You see her eyes drooping
Fluttering shut, struggling open
Lack of attention to your class
You ask if she wants kicked out
Her spoken answer was simply
i really don't give a ****
But inside her mind she's thinking
I didn't get to bed till 2 last night
I'm withdrawing from my meds
Because I'm short this month
Due to mother helping herself
I woke up screaming an hour and a half ago
From nightmares you can't even imagine
Nightmares that are memories,
My worst moments relived,
So send me where you wish
I simply can't find a **** to give
I'm not even sure I want to live
I'm tired of the hole I've dug
Falling into it again and again
I've lost the energy needed to climb
Up even the gentlest incline

you are still the one i love.
it has been forever since i could tell you
i havent seen you, or heard from you
i thought you said still friends?

but you are not here.
even though im still waiting for you
what the hell should i do?
ive tried to just shut off these ideas

but im still sitting here.
lost in thoughts you
that perfect hair i want my fingers through
and those lips, ill never forget

theyve probably found some other girls mouth
i wonder if she loves you like i do
if she loves your hair too
i wonder if she will be able to move on.

or will she be stuck too?

Isolation
No school
No internet
No friends and limited family
No contact with the outside world.

No one for me to tell.
No one to help me
No one to see
The bruises on me

And knowing this
Mother is not as hesitant
To leave new patterns
Of black and blue
And shades of green.

Our country is amazing, isn't it?
Everyone I know says so, so it must be so!
The massive crowds with flag pants
Decked out in red white and blue
A country for the masses!
A country for the massive
Beloved lady liberty!
Would be nice if she could marry lady justice
And all our wonderful freedoms!
The freedom to say what you want!
As long as it doesn't threaten others
And, oh no, don't tell them that!
You have to be nice...
The freedom of religion!
Were doing pretty good on that
There's only seven states that ban atheists from government office
The right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness!
Holy ****, have we forgotten slavery?
Have we forgotten that this country was built on suffering?
We have that lovely looking blanket of paper
That makes us sound so noble
But go deep enough in the south
And just take a moment to listen
Racism is still strong, we're still not open minded
We're a country made for the deceiving
And filled with the deceived  
And let's take a moment to zoom in
At first you'll see our glory
All these beautiful cities
Buildings made into art
All our silver lining
But scratch the surface just a little
Were in debt up to our necks
And not just the country, individuals too
Paying off those student loans
Relying on social security
And being let down repeatedly
Even with that fancy four year degree
Can't find a job in today's economy
Dig deeper and you'll find the slums
This is our thickest layer
Drug addicts, petty thefts, prostitutes
Dealers, suppliers, a whole network
Trace it back and you'll find some connections
To our higher up, upperclass, upstanding citizens

The first stage of grief is denial.
I don't know the others well
I never seem to get past that first one.
I tell myself that I don't care
I deny my own feelings
And never seem to get past that
"I don't mourn a stranger,
It doesn't bother me
I never knew him"

now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my soul to keep
She kneels quietly on the ground
Precious youth and innocence abound
Sweet, tame, ignorant child
One day soon your thoughts will go wild
You'll start to question your beliefs
And answers won't bring any reliefs
Don't worry little child, don't fret
You're not ready for that quite yet
But eventually you'll see with those eyes
Most of what they tell you is lies
It's a great awakening
When knowledge is there for the taking
Take many lessons from history
As they're the true stories
Learn every last tidbit that you can
But never forget the values taught back then
No matter what path you choose
These values you must never loose
and if I die before I wake
I pray the lord my soul to take

Twisted spirits
Mangled corpses
Cities of cemeteries
Limping, walking
Darting about
Power filled or
Completely burned out
This is the realm of the otherworld
This is where you want me to travel
This is where you want to go
Because you want to see it for yourself
But I've been here before
I know what it's like
Sure there's attractions
There's some nice places too
But you want to wander in the dark
Looking for a solution
To someone else's mistake
And you need me to help
You want to tap into my power
I've earned this,
I've put the work in
I've taken the risks
To gain my energy
You're asking me to call debts in
To ensure the safety of our group
Of our coven
Our circle
I know you'll do it anyway,
With or without me
I guess I'll be your safe guard

well. it is now tomorrow.
I guess I should get up and
go do nothing somewhere else
besides my warm comfortable bed

I woke up on a high
Looking forward to the day
As much as a morning-hating person can anyway

I ended on a low
Half dead and thrown away
Wondering if I really want to live another day

