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928 · Mar 2017
Indifference
Kurt Philip Behm Mar 2017
To inflict on tomorrow,
the empty promises of fate

The will to reign indifferent,  
—the devil's cruelest form of hate

(Villanova Pennsylvania: March, 2017)
884 · Nov 2023
Minstrel Sage
Kurt Philip Behm Nov 2023
Were you invited
into Zion
Or have a ticket
in advance
Have the doors
for you reopened
Is your history
fit to chant
The torches glow
in sequence
When you make your
entry plain
A hymn sung by
a minstrel Sage
Your welcoming
—refrain

(1st Book Of Prayers: November, 2023)
857 · Feb 2019
If
Kurt Philip Behm Feb 2019
If
If we were young men,
  if we were strong

If we had fresh words,
  to add to our song

If we were soldiers,
  with war in our veins

If we were poets,
  our voices reclaimed

If we were lovers,
  of women that cried

If we went wandering,
  our heart’s reapplied

If we were statesmen,
  the world in our grasp

If we were sailors,
  the wind at our backs

If we were farmers,
  with meadows so green

If we were actors,
  on stages supreme

If we were hunters,
  new wolf on the prowl

If we were dreamers,
  all wishes allowed

If we were young men,
  still facing the sun

But alas, we are old
  —and darkness has come

(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2016)
Kurt Philip Behm May 2024
Day #4: Cody To Saint Mary’s

After breakfast in the Irma’s great dining hall, I left Cody in the quiet stillness of a Saturday morning. The dream I had last night about Indian summer camps now pointed the way toward things that I could once again understand. If there was another road to rival, or better, the Beartooth Highway, it would be the one that I would ride this morning.

It was 8:45 a.m., and I was headed northwest out of Cody to The Chief Joseph Highway. It is almost impossible to describe this road without having ridden or driven over it at least once. I was the first motorcyclist to ever ride its elevated curves and valleys on its inauguration over ten years ago. It opened that day, also a Saturday, at eight, and I got there two hours early to make sure the flagman would position me at the front of the line. I wanted to be the first to go through while paying homage to the great Nez Perce Chief. I will forever remember the honor of being the first motorist of any kind to have gone up and over this incredible road.

The ascent, over Dead Indian Pass at the summit, reminded me once again that the past is never truly dead if the present is to be alive. The illusion of what was, is, and will be, is captured only in the moment of their present affirmation. The magic is in living within the confirmation of what is.

The Chief Joseph Highway was, and is, the greatest road that I have ever ridden. I have always considered it a great personal gift to me — being the first one to have experienced what cannot fully be described. Ending in either Cooke City or Cody, the choice of direction was yours. The towns were not as different from each other as you would be from your previous self when you arrived at either location at the end of your ride.

It turned severely in both directions, as it rose or descended in elevation, letting you see both ends from almost anywhere you began. It was a road for sure but of all the roads in my history, both present and before, this one was a metaphor to neither the life I had led, nor the life I seek. This road was a metaphor to the life I lead.

A metaphor to the life I lead

It teased you with its false endings, always hiding just one more hairpin as you corrected and violently pulled the bike back to center while leaning as hard as you could to the other side. While footpegs were dragging on both sides of the bike your spirit and vision of yourself had never been so clear. You now realized you were going more than seventy in a turn designed for maximum speeds of forty and below.

To die on this road would make a mockery of life almost anywhere else. To live on this roadcreated a new standard where risk would be essential, and, if you dared, you gambled away all security and previous limits for what it taught.

It was noon as I entered Cooke City again wondering if that same buffalo would be standing at Tower Junction to make sure that I turned right this time, as I headed north toward Glacier National Park. Turning right at Tower Junction would take me past Druid Peak and through the north entrance of Yellowstone at Mammoth Hot Springs and the town of Gardiner Montana. Wyoming and Montana kept trading places as the road would wind and unfold. Neither state wanted to give up to the other the soul of the returning prodigal which in the end neither could win … and neither could ever lose!

From Gardiner, Rt #89 curved and wound its way through the Paradise Valley to Livingston and the great open expanse of Montana beyond. The road, through the lush farmlands of the valley, quieted and settled my spirit, as it allowed me the time to reorient and revalue all the things I had just seen.

I thought about the number of times it almost ended along this road when a deer or elk had crossed my path in either the early morning or evening hours. I continued on both thankful and secure knowing in my heart that when the end finally came, it would not be while riding on two-wheels. It was something that was made known to me in a vision that I had years ago, and an assurance that I took not for granted, as I rode grateful and alone through these magnificent hills.

The ride to Livingston along Montana Rt.# 89 was dotted with rich working farms on both sides of the road. The sun was at its highest as I entered town, and I stopped quickly for gas and some food at the first station I found. There were seven good hours of daylight left, and I still had at least three hundred miles to go.

I was now more than an hour north of Livingston, and the sign that announced White Sulphur Springs brought back memories and a old warning. It flashed my memory back to the doe elk that came up from the creek-bed almost twenty years ago, brushing the rear of the bike and almost causing us to crash. I can still hear my daughter screaming “DAAAD,”as she saw the elk before I did.

I dropped the bike down a gear as I took a long circular look around. As I passed the spot of our near impact on the south side of town, I said a prayer for forgiveness. I asked to be judged kindly by the animals that I loved and to become even more visible to the things I couldn’t see.

The ride through the Lewis and Clark National Forest was beautiful and serene, as two hawks and a lone coyote bade me farewell, and I exited the park through Monarch at its northern end. There were now less than five hours of daylight left, and the East entrance to Glacier National Park at St. Mary’s was still two hundred miles away. An easy ride under most circumstances, but the Northern Rockies were never normal, and their unpredictability was another of the many reasons as to why I loved them so. Cody, and my conflicted feelings while there, seemed only a distant memory. Distant, but connected, like the friends and loved ones I had forgotten to call.

