Remembering how beautiful that moment it was back then. While you seemed enthusiastic about your stories. Over and over, I’m falling for you. Staring at your eyes, while you kept on sharing your stories. Hearing your laugh while talking? God, I couldn’t ask for more. And then, the perfect moment and timing happened.

When I saw the lights reflecting in your hazelnut eyes — my heart skipped its beat. How lucky I am to see a perfect creation. You amazed me in every simple ways you do. You, doing nothing. And I know it's weird, super weird.

Then, I became anxious on how I should act like nothing happened. But, I failed on it. Running out of words to say. It was the perfect time for me to say how much you mean to me, scratch that, on how much I am falling in love with you. But I choked with the thought of me expressing myself, because I don’t wanna be rejected. Though I know for sure this feeling ain’t mutual.

I think it's better that I didn't say those words. Because I don't wanna trap you from this messy human I am. I didn't regret meeting you figuratively at the corner of the street. If I could just repeat it, over and over I would find ways for you to notice my nothingness. For I will fall in love, again.

And, here I am. I totally don't know what to say. Or maybe I just couldn't accept the fact that me, being so coward leads me to this ******* moment. Where I’m caught between, wanting you in my life or wanting to forget the memories you’ve shared with me though I couldn’t deny the fact that it hurts me and pains me to think of it. But I guess dear, I’ll always be looking from afar. Thinking every possible ways about the thought of us. Yes, a cliche indeed. But, I’m a human being and in love?

This memory of you may not lead to where it should be. But I want you someday, or in other parallel worlds we might have — you’ll be able to read some parts of this, and a smile coming from your lips would suffice all of this.

I guess, us wasn’t really a love story nor a happy ending. Until then, I’ll meet you somewhere over a coffee and a smoke, then will have a chitchat about how dramatic I was and was head over heels of you.

I will always love you, romantically. And you do love me platonically dear. Good byes are overrated so good night and I’ll sleep this pain off tight.

I still want US,
But I can't be, and we can't be,
So I'm setting both of us free,
Free from this relationship that won't last.

It pains me,
To see you're free,
But that's how I love you,
And it's true.

I hope one day,
You can still laugh and be okay.
Let's bury together this agony,
Time heals and we'll be ready.

You are going
to fall in love,
Again.
Because,
You think you're
Cold as ice
But,
You weren't.
You knew it
But you chose to lie.
You,
Chose to deny
Your feelings for
Someone.
A person who
Performs a somersault,
In your heart.

Stop . . .
I want my heart to stop  beating,
To stop screaming your name,
To stop craving,
To stop us, that was just a game.
Stop . . .
You're not even sorry,
An apology that I was waiting,
Hell, It won't be coming eh?
**** pride you got.
Stop . . .
Stop messing with me,
Making me fool and please set me free.
Stop making me believe that you love me,
Stop creating us, that was full of misery.
Stop . . .
Yeah, we should stop.
We deserve much more better than this,
We know, our love is not that strong,
We did everything, but what went wrong?
Stop . . .
Loving me,
I know you regret everything,
I know you were just lying,
From the very beginning,
Until we meet our ending.
Stop . . .
Saying goodbyes,
I don't even know why?
Are you doing it just to hurt me?
You did great because it pains me.

- 01082k16

The
warmth
under
sheets,
bodies.
Hands tied,
dug deep.
So deep.
Scream,
loud.
At the
peak.
Both,
worn out.

It's just You and Me -
T'was a very good evening.
'til, you've unloved me.

What has become of us?
I did not wish this end.

Praying on a better ending,
just somethin',
so we'll stop pretending.
I've left alone reminiscing.

Pulling you more to me,
But now, you wanted to be free.
Time has come for us to fall,
And now you've built a wall.

You
Are
Important
To
YOU.

Glad I was the one —
That caught your heart, soul and mind.
Love me until the end.

