careful what you say
it will haunt
and when it haunts, interrupts
I don't want to be interrupted
I've lost too much

We connected...
I trusted her to see me today
It felt like I gave a piece
of my soul away
She's friendly and kind
I really like her style
I think she'll do just fine
I will work on trusting me
More now

I hate my own company sometimes
My mind always running in marathons
And too still sometimes for the boredom to leave my bones
It is seeping into them
Executive dysfunction and dissociation are playing hopscotch in my brain
There is no winner here
Instead I lay in a standstill of movie- watching and trashed floors
Wondering when the energy will come back
Wondering when the motivation will return
Or if I ever had it in the first place
I've been friends with my mental so long it's hard to remember a life before them
Before they told me who I was and who I should be

stop looking
in the mirror
at your imperfections

don't look at your
acne scars
or if you don't
like your nose
or the color
of your eyes

but let's look
at that breathtaking
smile you have,
the amazing
personality you
have

and how
special you
are because
you are different
from everyone else

You asked
What is the scariest part?

I answer
The scariest part
is not the feeling of loneliness
or the darkness that fills you
despite the looming pain
of emptiness

The scariest part
is the realization  
that you have lost yourself
completely
sinking in as you lay awake
at 2 AM
because you lost the ability to sleep
and you can't even cry
because you don't even care

let's not
be a little
more social
but let's be
a little more
open with
ourselves
before we are
open to anyone
else

let's not be a
little more humble
when we haven't
been selfish
for ourselves

let's not be
a little bit careful
to anyone
until we look
out for ourselves
until we care
for ourselves
and then we'd
be ready for
someone else

let's not believe
in anyone else
until we believe
in ourselves

let's not send
our love to
anyone else
until we
truly love ourselves

being us,
being you
and being me
is so different
but we all have
similar needs so
fulfill ours first
until you go to
someone else

because being you
always comes first

If I had a gun to my head,
Would I freeze in awful terror

If I had a gun to my head,
Would I cower in fear
Or welcome the speeding metal

If I had a gun to my head,
Would I fear for my life
Or would I welcome death
As it would be my life I'm afraid of

If I had a gun to my head,
Would it be my finger on the trigger
Would it be held by my own hand