At Dupoyer Montana, I was compelled to stop. Not enticed or persuaded, not called out to or invited — but compelled! A Bar that had existed on the east side of this road, heading north, for as long as anyone could remember, Ranger Jacks, was now closed. I sat for the longest time staring at the weathered and dilapidated board siding and the real estate sign on the old front swinging door that said Commercial Opportunity. My mind harkened back to the first time I stopped into ‘Jacks,’ while heading south from Calgary and Lake Louise. My best friend, Dave Hill, had been with me, and we both sidled up to the bar, which ran down the entire left side of the interior and ordered a beer. Jack just looked at the two of us for the longest time.

It Wasn’t A Look It Was A Stare

Bearded and toothless, he had a stare that encompassed all the hate and vile within it that he held for his customers. His patrons were the locals and also those traveling to and from places unknown to him but never safe from his disgust. He neither liked the place that he was in nor any of those his customers had told him about.

Jack Was An Equal-Opportunity Hater!

He reminded both Dave and I of why we traveled to locations that took us outside and beyond what we already knew. We promised each other, as we walked back to the bike, that no matter how bad life ever got we would never turn out to be like him. Jack was both a repudiation of the past and a denial of the future with the way he constantly refused to live in the moment. He was physically and spiritually everything we were trying to escape. He did however continue to die in the moment, and it was a death he performed in front of his customers … over, and over, and over again.

As I sat on the bike, staring at the closed bar, a woman and her daughter got out of a car with Texas license plates. The mother smiled as she watched me taking one last look and said: “Are you going to buy it, it’s for sale you know?” I said “no, but I had been in it many times when it was still open.” She said: “That must have been a real experience” as she walked back to her car. It was a real experience back then for sure, and one that she, or any other accidental tourist headed north or south on Rt. #89, will never know. I will probably never regret going in there again, but I feel fortunate that I had the chance to do it those many times before.

Who Am I Kidding, I’d Do It Again In A Heartbeat

I would never pass through Dupoyer Montana, the town where Lewis and Clark had their only hostile encounter (Two Medicine Fight) with Indians, without stopping at Ranger Jacksfor a beer. It was one of those windows into the beyond that are found in the most unlikely of places, and I was profoundly changed every time that I walked in, and then out of, his crumbling front door. Jack never said hello or bid you goodbye. He just stared at you as something that offended him, and when you looked back at his dead and bloodshot eyes, and for reasons still unexplained, you felt instantly free.

In The Strangest And Clearest Of Ways … I’ll Miss Him

It was a short ride from Dupoyer to East Glacier, as the sun settled behind the Lewis Rangeshowing everything in its half-light as only twilight can. I once again thought of the Blackfeet and how defiant they remained until the very end. Being this far North, they had the least contact with white men, and were dominant against the other tribes because of their access to Canadian guns. When they learned that the U.S. Government proposed to arm their mortal enemies, the Shoshones and the Nez Perce, their animosity for all white invaders only heightened and strengthened their resolve to fight. I felt the distant heat of their blood as I crossed over Rt. #2 in Browning and said a quick prayer to all that they had seen and to a fury deep within their culture that time could not ****.

It was almost dark, as I rode the extreme curves of Glacier Park Road toward the east entrance from Browning. As I arrived in St Mary’s, I turned left into the Park and found that the gatehouse was still manned. Although being almost 9:00 p.m., the guard was still willing to let me through. She said that the road would remain open all night for its entire fifty-three-mile length, but that there was construction and mud at the very top near Logan Pass.

Construction, no guardrails, the mud and the dark, and over 6600 feet of altitude evoked the Sour Spirit Deity of the Blackfeet to come out of the lake and whisper to me in a voice that the Park guard could not hear “Not tonight Wana Hin Gle. Tonight you must remain with the lesser among us across the lake with the spirit killers — and then tomorrow you may cross.”

Dutifully I listened, because again from inside, I could feel its truth. Wana Hin Gle was the name the Oglala Sioux had given me years before, It means — He Who Happens Now.

In my many years of mountain travel I have crossed both Galena and Beartooth Passes in the dark. Both times, I was lucky to make it through unharmed. I thanked this great and lonesome Spirit who had chosen to protect me tonight and then circled back through the gatehouse and along the east side of the lake to the lodge.

The Desk Clerk Said, NO ROOMS!

As I pulled up in front of the St Mary’s Lodge & Resort, I noticed the parking lot was full. It was not a good sign for one with no reservation and for one who had not planned on staying on this side of the park for the night. The Chinese- American girl behind the desk confirmed what I was fearing most with her words … “Sorry Sir, We’re Full.”

When I asked if she expected any cancellations she emphatically said: “No chance,” and that there were three campers in the parking lot who had inquired before me, all hoping for the same thing. I was now 4th on the priority list for a potential room that might become available. Not likely on this warm summer weekend, and not surprising either, as all around me the tourists scurried in their pursuit of leisure, as tourists normally did.

I looked at the huge lobby with its two TV monitors and oversized leather sofas and chairs. I asked the clerk at the desk if I could spend the night sitting there, reading, and waiting for the sun to come back up. I reminded her that I was on a motorcycle and that it was too dangerous for me to cross Logan Pass in the dark. She said “sure,” and the restaurant stayed open until ten if I had not yet had dinner. “Try the grilled lake trout,” she said, “it’s my favorite for sure. They get them right out of St. Mary’s Lake daily, and you can watch the fishermen pull in their catch from most of our rooms that face the lake.”

I felt obligated to give the hotel some business for allowing me to freeload in their lobby, so off to the restaurant I went. There was a direct access door to the restaurant from the far corner of the main lobby where my gear was, and my waiter (from Detroit) was both terrific and fast. He told me about his depressed flooring business back in Michigan and how, with the economy so weak, he had decided a steady job for the summer was the way to go.

We talked at length about his first impressions of the Northern Rockies and about how much his life had changed since he arrived last month. He had been over the mountain at least seven times and had crossed it in both directions as recently as last night. I asked him, with the road construction, what a night-crossing was currently like? and he responded: “Pretty scary, even in a Jeep.” He then said, “I can’t even imagine crossing over on a motorcycle, in the dark, with no guardrails, and having to navigate through the construction zone for those eight miles just before the top.” I sat for another hour drinking coffee and wondered about what life on top of the Going To The Sun Road must be like at this late hour.

