I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry I wasn’t there for you
I’m Sorry I didn’t care
I’m Sorry I pushed you away
I’m Sorry I listened to them
I’m Sorry I left you

I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry, I’m Sorry

I’m Sorry I had you do it alone
I’m Sorry I made you hurt
I’m Sorry I couldn’t help you through
I’m Sorry I made you stop sharing
I’m Sorry I am the way I am

I’m Sorry, Sorry, Sorry

You are the happy friend.
You seek compliments but you don’t believe them.
You can’t be the messed up friend because they have it worse.
You can’t compare because they won’t see it as bad as it is.
You are the happy friend.
You are the funny friend.
You are the safe friend.
You let them vent, you let them share.
You take the burden so they don’t have to. You carry their weight-
adding to yours.
You don’t let them see.
They check in with you but you know you can’t say anything.
You can’t trust them with your feelings. They don’t need more on their plate.
They can’t handle it, but you can.
You can’t be delicate.
You can’t be hurt.
You are unbothered.
Because you are the happy friend.

What is truly love?
A bold show of affection?
Or pure emotion?

Sometimes I stop eating,
just to see if they’ll notice.
Food becomes disgusting-
A horrible punishment,
A twisting of my mind and stomach.

I don’t hate food
I know I need it
Yet I still throw it away,
Hide the meal I never ate

Would they care?
If they saw the untouched plate?

I tell myself I’ll eat tomorrow.
I told myself that yesterday.

I know this isn’t kindness,
to myself.
I know this isn’t strength
It’s just a call for help.

Some days,
I just want someone to notice.
Notice what’s happening.
Notice me.

My broken heart burns
Memories infiltrating
The hardest to heal

The monster used to be under the bed-
Now it hides in the mirror.
The glass is intact,
But it cuts deeper than anything.

Chapstick used to be the only cosmetic you owned-
Now makeup covers your face.
Meant to hide a million imperfections,
Ones only you can see

Drawings used to be on the paper-
Now they are all over your wrists.
Made not with crayons, but with a knife.
A way to feel, to hurt.

Dessert used to be a reward after dinner,
Now it disgusts you.
A punishment,
Causing horrible thoughts to boil over.

The monster follows you,
Out of the mirror-
Every day,
In your mind.

Inescapable.

life is a tree-
it grows,
grows,
grows,
but then it falls
or breaks
or splinters into a million pieces
those million pieces are salvageable,
sometimes.
when they aren’t they rot,
rot,
rot
a rock hits the tree
and the bark falls away,
leaving the tree bare and unprotected
the weather and the world fight to pull it down
the tree stands tall,
sometimes.
when it doesn’t it will rot,
rot,
rot
broken and battered-
splintered

A weighted question.
A right answer,
And a true answer.

I would say-
I’m doing great.
I have friends and family.
I have a home.
I have security.

But honestly?
I’m doing horrible.

My mind creates demons-
Ones I can’t face, even in daylight.

The simple joys of childhood are no more.
My friends are fading.
My family hurts me-
Words slicing deep into my heart.

I have a broken home.
Only half my family ever there.

I feel alone.
I feel scared.
The allure of death
Waits at every corner.

Life is desolate.
My heart, my brain, my soul-
They just can’t take it anymore.

But I will never answer honestly.
“I’m doing great”

Yesterday - a funny word
Holding so much meaning,
Impact.

Sometimes yesterday lingers,
Following me home after dark.

I don’t want to feel like that again-
The heart breaking,
Gut wrenching,
Want to die.
Death,
So close yet so far away.
Almost scary,
Or…
Relief.

But here I am again.
The next day.
Waking from a horrible nightmare,
A cruel trick of the mind.

I sit in silence,
Though my thoughts scream loud
It’s not peace - it’s  exhaustion.

Will it pass?
Maybe tomorrow.

They tell me tomorrow holds promises,
But I don’t see them.
I don’t believe in miracles,
But I might believe in maybe.

I didn’t want tomorrow,
But I opened my eyes.
They call it trying-
I call it surviving.

Another sunrise I didn’t ask for,
Another breath I didn’t choose,
Same ache,
But different.

Because I’m still here

She isolated me
Left me completely alone
With no one to help me,
Through the tough years

I gave and I gave
With nothing in return.
She made me abandon the ones I loved
I hurt them for her
I left them out,
Feeling proud,
As I watched them walk away

I never saw it then,
The toxicity
Seeping into my every thought
I called it loyalty,
Poor innocent me

She never gave me all her attention
I sought it out, craving it.
Honestly,
My stupidest mistake

100 percent effort
100 percent of the time
100 for all my grades
100 hours of work
100 times I was the best
Perfection.
100 percent depression
100 percent of the time
100 nights I didn’t sleep
100 hours of crying
100 masks I wear every day
Perfection?
100 percent expectation
100 percent on display
100 forced smiles
100 ways I hide the pain
100 versions of myself
Perfection…

When they talk
It’s an inside joke
“You wouldn’t understand”
They say while they giggle together
When you ask to hang out
There’s an excuse
“Sorry I’m busy”
They say while you watch them together
When they talk about a group chat
But you aren’t on it
“We must have forgotten”
They say while they keep texting each other
When they bring up memories
But you weren’t a part of them
“You must have been sick”
They say while they plan to hang out again without you
When they forget your birthday
But they’ve planned presents for each other’s
“I’ll bring your present tomorrow”
They say while they haven’t thought once about it
You are forgotten
You are left out
You are always the second choice-
death by a thousand dismissals

A compliment,
Or a jab-
Slowly,
Tearing my mind.

Good thoughts,
Stripped away,
Replaced with
Horrible ideas
Of how my body should look.

The mirror becomes a threat.
Words like hourglass,
Skinny and thin-
Swirl and boil in my head.

Obsession,
How could I?
Look like them?

The rush slices me open-
Spills my guts

Working out in my room
Starving myself
For the summer ***
That never felt like mine