i'll risk whatever i have left if it means i can say what i've been wanting to say to you for so long

And the thought of you brings me to my knees.
Doesn't matter, I've done it all before.
This is what I live for,
Isn't it?

my first kiss was in a skating rink
with an older boy I barely knew
and my inexperienced tongue
being used to learn a new language.
his kiss made me realize that I might not
be all that straight.
I wasn't ready yet.

my second kiss was in a bathroom at school
my freshman year.
she looked at me as I nervously tried to
kiss her. I wanted it to be perfect, but
I wasn't sure how to do it correctly,
so she stopped me and guided me.
I fell in love with her then.

my third kiss was full of lust.
she and I were both sad for different reasons
and we couldn't stop ourselves.
I was too depressed to care and
God only knows what she wanted to
stop thinking about.
"terrible timing," she said.
I agreed.

my fourth kiss was a boy in a game.
his hands touched all over and I thought
I enjoyed it.
I was wrong.

my fifth kiss was with a girl whom I had been
waiting to kiss for several years.
I snuck her into my house and we talked till
everything went silent and
I knew it was finally time for our
lips to meet.
her lips were soft, and I never properly
thanked her for that kiss.
I was happy.

my sixth kiss was with a boy who stole my heart.
It was on accident, of course.
Not the kiss though, that was completely on purpose.
We technically had two first kisses, I suppose.
The first was in his house and we had
gone upstairs to look at his collection of movies
and then he said something dorky and I said,
"Oh shut up!" And he said, "Make me."
So I did, and I looked at him and I slowly made my
way towards his lips and when our lips met
I had felt something that I had never felt before.
Our second first kiss was in the rain on
the lakefront later that day and
I can't even begin to describe how
kissing him felt in that moment.
It was absolutely beautiful.
He was beautiful.
I was beautiful.
I just wish he'd give me my heart back now,
I miss him and
I am in pain.

To all the people I've kissed before,
I am so sorry.

I've been avoiding pavement.
My car key is beginning to rust.
I drank a *** of coffee at 6 o'clock
this morning but by 9,
I was sleeping again.
I've been dragging my
dusty limbs across
these wooden floors,
swallowing fistfuls of
pure white and murky ivory pills
for breakfast,
and throwing half of them up
in the shower
less than an hour later.

I just called to say,
"I can't tell if I'm alive today"

Radio silence

Everything is muted,

grey, and still

And I won't stop pretending
that I'm doing better
until I have no one left
to pretend for

cause that's who I am

from the blood and the mud

that shapes me,

I am a plastic surgeon
every ******* morning

And a brain surgeon
every ******* night

Give me a scalpel and
a bright light

I will cut a smile
across my tired face,
Chipped teeth,
Crimson lips,

I will lobotomize myself
just to forget this

It is seething hot
as it boils up my throat,

Solidified in my mouth
it feels like broken glass

It tastes like
salt water spit
and warm blood,

Once I start to say it
I can't swallow it again,
*"I have never lived a single day
I have never lived a single day
I have never lived a sin
I have never lived
I have never"

i'll have to move on one day, and i guess its time to start the process, isn't it?

when was the last time
you felt someone else's warmth?
the closeness of someone's heartbeat
right next to yours?
when were you last held
by someone who cares so much?
how long since someone told you
that they love all of you?
whispered it in your ear
whilst caressing your hair?
when did you last feel
loved?
wanted?
special?
has it been so long that you
can't remember
the hope and the happiness
wrapped in someone's arms?
when was the last time you smiled
thinking of someone?
have you forgotten what it is to be loved?


i am so lonely