The Lake Trout Had Been More Than Good

After I finished dinner, I walked back into the lobby and found a large comfortable leather chair with a long rustic coffee table in front. Knowing now that I had made the right decision to stay, I pulled the coffee table up close to the chair and stretched my legs out in front. It was now almost midnight, and the only noise that could be heard in the entire hotel was the kitchen staff going home for the night. Within fifteen minutes, I was off to sleep. It had been a long ride from Cody, and I think I was more tired than I wanted to admit. I started these rides in my early twenties. And now forty years later, my memory still tried to accomplish what my body long ago abandoned.

At 2:00 a.m., a security guard came over and nudged my left shoulder. “Mr Behm, we’ve just had a room open up and we could check you in if you’re still interested.” The thought of unpacking the bike in the dark, and for just four hours of sleep in a bed, was of no interest to me at this late hour. I thanked him for his consideration but told him I was fine just where I was. He then said: “Whatever’s best for you sir,” and went on with his rounds.

My dreams that night, were strange, with that almost real quality that happens when the lines between where you have come from and where you are going become blurred. I had visions of Blackfeet women fishing in the lake out back and of their warrior husbands returning with fresh ponies from a raid upon the Nez Perce. The sounds of the conquering braves were so real that they woke me, or was it the early morning kitchen staff beginning their breakfast shift? It was 5:15 a.m., and I knew I would never know for sure — but the difference didn’t matter when the imagery remained the same.

Differences never mattered when the images were the same



Day #5 (A.M.): Glacier To Columbia Falls

As I opened my eyes and looked out from the dark corner of the lobby, I saw CNN on the monitor across the room. The sound had been muted all night, but in the copy running across the bottom of the screen it said: “Less than twenty-four hours until the U.S. defaults.”  For weeks, Congress had been debating on whether or not to raise the debt ceiling and even as remote as it was here in northwestern Montana, I still could not escape the reality of what it meant. I had a quick breakfast of eggs, biscuits, and gravy, before I headed back to the mountain. The guard station at the entrance was unattended, so I vowed to make a twenty-dollar donation to the first charity I came across — I hoped it would be Native American.

I headed west on The Going To The Sun Road and crossed Glacier at dawn. It created a memory on that Sunday morning that will live inside me forever. It was a road that embodied the qualities of all lesser roads, while it stood proudly alone because of where it could take you and the way going there would make you feel. Its standards, in addition to its altitude, were higher than most comfort zones allowed. It wasn’t so much the road itself but where it was. Human belief and ingenuity had built a road over something that before was almost impossible to even walk across. Many times, as you rounded a blind turn on Logan Pass, you experienced the sensation of flying, and you had to look beneath you to make sure that your wheels were still on the ground.

The road climbed into the clouds as I rounded the West side of the lake. It felt more like flying, or being in a jet liner, when combined with the tactile adventure of knowing I was on two-wheels. Being on two-wheels was always my first choice and had been my consummate and life affirming mode of travel since the age of sixteen.

Today would be another one of those ‘it wasn’t possible to happen’ days. But it did, and it happened in a way that even after so many blessed trips like this, I was not ready for. I felt in my soul I would never see a morning like this again, but then I also knew beyond the borders of self-limitation, and from what past experience had taught me, that I absolutely would.

So Many ‘Once In A Lifetime’ Moments Have Been Joyous Repetition

My life has been blessed because I have been given so many of these moments. Unlike anything else that has happened, these life-altering events have spoken to me directly cutting through all learned experience that has tried in vain to keep them out. The beauty of what they have shown is beyond my ability to describe, and the tears running down my face were from knowing that at least during these moments, my vision had been clear.

I knew that times like these were in a very real way a preparation to die. Life’s highest moments often exposed a new awareness for how short life was. Only by looking through these windows, into a world beyond, would we no longer fear death’s approach.

I leaned forward to pat the motorcycle’s tank as we began our ascent. In a strange but no less real way, it was only the bike that truly understood what was about to happen. It had been developed for just this purpose and now would get to perform at its highest level. The fuel Injection, and linked disk brakes, were a real comfort this close to the edge, and I couldn’t have been riding anything better for what I was about to do.

I also couldn’t have been in a better place at this stage of my life in the summer of 2011. Things had been changing very fast during this past year, and I decided to bend to that will rather than to fight what came unwanted and in many ways unknown. I knew that today would provide more answers, highlighting the new questions that I searched for, and the ones on this mountaintop seemed only a promise away.

Glaciers promise!

I thought about the many bear encounters, and attacks, that had happened in both Glacier and Yellowstone during this past summer. As I passed the entry point to Granite Park Chalet, I couldn’t help but think about the tragic deaths of Julie Helgeson and Michelle Koons on that hot August night back in 1967. They both fell prey to the fatality that nature could bring. The vagaries of chance, and a bad camping choice, led to their both being mauled and then killed by the same rogue Grizzly in different sections of the park.

They were warned against camping where they did, but bear attacks had been almost unheard of — so they went ahead. How many times had I decided to risk something, like crossing Beartooth or Galena Pass at night, when I had been warned against it, but still went ahead? How many times had coming so close to the edge brought everything else in my life into clear focus?

1967 Was The Year I Started My Exploration Of The West

The ride down the western side of The Going To the Sun Road was a mystery wrapped inside the eternal magic of this mountain highway in the sky. Even the long line of construction traffic couldn’t dampen my excitement, as I looked off to the South into the great expanse that only the Grand Canyon could rival for sheer majesty. Snow was on the upper half of Mount’s Stimson (10,142 ft.), James (9,575 ft.) and Jackson (10,052), and all progress was slow (20 mph). Out of nowhere, a bicyclist passed me on the extreme outside and exposed edge of the road. I prayed for his safety, as he skirted to within three feet of where the roadended and that other world, that the Blackfeet sing about, began. Its exposed border held no promises and separated all that we knew from what we oftentimes feared the most.

