Mariah

Apr 16

Robert Frost

The rose is a rose,
And was always a rose.
But the theory now goes
That the apple’s a rose,
And the pear is, and so’s
The plum, I suppose.
The dear only knows
What will next prove a rose.
You, of course, are a rose—
But were always a rose.

Apr 16

Robert Frost

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound’s the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Apr 16

Emily Dickinson

There is a solitude of space

1695

There is a solitude of space
A solitude of sea
A solitude of death, but these
Society shall be
Compared with that profounder site
That polar privacy
A soul admitted to itself—
Finite infinity.

Apr 16

Emily Dickinson

The saddest noise, the sweetest noise

1764

The saddest noise, the sweetest noise,
  The maddest noise that grows,—
The birds, they make it in the spring,
  At night’s delicious close.

Between the March and April line—
  That magical frontier
Beyond which summer hesitates,
  Almost too heavenly near.

It makes us think of all the dead
  That sauntered with us here,
By separation’s sorcery
  Made cruelly more dear.

It makes us think of what we had,
  And what we now deplore.
We almost wish those siren throats
  Would go and sing no more.

An ear can break a human heart
  As quickly as a spear,
We wish the ear had not a heart
  So dangerously near.

Mariah Apr 15

Kaleidoscope

"All this really is so silly.
You don't need to cry,
you're a big girl"

When really all Im hearing
Is how you think I should deal
With the world
You can't tell it's persevering
It's how I choose to heal
From the chaos its unfurled

As if it's only suffering
You've only known one part
You cannot see the peace it brings
It humbles my bleeding heart

The sun will start to reach me soon
Every time I go outside
It's radiation turns me into
Someone new and I
Will wonder why
I stayed inside my room

But just like you can't feel the warmth
If you have never felt the cold
You cannot learn to love yourself
If you choose not to see the old

The habits, the regret
The sadness, the unrest
It walks hand in hand with the
Moments at their best

The laughter, the worth
The rotting beauty of the earth
It's alive and then it dies
It cycles with intent
It doesn't bother with goodbyes
Just like the night and sky
It knows what it's death will represent

I can't ride through that meadow
Without coming out with pedals on my bike
Just like I'm never clean
I'm covered in the residue of my life

And even though I cry
It's meaning is never lost on me
It's about how hard I try
To face the worst and still believe
There will be another time
I know what all the struggle means
It isn't just a knife

The sun will shine
The rain will pour
I will certainly cry once more
In a life that's truly mine

It's not about defeat
It's not about demise
It's not about trying to compete
It's all about surprise
The shock and awe
To find yourself alive

After all we've suffered
After all we bled
To hope we can recover
That this is not the end

If one day
You finally understand
Who I was and who I am
You might know why I would cry
And possibly join in next time

On that day is hope
That you can call and tell me
If it is really all that silly
How I choose to cope

It isn't black and white to me
Can't you see
That I believe
Life is a kaleidoscope
Reds and greens of suffering
Blue tones of hope
Coloide inside
A cinemascope

The light that shines
Can be so bright
It blinds sometimes
And all I can do is cry

The suffering is the best part. It helps me see the worth.

#meaning #chaotic #misunderstood #strength #worth #soft #strong #coping #perseverance #bpd

Mariah Apr 15

Calling home

I want you to know
Why I don't call home

I wish I could express
But you'd rather I digest

You'll stop me every time
From saying what's on my mind

The worst part of that
You're happy with the fact

"No need to explain,
Just eat this cellophane!"

The silence on my end
The concert you regularly attend

The sweet sound of gone
Born from the shame you brought on

On purpose, by choice
You hate to hear my voice

You reject the things I say
You rather I decay

Didn't matter if they were true
When your perceptions skewed

No love lost
Nothing grows in frost

"Faster, faster, faster!
Die! Die! Die!

Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Don't look me in the eye!"

You suffocated me in time
Just so you could live your life
Without remaining in mine
Hoping
This time I won't survive.

#rejection #bpd #abandonment #resentment #rage #parents #failure #unspoken #neglect #hate

Mariah Apr 15

Bad Egg

Can't you see me?
Can't you see?
How its supposed to be
You had to teach me

A burdensome chore
You chose to ignore
So you left me alone
Wondering why I did so on my own

Now I know nothing
I'm always running
Under the pressure
I'm crumbling

The unformed person
Hiding behind the curtain
Ashamed of being the burden

Now you can't see-
but when you think of me
I'm gone and you're still
Hating me

How I'm ought to be
It isn't clear to me
And I'm sure you'd happily agree
I am lost at sea

You were so headstrong
About knowing all along
I was unworthy and ugly, loud and wrong
Now I suffer
Nowhere to belong

You can no longer tell me to go
This is my home
Piece by piece, blood and bone
I built it on my own

You know of my unbearable pain
Trying to live life your way
And you know I couldn't stay
When you were the one sending me away

I don't want to grow old
With my life feeling cold
All thrown away
Feeling myself decay

Its not my responsibility
Your incivility
Never a child to you,
But a void of hostility

Your high horse far away from me
And I know,
that even though
I can't see you looking down
It is a certainty

Creative were your reasons
To deny the diseases
That plagued our house of stalled seasons
So look away, so you don't need to believe in
The winter that we lived in

Deny, deny, deny
The distance between you and I
Came from you, and your willingness to
Misidentify
"This child is not mine,
It Chooses to defy,
There is Rot inside."
And I can never be satisfied
With your answers when I ask why

"You, you, you-
You chose to do-
Everything bad that happened to you."

How could I
When I was the child in knots
And you were the tie

If I am a Bad Egg-
and I am Rotten -
Then you were the Broken,
Beaten Down fridge that I was in

For my mother.
I never wished it of you, but I will die someday, just like you want me to.
And maybe then, you could finally be proud.
Or at least, you could finally stop haunting me.

#bpd #anger #ptsd #neglect #hate #gaslighting #rage #abandoned #rejection #denial

— The End —