foot on the gas
engine roaring and humming
music blaring
you, in the passenger seat
my hands gripping the wheel
us, singing at the top of our lungs
"I'm sad in Carolinaaaa"
you, playing the air guitar
me, nodding my head to the bass
us united, a team again
you, looking happy once more
me, sad but singing along anyway
because I just like you happy
and I don't know when I'll get another chance
to see it again

depression is not your color
it doesn't look good on you
I can see the reflection
of depression wearing you thin
you're pushing everyone away
you're pushing ME away
and I am hating this so much
I don't know who you are
you aren't the goofy smile
and loud laugh I love
you're negativity, poison, betrayal
and it doesn't suit you
depression is not your color

we were supposed to be united
a team
us against the world
but you have betrayed me
I trusted you
so much
and I would have never done anything
like this to you
I guard your secrets with my heart
and you steal mine like they're yours
don't you care how you're hurting me?
haven't you seen how worried I've been about you?
you're not the same
the person I knew would never do this
I want you back
and the secrets you stole from me
I want them back

she is rain drops on tree bark
and sunshine in dark places
she gives chances to those
who don't want to leave
she places them in her shine
so they can see truth
she knows nothing but good
and light and music and art
she is you, evolved

she is the opposite of the one who resides
in the dark corners of your mind
the dark corners that glow eerily to life
only at night
the one who resides there
scrapes at your brain
with his long, crooked lies
he is medication uncurable
but not Daizee invincible

he whispers things into the corner of your mind
terrible things
guilty, guilty, guilty
but upon the arrival of the light
he can see through the fog
everything is translucent
and he whistles a new tune
loved, loved, loved
he now knows his time is up

no more will he pick at your skin
no longer will he cut at your identity
he has been replaced by an irrevocable light called Daizee
but she will not dispel him entirely
instead she looks at him
she sees him
she KNOWS him
she sees your whole life inside his eyes
but it's not all bad

and she knows no matter how much damage he caused
he cannot touch the one he lives inside
anymore
for now that she has arrived
she will protect you from the darkness
she is your nightlight
she is your rain
she is your trees
and she can never be reduced to a stump

so she locks pinkies with him
in a promise of a truce
for the sake of the one he has been killing
he stares into the beautiful light
he knows that he must stay
to leave would be to change you entirely
and you are loved too much with him included for him to do that
so he lives forever
not in darkness, but in the light of the one who saved him

Daizee

it's hard to believe people love me
when I don't love myself
and once they are around me
there's no way they possibly can
because once I take the mask off
I'm no longer the "safe place"
they thought I was
instead
I'm the one who needs saving

I'm scared
for you
I could lose you
at any given moment
and I would never see it coming
and there would be nothing I can do to stop it
I'm scared
I want you to be okay
I need you to be okay
I can't reach you right now and it's killing me
you were fine an hour ago
and now you're not
And
There's
Nothing
I
Can
Do
I'm scared

I woke up tired
thunder rolls
inside of me
and outside my window
the rain falls
steady
but my eyes are dry
for the first time in weeks
I didn't get any sleep
but the sky showed its anger
so it's okay

I don't want to notice
the way my hip bones stick out
I don't want to see
the hollow spaces between my ribs
and I don't want to look at
the way my shoulder blades angle sharply
or the way my collarbone protrudes
I don't want to notice
the difference
so please stop pointing it out

you called me
disgusting
because I lost
ten pounds
said hurtful
things
and acted
like it shouldn't
bother me
I am
disgusting

you see me
but
do you SEE me?
you look right at me
but does your gaze land on what's important?
or are you just secretly
looking through me
looking past me
looking beyond me
do you see me?

there are broken pieces all around me
and the more I try to pick them up
the more I get cut
I stare at the blood
is it worth it?
to put myself back together
if it only hurts me worse?
I set down the pieces
I don't use them to stab the ones who broke me
I don't use them to fit back into the puzzle
I simply lay them down
and pretend like they don't exist

all I want
is to hear them say
I love you
without there being a price tag on it
and to hear it said more then I hate you
and to not know bruises on my face
It's all I want
to know love

hope is a butterfly
it dances in front of your face
until you try to catch it
then it flutters away like
its got other places to be
and if you do manage to catch it
you'll only damage it

the lovely
sitting alone
in the wondrous basement
with occasional flooding
wrists burning
heart brimming with sadness
yet you tell me I'm magical
and that you're grateful for me

I wish you knew the real me
because I am lost
and I am not enjoying the maze
I cry about stupid things
I flinch away from touch
because the only contact I know is violent
I try to fix others
but cannot fix myself
I lie
and pretend
to be more then I am

you say I know the secrets of the universe
but in reality I know nothing
I know only how to say words
and string them together to make something pretty
something that feels like a hug
from 26 days away
but in truth
they are nothing but words.