I am sure he understood what crossing Logan Pass meant, no matter the vehicle, and from the look in his eyes I could tell he was in a place that no story of mine would ever tell. He waved quickly as he passed on my left side. I waved back with the universal thumbs-upsign, and in a way that is only understood by those who cross mountains … we were brothers on that day.



Day # 5: (P.M.) Columbia Falls to Salmon Idaho

The turnaround point of the road was always hard. What was all forward and in front of me yesterday was consumed by the thought of returning today. The ride back could take you down the same path, or down a different road, but when your destination was the same place that you started from, your arrival was greeted in some ways with the anti-****** of having been there, and done that, before.

I tried everything I knew to fool my psyche into a renewed phase of discovery. All the while though, there was this knowing that surrounded my thoughts. It contained a reality that was totally hidden within the fantasy of the trip out. It was more honest I reminded myself, and once I made peace with it, the return trip would become even more intriguing than the ride up until now. When you knew you were down to just a few days and counting, each day took on a special reverence that the trip out always seemed to lack.

In truth, the route you planned for your return had more significance than the one before. Where before it was direct and one-dimensional, the return had to cover two destinations — the trip out only had to cover one. The route back also had to match the geography with the timing of what you asked for inside of yourself. The trip out only had to inspire and amuse.

The trip south on Rt.#35 along the east side of Flathead Lake was short but couldn’t be measured by its distance. It was an exquisitely gorgeous stretch of road that took less than an hour to travel but would take more than a lifetime to remember. The ripples that blew eastward across the lake in my direction created the very smallest of whitecaps, as the two cranes that sat in the middle of the lake took off for a destination unknown. I had never seen Flathead Lake from this side before and had always chosen Rt.#93 on the western side for all previous trips South. That trip took you through Elmo and was a ride I thought to be unmatched until I entered Rt.#35 this morning. This truly was the more beautiful ride, and I was thankful for its visual newness. It triggered inside of me my oldest feelings of being so connected, while at the same time, being so alone.

As I connected again with my old friend Rt.# 93, the National Bison Range sat off to my west. The most noble of wild creatures, they were now forced to live in contained wander where before they had covered, by the millions, both our country and our imagination. I thought again about their intrinsic connection to Native America and the perfection that existed within that union.

The path of the Great Bison was also the Indian’s path. The direction they chose was one and the same. It had purpose and reason — as well as the majesty of its promise. It was often unspoken except in the songs before the night of the hunt and in the stories that were told around the fire on the night after. It needed no further explanation. The beauty within its harmony was something that just worked, and words were a poor substitute for a story that only their true connection would tell.

This ‘Road’ Still Contained That Eternal Connection In Now Paved Over Hoofprints Of Dignity Lost

The Bitteroot Range called out to me in my right ear, but there would be no answer today. Today, I would head South through the college town of Missoula toward the Beaverhead Mountains and then Rt.#28 through the Targhee National Forest. I arrived in Missoula in the brightest of sunshine. The temperature was over ninety-degrees as I parked the bike in front of the Missoula Club. A fixture in this college town for many years, the Missoula Club was both a college bar and city landmark. It needed no historic certification to underline its importance. Ask any resident or traveler, past or present, have you been to the Missoula Club? and you’ll viscerally feel their answer. It’s not beloved by everyone … just by those who have always understood that places like this have fallen into the back drawer of America’s history. Often, their memory being all that’s left.

The hamburger was just like I expected, and as I ate at the bar, I limited myself to just one mug of local brew. One beer is all that I allowed myself when riding. I knew that I still had 150 more miles to go, and I was approaching that time of day when the animals came out and crossed the road to drink. In most cases, the roads had been built to follow the rivers, streams, and later railroads, and they acted as an unnatural barrier between the safety of the forest and the water that the animals living there so desperately needed. Their crossing was a nightly ritual and was as certain as the rising of the sun and then the moon. I respected its importance, and I tried to schedule my rides around the danger it often presented — but not today.

After paying the bartender, I took a slow and circuitous ride around town. Missoula was one of those western towns that I could happily live in, and I secretly hoped that before my time ran out that I would. The University of Montana was entrenched solidly and peacefully against the mountain this afternoon as I extended my greeting. It would be on my very short list of schools to teach at if I were ever lucky enough to make choices like that again.

Dying In The Classroom, After Having Lived So Strongly, Had An Appeal Of Transference That I Find Hard To Explain

The historic Wilma Theatre, by the bridge, said adieu as I re-pointed the bike South toward the Idaho border. I thought about the great traveling shows, like Hope and Crosby, that had played here before the Second World War. Embedded in the burgundy fabric of its giant curtain were stories that today few other places could tell. It sat proudly along the banks of the Clark Fork River, its past a time capsule that only the river could tell. Historic theatres have always been a favorite of mine, and like the Missoula Club, the Wilma was another example of past glory that was being replaced by banks, nail salons, and fast-food restaurants almost wherever you looked.

Thankfully, Not In Missoula

Both my spirit and stomach were now full, as I passed through the towns of Hamilton and Darby on my way to Sula at the state line. I was forced to stop at the train crossing in Sulajust past the old and closed Sula High School on the North edge of town. The train was still half a mile away to my East, as I put the kickstand down on the bike and got off for a closer look. The bones of the old school contained stories that had never been told. Over the clanging of the oncoming train, I thought I heard the laughter of teenagers as they rushed through the locked and now darkened halls. Shadowy figures passed by the window over the front door on the second floor, and in the glare of the mid-afternoon sun it appeared that they were waving at me. Was I again the victim of too much anticipation and fresh air or was I just dreaming to myself in broad daylight again?

As I Dreamed In Broad Daylight, I Spat Into The Wind Of Another Time

I waited for twenty-minutes, counting the cars of the mighty Santa Fe Line, as it headed West into the Pacific time zone and the lands where the great Chief Joseph and Nez Perce roamed. The brakeman waved as his car slowly crossed in front of my stopped motorcycle — each of us envying the other for something neither of us truly understood.