Oh, so you're engaged now?
To him I suppose.
Weddings in two weeks
I guess I'll be there.
Sure I'll wear a dress.
But it will be black.
We have all told you
To do what best for you
And we meant leave him.
I'll wear this same dress
To your funeral

who needs sleep?
i can stay up all night i guess
not like i actually wanted to sleep
or have a peaceful night
without you running through my head
in a tireless loop of
"i love you"
and
"i dont think i can do this anymore"
i mean, sleep is overated anyway.
id rather stay up all night and
do things completely unrelated
to how you betrayed me
in an failed attemp to forget those words
"i never want to see you hurt"
and
"i will always be yours"
i can sleep tomorrow.
when im so exhausted that
i cant think of you at all.

A mothers silent tears drip
As a father tries to remain stoic
A miniature coffin lowered
Into cold, hardened ground
A white teddy bear left
On a slab of grey stone
With a chiseled name
And a few harsh numbers
1996-2001

A young wife weeps
With a child in her arms
Rifles fire in a salute
Into the dismal sky
Flowers are left,
And pictures of his newborn
That he never got to meet
The wife is told
we thank you for your sacrifice

Silence reigns
Over the mass grave
Of mangled remains
Victims of religious hate
Hundreds of children dead
For what their parents believed
Somewhere someone is crying
As the soldiers say
thank god that group is gone today

A young girl screams,
Seeing her mothers pale tone
And the tub of red water
needles littering the floor
A ***** family secrete
Finally comes to a peak
She grabs for the phone
Fumbles over numbers
*911, what's your emergency?

She was a concrete angel
In a darkened valley
And he, was the freezing rain
Seeping into her smallest pores
Before freezing, expanding
Breaking her at the seems
Bits of stone, falling away
Shattering at her feet,
Rolling deeper into the valley
She watched them fall,
Saddened by their decent
Continuously eroded away
As he poured over her  
Never ceasing, never warming
She shrinks into her stone tomb
Encased in the safety of her angel shell
Away from the freezing cold
His constant pitter patter
Raindrops echoing around her
Slowly, slowly, it becomes comforting
Slowly, slowly, he begins to feel her warmth
Slowly, slowly, the stone chips away
Slowly, slowly, they are exposed to eachother
For the first time, she sees the sunlight
Beyond her stone tomb
But he? he never warmed
And she? She was still left out in the cold
Remembering the safety of her concrete shell
And the constant sound of the pitter patter
From before, when she thought he would warm

We don't always get what we want
Life just doesn't work that way,
It's fair in it's unfairness to everyone
Favoring none over the other
Rejecting and damaging us all
In some unique way
We don't always get what we want
People are ******* *******,
We're generally self serving
Generally selfish beings
Trying to take what we want
Without care for what they want
We don't always get what we want
So stop asking me about **** you want done
You want to see my progress I haven't made
But, unfortunately for us all
We don't always get what we want

My nails dig into my skin
As you tell me about how done you are
You say you're done doing everything for us,
Of going above and beyond.

I press harder into my skin,
As you tell me your don being nice
And that you no longer care.

I can feel my skin tear,
As I blinks away tears
That you never even see,
I block your voice from my ears.

A you drone on,
With your hateful words,
I simply stand and stare,
Into the distance, somewhere, not here.

I dimly hear muffled phrases
i hate having children...
Disrespectful little brats...
Stupid things can't do anything right...

As I feel my blood begin to flow,
I turn around and walk away,
Not even saying a word, not turning to see what you threw at me
I quietly shut your door, and walk away.

I stumble to my room,
Tears blurring my view
I lock myself in here,
Safely tucked away.

"What's that from?"
Oh, I um, fell...

"You fell?"
Ya, you know me
Such a clutz

"And you happened to fall,
On something hand shaped?"
Ya. What a coincidence right?

