Have I wasted years based on a fantasy of unprocessed fears, of daddy issues, and tears
I tear myself to pieces, my stomach is tied in knots, my mind is really broken, and I seem to cry a lot
I’m so desperate for your validation, for your kindness and your love, but the novelty of me soon wears off, and again I’m crushed.
This time will be different, we’ve come so far, we’ve grown so much.
We also made agreements that toxicity was done.
But who the hell was I fooling
Starved of chaos for a moment too long
You feast on destruction, dramatise this new production, which turns out is just a reconstruction, of the time before, and the one before that, I can go back and back.
Am I so ******* up for thinking things had changed
I’m scared to trust my thoughts I think my feelings are insane.
The venom in your voice, the stab of every vicious word
How is this the person who soothed me when I hurt.
How can I trust when you switch on me like that
The welcome mat is pulled and it’s into combat
I am the enemy. I must be destroyed
Just like Andy playing with his toys
Story has it, it will eventually become white noise
This scene has been repeated so much my head is sore
Blame, and blame, and blame, some more.
This time you scared me more than ever before
I’ve seen your darkness and still loved you to your core
But now I’m really sick
I don’t know who I am and my self esteem has dipped.
I don’t remember my smile, I live in ignorant denial.
I’m pathetic. I’m ashamed. I’m weak
Yet I continue to dial your number
Over, and over, and over, and over
Every click to voicemail chips away at my self-worth
I sob my precious heart out, longing to matter to you, coz no one else will do.
I put you on a pedestal and I really don’t know why
Because you’re emotionally abusive and you’ve made me want to die.
But you’ve also made me laugh, you’ve soothed me with your song, you sung me lullabies
And when anxiety has become too strong, you’ve got me to breathe along
You’ve held me and you’ve stroked my hair
You’ve reached out to touch me and to check that I am there
I believed we had an unparalleled connection
Was it self deception? Was I blind and naive?
I know love isn’t easy but should it bring you to your knees?
It’s certainly brought me closer to god
Coz I’ve begged and prayed like a hungry dog
I have no idea where I have gone