The train now gone … a bell signaled it was safe to cross the tracks. I looked to my right one more time and saw the caboose only two hundred yards down the line. Wondering if it was occupied, and if they were looking back at me, I waved one more time. I then flipped my visor down and headed on my way happy for what the train had brought me but sad in what its short presence had taken away.

As I entered the Salmon & Challis National Forest, I was already thinking about Italian food and the great little restaurant within walking distance of my motel. I always spent my nights in Salmon at the Stagecoach Inn. It was on the left side of Rt. #93, just before the bridge, where you made a hard left turn before you entered town. The motel’s main attraction was that it was built right against the Western bank of the Salmon River. I got a room in the back on the ground floor and could see the ducks and ducklings as they walked along the bank. It was only a short walk into town from the front of the motel and less than a half a block going in the other direction for great Italian food.

The motel parking lot was full, with motorcycles, as I arrived, because this was Sturgis Week in South Dakota. As I watched the many groups of clustered riders congregate outside as they cleaned their bikes, I was reminded again of why I rode. I rode to be alone with myself and with the West that had dominated my thoughts and dreams for so many years. I wondered what they saw in their group pilgrimage toward acceptance? I wondered if they ever experienced the feeling of leaving in the morning and truly not knowing where they would end up that night. The Sturgis Rally would attract more than a million riders many of whom hauled their motorcycles thousands of miles behind pickups or in trailers. Most would never experience, because of sheer masquerade and fantasy, what they had originally set out on two-wheels to find.

I Feel Bad For Them As They Wave At Me Through Their Shared Reluctance

They seemed to feel, but not understand, what this one rider alone, and in no hurry to clean his ***** motorcycle, represented. I had always liked the way a touring bike looked when covered with road-dirt. It wore the recognition of its miles like a badge of honor. As it sat faithfully alone in some distant motel parking lot, night after night, it waited in proud silence for its rider to return. I cleaned only the windshield, lights, and turn signals, as I bedded the Goldwing down before I started out for dinner. As I left, I promised her that tomorrow would be even better than today. It was something that I always said to her at night. As she sat there in her glorified patina and watched me walk away, she already knew what tomorrow would bring.

The Veal Marsala was excellent at the tiny restaurant by the motel. It was still not quite seven o’clock, and I decided to take a slow walk through the town. It was summer and the river was quiet, its power deceptive in its passing. I watched three kayakers pass below me as I crossed the bridge and headed East into Salmon. Most everything was closed for the evening except for the few bars and restaurants that lit up the main street of this old river town. It took less than fifteen minutes to complete my visitation, and I found myself re-crossing the bridge and headed back to the motel.

There were now even more motorcycles in the parking lot than before, and I told myself that it had been a stroke of good fortune that I had arrived early. If I had been shut out for a room in Salmon, the chances of getting one in Challis, sixty miles further south, would have been much worse. As small as Salmon was, Challis was much smaller, and in all the years of trying, I had never had much luck there in securing a room.

I knew I would sleep soundly that night, as I listened to the gentle sounds of a now peaceful river running past my open sliding doors. Less than twenty-yards away, I was not at all misled by its tranquility. It cut through the darkness of a Western Idaho Sunday night like Teddy Roosevelt patrolled the great Halls of Congress.

Running Softly, But Carrying Within It A Sleeping Defiance

I had seen its fury in late Spring, as it carried the great waters from on high to the oceans below. I have rafted its white currents in late May and watched a doctor from Kalispell lose his life in its turbulence. In remembrance, I said a short prayer to his departed spirit before drifting off to sleep.
845 · Aug 2018
Distance & Emptiness
Kurt Philip Behm Aug 2018
There is an emptiness
  between Hemingway’s words

A hollow sound
  that slides off the page

The space creates distance
  as the Old Man wanted

From the reader
  and voyeurs of pain

“Distance between himself and the day
   he hauled in that great fish

“Distance from that last great battle
   calling out from beyond his reach

“Distance from the arena, where the
   horns got close but death got closer

“And distance from the many women
   he tried to love and failed”

No matter how far he lived afield,
  be it Paris, Havana, or Ketchum

In no place was there distance enough
  or where his words could be safe

The separation and memory loss
  became deafening and finally too much

As he gave in to the distance
   —one last and final time.

(Villanova Pennsylvania: June, 2016)
845 · Jul 2018
New Heartbeats
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2018
To die without rhythm
  and bleed without rhyme

Each wish left unspoken
  in coupling divine

New heartbeats unwritten
  that call from within

Their cadence restructured
  all verse—now a hymn

(Villanova Pennsylvania: May, 2016 )
835 · Jul 2018
Hearts To Fill
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2018
Love yourself first
  before someone else will

Feelings vested, spirit rhymed
  attraction distilled

Love yourself first
  before someone else will

Your beauty self-reflected
—another’s heart to fill

(Villanova Pennsylvania: July, 2018)
828 · Apr 2017
The Last Bell
Kurt Philip Behm Apr 2017
Senses untamed,
  spaces to reign

Bodies that die,
  spirits to fly

By length or by width,
  time is a myth

Dimension aground,
  essence refound

Eyes looking forward,
  eyes looking back

Eyes looking inward,
  soul reattached

All that was spoken,
  providence sings

Grand sublimation,
—last bell to ring

(Villanova Pennsylvania: April, 2017)
822 · Feb 2021
The Garden Path
Kurt Philip Behm Feb 2021
How do you balance
the kind and the cruel

The good and the bad
of life’s golden rule

As reason pulls tightly,
treason pulls back

Living in conflict,
together intact

Tragic, comedic,
while often as both

Angels and Demons
commingle betrothed

A savior, destroyer,
calling our name

A garden of riches
—caught in the flames

(Haverford College: February, 2021)
818 · Jul 2018
Last Moment To Burn
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2018
Blistering thunder
Cracking asunder
Craters form
High ground being torn
Its ledges are sharp
Concealed in the dark
The rain blows in gales
—ancient prophecy hails