Say what you will, I'll get a chuckle
Call me a *****,
What a bore
Seriously can't come up with anything better?
Tell me something I don't know, please
I prefer rumors about me that I've never heard
Get inventive! Have some fun!
Cause All can think when you call me a ***** is
Ya I know, it's amazing really
Quite fun, you should try it!
Please, don't be so silly
I'm only a ***** occasionally
With certain people
Two or three. No wait four.
Honestly, you should try it
Maybe then you wouldn't be so ******
Don't be so judgmental honey,
I'm a *****, you're a *****
Hey, to each their own
The only difference between me and you
Is I don't fake relationships
He's not my boyfriend,
That's kinda the point,
But there's nothing I've done that you don't do
Just a different title for the man were with
That's all it is, sweetie pie,
A matter of names
And I have no concern
For what you seem to think I am

I'm feeling used
And discarded
Like a little confetti popper
You expertly pulled that string
And got that brief explosion
Of bright pretty colors
And then tossed me away
Like you've done with so many other
Little plastic confetti poppers
Maybe I'm special to you
I still let myself hope
I take your explanations
Tuck them away in my head
Little grains of comfort
In a sea of discontent

Anxiously awaiting
Hands practically shaking
For that simple notification of
"you have a new message"
And Im checking again
Even though I know nothing's there
Still hasn't responded, yet
It was a simple, harmless question
And yet, so very important

Wandering the catacombs of my mind
With only a bit of red-tinged light
Unlit candle and flint in shaky hands
Dreading what I could see if it was bright

Dreading the monsters and bones I would find
The awful things that would be in sight
The skeletons of all my memories
The things that would paralyze me with fright

This fear is embedded deep in my mind
The fear of re-living life in full light
It's a miserable existence at best
To be afraid of my own inner light

My body is tired, this maze is not kind
There's places I could fall, from a great height
Clumsy feet, eyes drooping from lack of sleep
Nothing's more relaxing than red-tinged light

I can feel them waiting, the spirit-kind
Waiting to see if I deny the light
Or if I accept the pain it would bring
Do I choose to die, or live in fright?

The incessant clock ticking
Is driving me out of my mind
Waiting for that bell to chime
Counting the seconds until 9:39
Knowing it's just one part of the day
A little section of time put away
Wondering why the **** I bothered to get up
Why my breathing refuses to stop
And why, ******* it, does my heart still beat?
It's annoying really, the constant thump-thump
Of blood being pushed through my worthless body
I wish it would all just stop
I'm over this whole living thing
Getting up at 6:30 just to waste away
These long as ****, pointless days
I close my eyes for just a second
Trying to rest my overworked mind
And there's another ******* minion
So called authority figure
Tapping at my ******* shoulder
Won't let me ******* be
They're too blind to see
That I'm already dying.
And starting to rot away

Mommys a glorified ******
With her 50 some year old married boyfriend
Favorite aunt is a stripper
Used to walk in on her shows
Daddy's a drug pusher
Gave me my fist high at 12
Granny's a kleptomaniac
Must be where I get it from
And it don't stop there
The show goes on
Drug addicts galore
To add plenty of drama
Then there's the snitch branch
Well to do Christians
My biological grandfather
Who says 14 is too old for his tastes
Plenty of violence
To keep things perked up
And everyone on their toes
Welcome, my friends, to the freak show.

Granny's out drinking
Papas already in bed
And where am I?
Sitting here, sober
Thinking of someone
Halfway around the world
That I just recently met
That ill never forget
Even if I wanted to
There he would sit
In the back of mind
Impossible not to find

What does the rain sound like?
Sometimes if it's quiet in the house
I can just hear a faint
Drumming on my ceiling
During the worst storms.
But I want to hear the quiet of a spring shower
Warm soft sprinkles of rain
Not just the thunderstorms
What does a cats a purr sound like?
I can feel it's soft vibrations
Under the soft, silky fur
But the sound has never
Not once been interpreted by my ears
What does my lovers breath sound like?
As I feel it tickle my skin
And see his chest moving so slightly in sleep
What do footsteps sound like?
Sometimes I can feel them
The vibrations on the floor
The indicators of coming and going
What do these little things
Little bits of life sound like?

what happened to my little girl?
With piggytails, and sweet dreams?*

Why ever are you asking me?
I'm clearly not her
I'm much older and wiser then she
I lost the innocence needed for piggytails
And I scream at night
repeatedly violated in my dreams
Too many memories in my damaged self
To even imitate the young, innocent me
Damaged by you, and him, and even myself
Razor blades and ropes and that lovely smoke
Burning the sweet innocence out of me
If you find her though, can you give her a message?
Tell her to stay the hell away from me
Innocence now would only turn to guilt

i guess my sub-conscious
had a masochistic moment
because it decided to google your name
I don't know who she was
but I hate her.

Why do we fall in love?
it is believed that when humans were first created,
We were two body's fused together
With two heads, four arms and four legs
But only one heart,
The mighty Zeus feared our potential
And split us all in two,
Dooming us to spend eternity searching
For our other half
Then why does love hurt so much?
*because child, sometimes, the love god Eros,
Well, he doesn't have the best aim
And that ***** everything up

Authority figures will be the end of me.
They seem to think they can control me.
I can't even control myself,
Why do they think they can do it for me?