I am not marvelous
nor magnificent
and I am not all I pretend to be
I am less
I am lost
and you are lovely

twinkle, twinkle, little star
What a little liar you are.
told me that my wish would come true
if I made a wish on you
but twinkle, twinkle, little star
I'm still crying from afar

proof that if people take the time to get to know you they will eventually begin to notice the little things like:

I tie small pieces of my hair in knots
whenever I'm thinking hard about something
because it makes my dad laugh
and tell me I'm going to make myself bald

whenever I see someone crying
whether I like them or not
I always stop and listen and try to make it better
because I would want somebody to do that for me

I have a photo album full of pictures
of my favorite people
so when I'm sad I can flip through it
and their smiling faces remind me I have people I love
and that I would do anything for them

I wear a safety pin on the hem of my shirts
as a promise
to my parents and my siblings and to me
that I will never hurt myself again

I make bracelets for all my friends
an insignificant thing
but I do it because
it brings me joy to see them wear them every day

when I was younger I would stare out my window
and watch the lightning at night
and count the seconds before the thunder boomed
until I fell asleep
and sometimes I still do

opening my window
sitting on the roof
with my knees tucked to my chin
staring into the night
drops of rain falling all around me
the breeze reminding me
that I do feel
the croak of frogs down in the pond
chirp of crickets
stars hidden beneath a blanket of clouds
the pattern of the rain matches
the drops of my tears
people care
and this night is too pure
to be sad

I feel like I'm drowning
like my lungs are pulling, desperate for air
but all they find is a substance suffocating
I can't see the surface
I'm too far gone
I stopped kicking a long time ago
everybody blurs with the water
but they are swimming
they don't notice I've been sinking
and that my last bubble of air
has escaped my lips
in the form of a cry for help

I look at my eyes
and I don't see anything in them
they're just dead
the little girl sparkle is extinguished
the flame of hope is tired
and the brightness is done caring
my eyes are dead
and they reflect my heart

I wish my dreams were my reality
and my reality was nothing more then a nightmare

you say I don't respect you
and maybe I don't
but I definitely fear you
respect is a two way street
respect goes both ways
when you stop ruling with fear
and respect me
maybe I'll try harder to respect you

the joy of the night
sitting beneath the stars
the air is still warm
the fire smoking still
my brother, playing guitar
the melody peaceful
we sit and laugh
with friends
we stare at the moon
point at shooting stars
admire the distant lightning
the joy of the night

sometimes it's like
whoever programmed me
hit random buttons
created the wrong code
and just didn't fix it
I want to hit backspace.

I cut my finger cooking
wiped away the blood and carried on
"Why don't you get a band-aid?"
Because, little sister
One day you will endure worse
then just a skin deep cut.
And, little sister
band-aids cover pain.
They don't fix it.

I wore long sleeves in the summertime
the heat was unbearable
but I
couldn't
take
them
off
so you think you can hurt me?
wrong.
I am the only one who can hurt me.

too
late
fateful words
reminds me what I've been too late for
too late to whisper I love you
too late to say no
too late to tell the truth
too late to erase a mistake
too late to speak up
too late to try
too late to give a hug
too late to think straight
too late to land
too late to stop you
too
late
fateful words

some say I'm nosy
but I disagree
I think my problem is that I care
too much
I want to fix everyone
and to do that I must know everything
until it becomes obsessive
how do I stop caring so much

I don't burst into tears
I fall into tears
silently
gracefully
like a practiced maneuver
like a missing piece falling back into place
I fall into tears
like they can somehow protect me

Someone once said
when you're happy
you enjoy the music
when you're sad
you understand the lyrics
and that just
makes
sense
because when you're happy you don't worry about anything
but the sweet melody breezing into your ears
and when you're sad
you focus on the deeper things
the real meanings
the connection you missed before
the words

can you hear my words
when I say nothing at all?
can you see my pain
when I smile without my eyes?
can you smell my desperation
when I'm trying hard to be calm?
can you taste the salt from my tears
when I don't shed them in your presence?
can you feel the real me
when I don't even feel it?

when my heart is done aching
the pain moves to my head
the feelings swarm to my mind
because simmering in my heart
does them no good
at least when they make my head ache
they are allowed to boil over
and be released all at once
captured in headache tears
that once were heartache feelings

I can go all day
happy and fake, knowing just what to say
but the second I lay down to sleep
the monster from under the bed
infiltrates my head
what if what if what if
how come how come how come
where are these thoughts coming from
they keep me awake and give me bad dreams
I just want my head to be quiet sometimes
as quiet as the darkness I call mine

you-taking me driving when no one else would
you-letting me talk and telling me I'm understood
you-have a checkered past and so do I
you-making me laugh and making me cry
you-have a voice that makes me love my name
you-I love you but I don't think you feel the same
you-always and forever you

those shorts fit you last summer
she says
you've lost weight
she observes
you didn't weigh enough to begin with
she barks
are you eating
she asks
you can't afford to miss a meal
she shouts
finish all your food
she demands
she acts like she cares
but in reality
the only reason she noticed
was because she was told

I used to bruise easily
both on the inside
and outside
words used to grab
me like a vise
and leave bruises under the skin
mottling my confidence
with their ugly black hue
fists used to bruise
my eyes, my legs, my arms
on the outside of my skin
leaving marks for all to see
but over the years I built up tolerance
nothing bruises me anymore
nothing can cut me anymore
nothing can hurt me when I don't care
anymore

do you ever feel like
your internal clock is ticking
ticking away
like there's so much to do
before a certain age
and if you don't get it done
you're behind?