Blistering thunder
Fate pulls you under
Vows you made
Point straight to your grave
Death’s legions await
You fall through its gate
Your last moment burned
—no more chances to learn

(Villanova Pennsylvania: July, 2018)
816 · Jul 2018
Far Better (Blues Poem #18)
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2018
It’s better to let her…
  keep those fancy shoes and bags
  if she comes to bed each night

It’s better to let her…
  have the house worn and ragged
  if the trim stays fresh and light

It’s better to let her…
  whine and constantly bemoan
  if she smells like summer rain

It’s better to let her…
  cash the checks you bring home
   —if she’ll whisper those words again

(Villanova Pennsylvania: July, 2018)
813 · Apr 2017
At Ease And Unfurled
Kurt Philip Behm Apr 2017
Is your pathway to heaven now structured
  with those words that your verse seeks to pray

Is your stairway straight up or diverted,
  with remittance and debts to repay

Is your meaning construed or verbatim,
  with intention set free of this world

Is your love what was given or taken,
—with your heart now at ease and unfurled

(Villanova Pennsylvania: April, 2017)
805 · Mar 2019
Lost Candle Of Time
Kurt Philip Behm Mar 2019
Can time survive in purer form
  devoid of reference
  future—past

Can the present become
  a bible
  for every sage

Like a black hole
  compressing within itself
  imploding front to back

Its enigma leads
  to an eternity dark
    —lost candle to the flame

(Villanova Pennsylvania: March, 2019)
800 · Aug 2016
Through The Keyhole Darkly
Kurt Philip Behm Aug 2016
Through the keyhole darkly,
  he could now remember his name

Through the keyhole darkly,
  his medicine kicked in once again

Through the keyhole darkly,
  he knew his daughter by her face

Through the keyhole darkly,
  he was now back home in his space

Through the keyhole darkly,
  his dog was closely by his side

Through the keyhole darkly,
  his eyes though saddened, opened wide

Through the keyhole darkly,
  her voice unwrapped the precious gift

Through the keyhole darkly,
a love once anchored, set adrift

Through the keyhole darkly,
he felt the light begin to dim

Through the keyhole darkly,
his markers fade, his reference thin

Through the keyhole darkly,
the killer thief arrives once more

Through the keyhole darkly,
—all loss of self and nothing more

(Villanova Pennsylvania: March, 2016)
786 · Jun 2023
Approaching Storm
Kurt Philip Behm Jun 2023
From my new novel, 'Approaching Storm' ...


The winds of war have called again
courage summoned—to befriend
Through evil darkness blowing strong
we face the threatened coming dawn
786 · Aug 2019
That Lonely Road
Kurt Philip Behm Aug 2019
Is your poetry now dusty,
abandoned on the shelf

Have your dreams become dismissive,
do you live for someone else

Is there mold inside your memory box,
questions all long gone

Do you walk that lonely road alone
—your heart to drag along

(Villanova Pennsylvania: March, 2017)
777 · Jun 2019
Half Way To Memphis
Kurt Philip Behm Jun 2019
Wasted broke in Kankakee,
  down from Montreal
I’m half way to Memphis,
  with no one left to call

Guitar strings bust or missing,
  motel clerk at my door
I’m half way to Memphis,
  bathroom window as before

The years have run their distance,
  all memories in default
I’m half way to Memphis,
  the songs all packed in salt

And one last time I’m leaving,
  the highway cold and black
I’m half way to Memphis
   —no way of turning back

(Memphis Tennessee: September, 1991)
772 · Oct 2018
Headstone Forever Blank
Kurt Philip Behm Oct 2018
He died that night
In a cheap motel
In Maryville Tennessee
$35.00 karma mixed with
The smell of curry
Coming from the front office
No one would ever understand
Why he chose to die there
Especially those few
Who claimed to know him well
The gravel parking lot
The towels you could see through
And the lawn chairs inside
For furniture
Made the connection and the
Endless search real
In a way it hadn’t been before
As he sat outside his room
Thinking about the end
The local construction workers
Remembered his name
As they called out to him
At the end of their day
Marking time by a weekly rate
In their rooms just down the hall
They remembered the little things
His own family had forgotten  
Or not so little…

           AND THEN HE DIED
       IN HIS $35.00 MOTEL ROOM

    HIS PASSING A BURIED MEMORY
  AND HEADSTONE FOREVER BLANK

(Newport Tennessee: April, 2013)
770 · Jul 2022
Freebird
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2022
Love entitled
hate defaults
—buying back the time

(Dreamsleep: July, 2022)
765 · Apr 2017
If—Then
Kurt Philip Behm Apr 2017
If Art …
is our connection to the senses

Then Poetry …
  is our connection to the soul

(Villanova Pennsylvania: April, 2017)
745 · Jul 2023
Auto-Pay
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2023
Buying tomorrow
one day at a time
Each moment invested
in freedom sublime
The future remortgaged
all lien holders paid
The past earning interest
—on fortune today

(The New Room: July, 2023)
741 · Nov 2016
Song From The Mountaintop
Kurt Philip Behm Nov 2016
The cry of an eagle floats across a distant peak
  bear tracks visible in the spring thawing snow

Sunlight, spreading its dance upon the land
  the Ponderosa Pine and Aspen all in bloom

The glaciers look down smiling, the higher you climb
  searching for that redemption never offered below

The wolf trails the hare back inside its snowy den
  the road to all new entry having now been cleared

Permission never asked for, granted, as the music starts
  it’s early May in the Rockies—the January of renewal

In a celebration of new life, flowers wrap the landscape like ribbon, tying close the promises like good wishes on a Christmas morning

It’s springtime even on the highest peak, and old questions lost of meaning now seem gone away...

Until reborn in the arrival of yet another desperate beginning,
—holding nothing back

Columbia Falls Montana: June, 2011)
740 · Jan 2019
Your Mistress Defiled
Kurt Philip Behm Jan 2019
Has your violence
taken you to places
I’ve not been?