I wonder if they realize that it's their constant pressure
That's making me uncontrollable.
The stress of it makes me not able to function,
And it makes me crack into pieces,

These pieces fall uncontrollably
While I'm trying to pick them up
I frantically grab for them,
Moving too quickly, making more fall

And I have them always pushing me,
Never ending they poke and ****
And try to make me move quicker,
Not caring if they fall.

I carefully try to balance the pieces of me,
As I try to accomplish what they want done,
I scurry around trying to find what they want found
As pieces slip through my fingers,
I can't stop to pick them up

And realizing my endless task,
The impossibility of ever collecting them all
Or getting all these meaningless tasks done,
I give up. I sit down, and clutch what I've still got,
And try to stay as still as possible,  
In hopes that if I stay still enough, no more will fall.

I'm set to self-destruct
It's a dark compulsion
Deep under my skin
Buried in my soul

A compulsion
tempting fate
Through razors
And fire

And I am wondering
If he'll
Notice

On time
To save me

I'm alone, another night
Not another soul in sight
My attempts to reach out
Ignored by you and those around
These nights are growing
And there's cold things abound
And what I want can't be found
I want a warm somebody
As the snow falls to the ground
Really, just anybody
Here to hold or be held
But instead, there's nobody
Just the trio of these winter nights
Me, misery, and loneliness
Always to be found

You don't listen to Floyd
So you wouldn't understand that
Wish you was here being our song
Is not really a good thing
But it describes us perfectly
I know, I've listened to it obsessively
Because it reminds me of you
And me, and what we could be
Would be, if we take that leap

Have you ever been to wonderland?
You tumble down a rabbit hole
Feels like it takes forever to fall
And then you hit the soft ground
There's wonders abound
All waiting to be found
Talking flowers, a friendly door mouse
Would you like some tea?
You can meet a caterpillar
He'll teach you the wonders of mushrooms
Here's a hint, try a nibble
Your head will be up in the clouds
Having a conversation with a mama bird
Who mistakes you for a snake
And you can listen to tales of woo
Of a poor old tortoise
But be careful of the queen!
Oh dear, she's quite mean
Ruling over the ones in her domain
It's wonder how any of them remain
As she frequently calls her executioner
If you're lucky you can travel wonderland for awhile
You might even be able to go peacefully
But if she finds you, be prepared
Because she'll never let you leave
But don't worry my dear, you'll be here with me
We can frolic in the flower gardens
All the while still sipping tea
And we can fall into the mushroom beds
Falling, falling into the mushroom beds
Where I will fall into your arms
And we can be there for a couple hours wondering
Pondering where our clothes have gone

The worst part of school
Isn't the homework or waking up early
Or the long tedious hours of nothing
No, it's not the buggy teachers
It's not how every kid thinks they should
Bathe in their ******* cologne
(Though that's a close second)
No, the very worst part of school is
Walking past someone you hate
And having to fight the urge
To push their pretty little face
Into those bright red lockers

It takes effort to write anymore
About anything other than you
And to be quite honest dear,
I ******* hate it.

I hate not being able to have thoughts
That don't center on you
I feel like I'm losing myself
Abandoning myself to you
You infiltrated my body first
And now my mind
Next is my heart,
If you can get past those walls
And the worst part is?
You don't even know it
You have gotten to me with little effort
You want nothing more than my body
And friendship, companionship
When you're in town

You can lie to yourself all you want
You can lie me too, but
It doesn't change the truth
And mommy dear, I know it,
I know what you do,
I know you don't have any control
No you don't, not anymore

You can lie to yourself all you want
But it doesn't change a thing
And mother dearest?
It does affect me
When your so high that
You can't keep your eyes open
And your wits about you
Long enough for me to ask a question

You can lie to yourself all you want
In the end it's all the same
You lost control,
You've lost the battle
With your false savior
You've left me here
Playing mommy dear with my siblings
While your off with a man named john

You can lie to yourself all you want
It's your choice to make,
Just realize, it does affect me
It does affect our struggling relationship
And the more you deny it
The more you ignore it
The worse it's going to get

You can lie to yourself all you want
But someday you'll realize it has never helped
You're going to have to face the truth
And the longer you put it off,
The longer you keep falling
The harder you're going to hit
When you get to rock bottom.