there is something to be said for the cathartic release of writing down all my thoughts (word *****)

doesn't help me hours later though

in the moment there are no words
just tears and upset

everything is on your schedule
which only allows for two hours for anything other than being at home

dinner with friends, family visits, vacations
(we've never once had a real vacation as a couple)

use your timeline
moving in, marriage, buying a house

decades pass because I let it
your depression is suffocating

Here we are again
another Friday night
you asleep and me awake
I once again beg with ignored pleas

can't bring myself to give voice to this
but if you refuse to help yourself





I am going to eventually stop
throwing you a life line

We both cried tonight
Yours was painful, gut wrenching
Mine is silent and continuing even as you sleep (how can you sleep?)

I cannot believe you think you aren't worthy of someone so broken

I am sick of you hiding things
found your vapes yet again
in the car, the bathroom, the kitchen pantry

you "don't smoke that much, just when stressed"
I know there are worse things to be addicted to, but why can't you be honest

when questioned I turn into the villain

You used to be so full of life
Now I have a list of things you hate, which right now feels like it includes me

So I go alone, to meet my family, to work events, to see friends
I don't even want to invite you anymore

I feel so sad that I can't balance this you with the old you

Should I have known this is who you'd grow up to be?
Should I have taken steps years ago to separate myself?

I used to sparkle,
have I dulled because of you?