The saddest part
Is I have no one to blame
No one to be mad at
Because my only clear enemy
Is myself
My thoughts
They hold me hostage,
They conjure up things
I so naively believe
They drag me onto the battlefield
Against a reflection of myself,
My negative thoughts.
My opponent attacks me with words
She viciously convinces me
Who I am is a waste
And I attempt to fight back,
But I’m powerless
How do you defeat your mind?
She continues to attack,
Calling the razor to kiss my skin fiercely,
Until it is I guiding it
And I am defeated
I know this is what she wanted
And I’m sorry
I have not only lost the battle,
I’m so tired of fighting,
I’ve lost the war
I’ve lost to myself
I’ve lost myself
But in this moment
I am noting
I feel nothing
But the all too familiar
Emptiness
And the longing
To end it all

I don’t sleep.
No I’m not an insomniac,
But when I sleep I dream
And when I dream, I dream of you
And how you’re somewhere,
Dreaming of her
What you don’t understand,
Is I love you more than she ever will
And I find myself constantly comparing myself to her,
Asking myself,
Wishing I could ask you,
Why I’m not good enough.
The voice in my head tells me it’s because she’s
Prettier
Skinnier
Funnier
Smarter
Happier
Better
That I’m worthless
Ugly
Fat
Stupid
Depressed
A freak
That no one will ever love me,
But honestly,
Who could love a monster like me?
You’re the only one who can make me feel like nothing else matters
You make me happy,
And though it’s wrong,
You’re the drug that gets me through
Or so I thought.
Because sitting here crying,
Wishing I was dead,
You seem more like a poison killing me slowly
But I wish you wouldn’t be so selfish
Just **** me already
Or I could let the pills do their job and take away my pain forever
But I don’t regret not saying anything.
My mistake was thinking you actually liked me
Your mistake was falling for the wrong girl
But it’s okay
Because within minutes I’ll be gone
Into a sweet
Everlasting sleep.

Love.
A hope so Naïve it is commonly perceived
As fiction
How cool would it be to be,
The fictional characters we see
In books and movies-
Always a happy ending, no wasting or even spending any time on the negative thoughts.
But that’s not real.
In the real world, people **** and lie
Saying things we can deny but never do;
“You’re fat”
“You’re ugly”
Soon we forget what’s real and what’s fake,
We confuse incompetence with our own miserable fate,
How will I end up?
I give advice but never know what to do,
I hope and I pray but know it’s never going to be the same
Or be okay,
Time goes by, conjuring up conversations in my head,
Regretting things that were never said….Should I have said something?
Some people think life is a game.
Others spend their whole lives trying to find who’s to blame,
But never take any responsibility for the mistakes they have made,
Spending lonely nights behind closed doors
Meaningless flower petals litter the floor as you ask yourself,
Does he love me?
Of course not
Does she love me?
Does he love me?
Am I loved?
Questions so frequently asked,
The true meaning of love sits in the past,
Thrown into the air
As if nobody cares
That it’s gone…

~Julianna W.