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 Dec 2014 Jon Tobias
mads
I'd like to be able to write again, but the universe is turning too slow in the wrong direction.
My heart drips instead of duh-dums
And my breath slips.

Rhyming sticks to the top of my mouth catching grains of rhythm as I regurgitate yesterday's thoughts.

I haven't been able to write lately, not because I am a bumbling busy body, but because time is frozen, I'm cemented and dissolving into the tasteless air.
Everything is too colourful lately, too... anything for me to understand.

Maybe I should start reading again, go back to painting stale blue skeleton hands with not enough paint.

Maybe that's my problem... There's not enough paint in my life.
I don't know, I'm trying... Okay?
"Look at me sweet light, come make my inner eyes yours
light me up, I am the universe, spanning light years across
galaxies of desire and the renunciation at altissimo, the peak
disentangle the  strands, liberate, to my abode let me  go back
How long I've been sitting in meditative wait, for your caresses
for that divine  touch that'd trigger ecstasy in multiples"



My journey is recorded in shades
of light and darkness, it's essence
returns to the flow eternal, dissolves.

I am the remembrance of nights
colored by sad, pale, soft  moon light
that keeps watch to million secrets
preserved in double helix, passed over as
codes that keep on telling stories from
time immemorial,still kept safe within,
which is my zen 'kon' to contemplate
and erupt in enlightenment, my right.

I am melancholy light, driven away
when sea blue drinks sun at last, liquefied,
every tree top then one'd find covered
with fire flies that play an orchestra,
in an ascending wave, touching
the acme,then  comes down rolling and dies.

We lived in a land of unimagined beauty
only a bit of it our conscious mind receives
that anointed us all it has, rain and wind
fog, ice and sleet,the warmth of summer,
remember the way winter made us tenderly
shiver together, as if we are explorers of a
world,we created and dissolve as we return.
Let's try to summerize the adventure we are in
It doesn't take a
shrink
to tell me that
yelling
*******
isn't exactly
the best way
to let you know

i need you.

and my aunt Tay -
she coulda
kept her say
'cuz i already
know
that my fists kept
close(d)
is what's
keeping me
from
you

giving me

what
i need

annnd

beating them
against your
chest
probably
doesn't tell you
too simply
to hold
me

even
tighter -

listen,

i have
way too many
*****
to give
to be
giving them all
to you

poor you.

i know.

and it all
drives me so nutty
that you
my baby got
stuck
in this heart
of putty
ive got
you
sputty-

babblin' about
how you
want to keep on
doing this

forever.
and ever?


I love you.
I'm a lil ****** up ... or maybe a lot.
And I ended up here. Ha
Hopefully, something a little more coherent comes after this.

Love me some HP.
 Dec 2014 Jon Tobias
CA Guilfoyle
Old books, older still the dust
lost library, forgotten world of words
through vertical windows, distorted glass
of years past, watch shapes of trees
colored birds fly by
dusty poem, room of
melancholy
rhyme

Black and white photos
framed upon the mantle
how long our memories
shining wild, to light a room
how long do we think them
ever full bloom
 Dec 2014 Jon Tobias
Odi
Play
 Dec 2014 Jon Tobias
Odi
He plays the the sound of a rainfall in Manhattan.
As he chases paper thin skin out of this sorry sob story
another fairy tale in his head.
I think you've had enough for today Alex
why don't you sing of pretty things?
Eyes like coals too dark to see,
do they stop your hands from strumming that guitar?
the tunes you play
the melodies
echo in the absence of your voice
and alex you taste so sweet
sweeter than the alcohol you use to get to sleep
I tell you one day the past will catch up with you;
but your smile looks like a well adjusted childhood.
Something were all surprised to see.
And yeah your fingers pour over the strings,
because
the only time they dont shake is when you play
so play for me
play play play
sing sing sing
dont stop
dont breathe
just play
A series of poems for the boys that have left a mark
somewhere
somehow
 Dec 2014 Jon Tobias
Odi
Fuck up
 Dec 2014 Jon Tobias
Odi
I am awoken by a nagging in my head
its in my mothers voice
the urgency,
I don't know what for, its 5 am.
my submission doesn't speak.
I fill the air with the sound
of my nonsense, a rambling of dreams,
"dont burst the bubble, burst the bubble, burst the-"
a never ending melody.
Because there is nothing louder than this, I have wanted to crawl out of my skin long before I knew it was mine.
And theirs, not mine entirely, composed of DNA so imperfect
even the gods would've laughed.
If you ever want to **** something up to the point its unrecognizable,
give it to me, look what I did to my own potential.
Squander doesn't begin to cover it, almost out of spite.
and i must stop it before it reaches my eyes
it has a certain way of clouding them over
and I just dont want people to realize
that I am swallowing a lump
at the back of my throat
what seems like forever
trying not to get my eyes to burn or
dig my nails deep into someones throat
just to feel their artery and scream
"YOU ******* FEEL IT DONT YOU?
ARE YOU ALIVE? ARE YOU REALLY HERE?
YOU ARE ALIVE, ALIVE ALIVE!."
Then place the sharp bits of my nails
against my skin, hard
and not feel
anything
I struggle with self control
especially with ***
and drugs
and alcohol.

I yell too often, never loud enough to make them hear me.
I am afraid of my own voice
telling people to shut up
Jack knows its not a good thing if I whisper
last time I did I said
"I don't have a pulse, I cant find my pulse."
Before I freaked out and smashed that vase against the wall
and laughed at what a sad broken cliche I have become.
My anger came out in sputtering sobs

And he tried to hold me
because that's what people do in movies
cue the background music
but I didn't let him because I was never any good at acting,

and he never got mad when I hit him
I can hear that "Sshhhh" at the back of
my ear
Forever.
and I could wince at my own humiliation if I gave a ****.
I wont lie it was awkward he sounded scared
"aww dont c-c-ry"
thought I saw a tear there too
Im trying
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