Or driven you
to things
I’ve not seen?

Was your soul
mired in conflict
once raised from the dead?

Were your walls
built to fortify
excuses and blame?

Have your choices
been forged by
damnation and fear?

Did love matter at all
when it cried
through the pain?

Could you still hear its voice
on those darkest
of nights?

Are those places you
conquered
in tribute now shamed?

Did your victims
kneel down
their heads bowed in defeat?

Was mercy rejected
your mistress
defiled?

Has your violence
taken you to places
I’ve not been?

Or driven you
to things
I’ve not seen?

(Villanova Pennsylvania: April, 2015)
729 · Jan 2021
Gold Standard
Kurt Philip Behm Jan 2021
In the currency of dreams
—you can never make change

(Dreamsleep: January, 2021)
719 · Sep 2016
Never A Question
Kurt Philip Behm Sep 2016
How open is your window,
  how tall is your door

How wide is your pool,
  how slippery is your floor

How fresh is your perception,
  how broad is your scope

How clear is your reflection,
  how real is your hope

How solid are your friendships,
  how many pray tell

How strong is your commitment,
  how deep is your well

How right is your grammar,
  how your words become strong

How your heart achieves freedom,
—turning verse into song

(Villanova Pennsylvania: September, 2016)
719 · Jan 2019
The Only Cost
Kurt Philip Behm Jan 2019
Painting myself into an emotional corner
  feelings trapped and staid

Family eliminated one by one
  old hurts and wounds replayed

Each year a brick in this wall of pain
  to shield me from the loss

Isolation my next of kin
  —love the only cost

(Villanova Pennsylvania: January, 2019)
718 · Jan 2022
Apex Predator
Kurt Philip Behm Jan 2022
To run from today
or hide from tomorrow,
the ultimate hunter,
time waiting downwind

Each day a stalking,
your tracks to betray you,
escape out of season
—the wolf closing in

(Sacandaga Lake, New York: January, 2022)
717 · Sep 2018
Art's Greatest Gift
Kurt Philip Behm Sep 2018
The lack of fame
  my spirit free

A bird uncaged
  amongst the trees

Its weight not lifted
  and never there

My breath in sequence
   above the air

The lack of fame
  art’s greatest gift

My oath to no one
  allegiance kept

As thoughts go hither
  and feelings yon

My soul untempered
  —my words to song

(Villanova Pennsylvania: September, 2018)
708 · Nov 2016
The Cook May Go Home
Kurt Philip Behm Nov 2016
The last of the bread bakes silently in the oven,
  as feelings stir warmly inside my heart

The smell and the aroma, an invitation to greatness,
  as the temperature rises—announcing I’m done

Loaves cook in the silence of a sweeter deliverance,
  letters rising as words, their meaning devours

The invitations to the meal have all been sent out,
and responded to

The cook may go home, the feast now leavened,
  has begun

(Telluride Colorado: 10:00 p.m. Sheridan Hotel, May, 1996, rewritten August, 2011)
706 · Nov 2016
Alone, In Search Of You
Kurt Philip Behm Nov 2016
I see the world in shades of gray,
  where has the color gone

My faith erodes with each new day,
  a weakness growing strong

I sense a feeling deep within,
  it spreads and reaches near

And tighten my coat against the wind,
  a buttress to this fear

I hear your voice, the inflection slight,
  its meaning still reveals

And reach for you in the waning light,
  under cover that conceals

No longer red, or blue, or white,
  prism distant and askew

I call once more in the cold dark night,
—alone, in search of you

(Villanova Pennsylvania: October, 2016)
706 · Feb 2019
Wanting Only To Rhyme
Kurt Philip Behm Feb 2019
Before I could return to writing prose,
  the Muse kidnapped my pen by decree

Most days fully structured and measured on end,
  but tonight
     —words yearned to be free

Each story cerebral, its words to describe,
  new plots marching forward in time

With fables inscribed for others, not I,
   my true voice
      —wanting only to rhyme

(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2016)
705 · Oct 2018
End To End
Kurt Philip Behm Oct 2018
That first book
That last book
That next book
That other book
Beginning and ending in the middle
  —they all turn out the same

The first book
The last book
The middle book
The forgotten book
Memory plagues that already said
  —only to be said again

The first book
The last book
The borrowed book
The successful book
Images recreated
  —as words jump page to page

The first book
The last book
The closing book
The memory book
An orchestra calls a final waltz
  —its conductor off the stage

The promised book
The distant book
The transforming book
The forever book
Sameness trapped a clone of time
   —as difference strikes again

That finished book
That published book
That famous book
That holy book
All critics choking in the dark
  —light burning end to end


(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2014)
702 · Dec 2016
To Shout Divine
Kurt Philip Behm Dec 2016
Each phrase a gift,
  mine to unwrap

The Muse bequeaths,
  when spirit lacks

Each word a jewel,
  to cut and shine

Together placed,
—then shout divine

(Villanova Pennsylvania: December, 2016)
701 · Feb 2017
The Wings Of An Angel
Kurt Philip Behm Feb 2017
God is a poet,
  his blessings in rhyme

Salvation unmetered,
  inspiration divine

His voice calls us inward,
  temptation now gone

Where the wings of an Angel,
  carry words into song

(Villanova Pennsylvania: July, 2016)
700 · Nov 2018
Only Two Ways
Kurt Philip Behm Nov 2018
There are only two ways
  to become immortal

One is to become a warrior
  —the other a writer


(Villanova Pennsylvania:  Watching ‘The Last Samurai,’ October, 2014)
697 · Apr 2019
Nightmare Awoken
Kurt Philip Behm Apr 2019
Avatar Queen
The mask or the screen,
What’s never to know
What’s never to see