I was living my years in a lie.
Was in search for what’s the meaning of life.
Not until one day,
I woke up in awe of what inside.
I’ve had it all along.
I’ve been so distant and distracted of the thought.
Dying to chase the ‘high’,
Not realising anything.
I lost everything.
I lost,
ME.

Dear You,
Yes you
the one who broke me;
into pieces,
Tiny pieces.

Expecting someone
like you
in front of my door.
Without you knocking
Without you asking
Without me knowing
that was the last time.
The very last time,
that I would see you,
that I would talk to you,
that I would laugh with you.

Everything was over
looking through the memories;
Sad,
sad memories of you.

Till we met,
not as lovers
but as strangers.

I can't be that person you want,
Those things that you want me to do, but I just can't.
You made me this person I am now,
I'm still into you, somehow
Again, you cast another spell,
And I have difficulty on how to dwell.

I hate to admit that I'm tired of being me,
I only write because you exist,
This feeling that I have, I can't resist,
For you my Love, will be free.

I know you will be free from me,
From the person I just can't be.
I'm not good enough for you,
I keep asking myself, what should I do?

What I saw was true,
I was bound to love you,
-- Until I die dear.

- 05152k15

Dearest Parents,

I don’t even know where to begin, because there’s so much sitting in my heart. Some of it heavy, some of it aching and all of it quietly waiting to be heard.

I miss you both.
I miss home.
I miss the feeling of safety I used to associate with your presence. Even when things were hard, I believed, deep down, that love was somewhere in the room.

But now… I feel banished. Like I was pushed out from the one place I thought would always take me in. I don’t know if it was something I did, or didn’t do, or simply who I am. But the silence, the distance, it’s louder than any words you could’ve spoken.

I’ve been trying to be strong. To hold myself up without the foundation I used to rely on. To believe I still matter, even when I feel forgotten. It hurts. It hurts in the kind of way that lingers, that wakes me up at night, that makes me question my worth.

Still, somewhere in me, there’s a small flicker of love that hasn’t gone out. A part of me that wishes you could see me. Not as a disappointment, not as someone to cast out, but just as your child. I’m not perfect, but I’ve always carried love for you. I still do.

Maybe you’ll never read this. Maybe nothing will change. But I needed to say it, for me. I needed to let these words out of the cage they’ve been in.

With love and sadness,
Me

Skin & soul,
You've built a wall.
Can't carry it all —
feeling small.

Waves are crashing,
Heart is crumbling.
We were once each other's everything,
Now, we're already sinking.

Seek us love —
Together above.
Don't go,
Let's start slow.

Today I felt different...
While I was decluttering my room and sorting my stuff (preparing my things to finally leave this apartment). Tears were flowing, again. It still pains me knowing you aren't there everyday. Knowing I can't talk to you about the random things that happened today. Knowing that you'll always support me when I told you that, " I don't feel well, I need to clean my room to clear my mind". Knowing that I  don't have you, period.
I found photographs of me, you, and us. We were happy in those tiny polariods we have. I found a lot of stuff that reminds me of you, yet I still can't let go even in those things we shared. I still want you near, hoping we'll still share this rainbow color we had. I still have those vivid memories of you, of our plans as a family together. I still want us to work, I still crave for your affirmation and attention. I still think of you a thousand times a day, I am missing you everyday. I still want you. Because I'll never found love like ours.
But, each day I have to face a difficult ending. I have to accept that we need to grow apart. I need to accept that you aren't going home to me anymore. I gotta holdback asking how are you today. I have to hold myself from coming to your place, hoping I'd see a glimpse of you even I'm outside looking like a total creep. I have to keep this random talks to myself. I have to be taster, every time I found a new recipe. I have to be me, without you anymore.

I pray someday you'll find what you need in this lifetime and if this letter crosses your path, let me know. Because I, we'll be waiting for you.

Until then, please do take care of yourself.
S

Please
don't get lost in someone else.
Ask yourself once in a while,
"How are you doing?"