The only reason I knew it was you was because of the stupid ******* hat you always wore when we were together. Either that or I could spot you from a mile away. The fact that I have run into you so many other times astounds me. The universe can love you or the universe can give you what you need at that time, and I feel like either way I'm bound to lose.

You had your arm draped protectively and affectionately around her and I was completely surprised. And ******* angry. That too. I sat and sipped on my margarita like this was the most normal of all nights, like there wasn't a fiery red rage surging through my body. I went over to you and said hello, looked her right in the eyes, "I'm Kelly."

I knew you would move on quickly. I knew it wasn't right from the start. I knew your baggage and your past were things that I could not rescue you from. I knew ALL of these things and yet. Yet this is what happens.

I'm the girl that becomes replaced.
I'm the girl with good intentions but poor execution.
I'm the girl who asks you to stay,
When in reality I'm the one who ends up leaving.
But never soon enough...

They say when you fall in love
with someone
you just know.
well ****,
I got nothing

besides a gallery full of lost
dreams and drunk
text messages that don't
mean a thing

Finding my way is like a never ending
maze and I'm afraid that when I finally
reach the end, nothing will be waiting -
and especially not you

Your hands left mine,
To dangle within the stagnant space
I stood still because I wanted
to memorize your breath
in patterns, the frigid cold
seeping through my mittens
I finally started to realize
how heavy the impact of being
alone would
feel

I'm still that little girl,
Ten years old with ***** palms
hands up; and wide eyed
looking for reasons to make this okay
So, when I tell you that I'm
dependant on you for a reason,
That I do not know any better,
I'm really telling you the
**truth

I.
You held my face between your palms
I was the baby, the experiment
of my own demise
liquid courage dripping from your lips
and I soaked it up
like every other girl would
should
ii.
I refuse to be with you
in this state of mind
the mind of my father
slurring, with no boundaries
besides the edge of the bed
Your only safety net
against the drunken rage
and your endless hope of
iii.
i am not here
for you

i am leaving
gone
phone me tomorrow
and i will not pick up
This is the
iv.
end
of what you tried to create
me, willing little girl
begging for your attention
against the forces of this world
v.
I'm gone
I'm gone
I'm
g o n e

all that i intended
falling to sand
between the cracks of my fingers
pouring through my being
and while we're here
in this state
you can have my


heart
in fragments