Avatar Queen
Your name to mislead,
One more cryptic posting
That always deceives

Avatar Queen
Both petty and preened,
The bees in your bonnet
No stinger foreseen

Avatar Queen
You know what I mean,
With feelings all borrowed
And vistas unseen

Avatar Queen
The sourest cream,
No reason to wish
All hope dressed in green

Avatar Queen
Your anger unweaned,
My answer then sharp
My rapier free

Avatar Queen
Not to sleep or to dream,
Your nightmare awoken
In daylight you scream

Avatar Queen
One curse washes clean,
Your blessings defaced
  —no chance to redeem

(Villanova Pennsylvania: July, 2016)
690 · Jan 2023
Hiding In Plain Sight
Kurt Philip Behm Jan 2023
Music has a special taste
feelings lost in sound
Touching heard across the room
vision by the pound

References left unto themselves
choir boys in tune
Trading what they never had
tribute to the loon

One last chance to make the grade
masks come flying off
Darwin leaving Born in chains
climbing through the moss

Menageries have come and gone
kaleidoscopes diffused
Nomenclature chameleons
—confounded and bemused

(The New Room: January, 2023)
688 · Dec 2023
Roots
Kurt Philip Behm Dec 2023
Forget the past
—and the future is lost

(Dreamsleep: December, 2023)
686 · Mar 2017
My Crutch
Kurt Philip Behm Mar 2017
I’ve written now a thousand Poems,
  in search of just that one

Each word to slay the demon time,
  each phrase my soul undone

I’ve come so close a hundred nights,
   to see but not to touch

Then left to limp between the lines,
 —their failure now my crutch

(Villanova Pennsylvania: March, 2017)
685 · Dec 2016
Feeding My Soul
Kurt Philip Behm Dec 2016
Feeding my soul,
  I look at barns
  and want inside

Feeding my soul,
  I smile at children
  and touch their hands

Feeding my soul,
  I talk to truckers
  and watch them cry

Feeding my soul,
   I tip the hobos
   and hear the truth

Feeding my soul,
  I count the geese
  in southern flight

Feeding my soul,
  I love my family
  wife, and friends

Feeding my soul,
  I wander in the sea air
  and smell the morning

Feeding my soul,
  I catch the devil
  in disguise

Feeding my soul,
  I trade redemption
  for the promise of another wish

Feeding my soul,
  I write these words,
—feeding my soul

(69th St. Philadelphia: August, 1977)
683 · Dec 2018
The Dog & The Kitty
Kurt Philip Behm Dec 2018
The Doggie was white,
  and the Kitty was black,
  as they crouched at each end of the floor

Their eyes never met,
  because the rules were set,
  that the dog would chase the cat as before

At night came the darkness,
  and the Kitty stood up
  and headed right straight to the door

But the Doggie just lay there with his head
  on his paws, and thought:
  “Tonight—is quite different for sure”

(Villanova Pennsylvania: March, 2015)
‘For Kiley, Hunter, Braden & Parker’
            My Grandchildren
682 · Oct 2021
'Coming About'
Kurt Philip Behm Oct 2021
Roaming the prairies and fields
of confusion
Coursing the oceans and lakes
of delusion
Resetting my compass by the
northernmost star
Journeying inward
—where near meets the far

(Dreamsleep: October, 2021)
671 · Mar 2023
All And Nothing At All
Kurt Philip Behm Mar 2023
A therapist skirts the edge of lunacy
like a priest engages sin

An evangelist disavows poverty and fear
like a snake that sheds its skin

Together they paint the corridors black
with a promised light to come

Their patients and converts alone in the dark
salvation zero-sum

(Dreamsleep: March, 2023)
669 · Jul 2019
To Finish Her Song
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2019
Polymath Siren,
her flower returns

New stirrings to write
new melody to learn

Renaissance memory,
its present announced

Freeing your psyche,
past-future recount

Polymath harlot,
  love pledged again

Petals now varied,
spread from within

Bouquet filled enigma,
here until gone

Leaving always one seedling
—to finish her song

(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2017)
662 · Jul 2018
Spirit's Cry
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2018
We’ve had forever to get it right
  this religion we hold dear

But why the ****** and ‘holy wars’
  that underwrite our fear

We stand in judgment and wield belief
  with weapons poorly thrown

Our eyes rejecting while spirit’s cry
  —our futures poorly sown

(Villanova Pennsylvania: July, 2018)
661 · Feb 2019
Last Domino
Kurt Philip Behm Feb 2019
To change one word and rock the world,
   a verse now dancing free

Its weight unmeasured, breadth untold,
  whose key unlocks the dream

The bottle open, the genie gone,
  last domino to fall

One word pulled out, or inserted in
  —new meaning to enthrall

(Villanova Pennsylvania: February, 2016)
651 · Apr 2023
Daring Greatly
Kurt Philip Behm Apr 2023
Harder vison
softer rhyme
Lion tamed
—tomorrow thine

(Dreamsleep: April, 2023)
646 · Jul 2023
Straight Emes
Kurt Philip Behm Jul 2023
Words serve the meaning
and not the form
To awaken the morning
in spirit reborn

Each phrase as created
each couplet of verse
In praise of itself
—the structure to curse

(Dreamsleep: June, 2023)
Kurt Philip Behm Nov 2016
Through the eye of the needle,
Not to the left or the right
Dodging both on the comets tail

I streak into the light
My last wish out in front
As words melt in a fiery contrail

And with only one question
To weaken my heart
With only one thing to know

The seasons entwine
All beanstalks are felled
With the exit signs all aglow

I crash through the doubt
Releasing new hope
My affirmation now to reign

And look ever further
Beyond my scope
As my senses become untrained

I feel the loose pieces
Start to come off
A new lightness now abounds

The last burden has lifted
Burning bright in my wake
Crossing over—turned around

(Villanova Pennsylvania: November, 2016)
642 · Dec 2021
Oxymaria
Kurt Philip Behm Dec 2021
Most miserable
when she’s happy

Most shameful
when she’s proud

Most prescient
when unconscious

Most distant
in a crowd

Most forthright
when not speaking

Most giving
when denied

Most secret
when she’s telling all

Most dead
—but still alive

(Dreamsleep: December, 2021)
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