was old enough to tell you please don't speak
I was old enough to stop being weak

The things you would say rattled my brain
and to this day, still causes me pain

I know now that it was my fault
I was the kid, and you were the adult

but I wasn't strong enough to tell you to quit
I kept it a secret I couldn't admit

And I will always carry that shame
for I am to blame