Now I'm sixteen
going to be 17 in a month
I thought by now
I would have my driver's license
had my first kiss
had even a clue
about what I want to do

but I don't and it makes me feel
so lost

we sat-
not in silence
but in words
and tears
"I have to leave.
She's making me crazy."

You had better not leave me.












"I won't."

for years you were bubby
and you called me *****
I didn't realize
that there would come a time
where you would stop calling me that
and would beg me to stop saying bubby
on the playground at school
you were always the older one, the protector
and I was the one you looked out for
I didn't realize there would come a time
where we would stop depending on one another
and become each other's enemies
we'd been through hell together
got taken away from our mother together
all we had was each other
so eventually there came a time
when we realized that we were allowed to be friends again
and became everything we needed for each other
just in time
for you to leave me for your next chapter

Anna is loyalty
now and forever
the one who will fill the void of silence
with her bubbly words
she is energy, intelligence, and spark
and she looks up to me like I hung her moon

Crystal is softness
drawing and music
she is happy no matter the circumstance
and will always try to brighten your day
she is full of sunshine and rainbows
and would do anything for anyone

Sean is strength
reliable and honest
makes me laugh when I cry
and has always looked out for me
he is goofy and silly
but will always be there when you need him

We don't always get along
but I know that I have my siblings behind me
when something goes wrong
we may not all be related by blood
but I would burn down the world for them

how am I supposed to stop myself
from becoming you
if I hear you in my words
see you in my actions
if I still feel your hand on me
and am haunted by you in my mind

dark summer rides on a bus full of girls
still high on a challenging victory
music blasting full volume
girls singing their lungs out
discarded fast food and milkshakes tossed about haphazardly
pulling the window down to stick my head out
into the starry, warm summer air
feeling the cooling breeze whipping my hair behind me
my girls, my team behind me singing
forgetting that that girl hates her, and this group doesn't get along
with this one
because on nights like those, after a hard earned win
we were a team, we were one
everybody is laughing and sharing drama
composing break up notes to toxic online boyfriends
singing to Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift
videoing each other rapping ice spice
stomachs full of junk food
hearts full of happiness
laughing about what a bad driver our coach was
creating new inside jokes and new friends
on nights like those
I was free

I don't know what makes a person good or bad.
are people both good AND bad?
Like my mother...
on the outside, she's one of the kindest people you'll meet.
She's friendly
She'll give you compliments, money, a place to sleep, the shirt off her back
She gives bananas to homeless people on the side of the road
for crying out loud
she adopted a houseful of children no one wanted
but on the inside, in the safety of her home
she treats them badly
and she's not the type of person to shy away from violence
if she's mad
she'll say mean things about people behind their backs
about our older siblings, right in front of us
and about our friends
she manipulates and berates us
but she's kind and generous to strangers
is it just us that makes her bad?
is she good?
or bad?
what MAKES a person bad?
Or good??
good or bad?

the best flowers stems are coated in thorns
perhaps to prevent people from breaking them again
or maybe to warn people away, let them know they'll get hurt
but only the true will pick them anyway
and carefully brush away the thorns
no matter the pain that caused them
so just wait for the one who will take your thorns
and allow them to pierce into their own skin

why not instead of stacking red
cuts up on your arm and leg
you stack words in bleeding ink
words to live by, to make you think
press the pen tip to your skin
and do not lift up the sharp thing ever again

I love taking photos
snap
a memory captured in time forever
angling for the best shot
picking a perfect setting
stealing a shot of the full moon
bathing the mountain in its wondrous glow
bringing out the blue in his eyes
the blonde in her hair, the small freckles dotting their nose
from the many hours spent in the kissing sun
spying a perfect picture
of autumn leaves and barren trees
seeing details painted with a thin bristled brush
creating silhouettes of nature and people with nothing but a lens
and hitting the pause button
to remember it forever

I hate having good days
because it means bad months are sure to follow

my dreams are often twisted reality
a distorted version of real events
and sometimes predictions of future events
that later give me deja vu
but sometimes they are whispered secrets
of things I didn't know happened, or things
I didn't know I wanted
I never remember them, except in small snatches the morning after
but the nightmares resonate, every second after
and they are always always always my reality

makeup is an addiction
you get addicted to the way it makes you look
the way it makes you feel
and just like a drug your brain gets used to having it
and whenever it is gone there are whispers
Ugly...ugly...you need me...
until you relent
to the drug that is makeup