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I don’t know how to smile
A simple curve of mouth
Takes me an intense while
It ends up being a pout.
There are queries I make
To all who can dazzle
Without fault or mistake
Without getting frazzled.
Must one’s teeth be exposed?
How must one move the lips
So it does not look forced?
They try to give me tips.
“The mirror is your friend
It depends on your face
There’s only a slight bend
Before a dark grimace.
Try new angles each time
See when you look decent
It is a steady climb
To appearing pleasant.”
How must I compute this?!
I did do as they said
I either look amiss
Or angry and half-dead.
It’s not that I am plain
I try not to think so
But it causes me pain
I can’t go with the flow.
I fear taking pictures
It makes no sense to me
Why go through a torture
Each time with company?
Self-portraits are common
Nowadays called ‘selfies’
Everyone’s forgotten
When one’s a true beauty.
But I can’t even smile
Simplest trick of them all
To go the extra mile
I can’t summon the gall.
But I’ve heard my friends say
When one is not conscious
At the end of the day
That photo is precious
It captures a memory
Of a true, blissful curve
A good moment's history.
I must try to observe
Those unabashed smiles
And try to repeat those
Without going out of style
And trying a weird pose.
Isn't it funny,
How life goes,
In the blink of an eye,
Is it really worth trying so hard,
And not enjoying life for what it is,
I envy the animals they are so free,
They can live,
They don't have the struggles of finding a job,
They don't have to go through an education system thats clearly flawed,
They don't have the problems that we have put on ourselves,
I wish to be free.
they say
that you are lazy
a glutton and a fool
no matter how you slice the roast
people can be cruel

I have a weight problem            
have had all my life            
on the yo-yo string of failure            
folks, words cut like a knife            


perhaps you saw my avatar
I was slender as can be
but now my weight is up again
and I cannot be me

unless I show my picture                
as I am right now                
I want you to see me                
I want you to know                

I'm as pretty now my friends
as I've ever been
my weight is not an issue
and it's not due to sin

I was on some heavy meds                
Haldol and Xyprexa                
so I'm a little overweight                
I have a little extra                
              
so check out my avatar
check it out and see
I may be a "weighty matter"

but I'm still the same ol' ME!


SoulSurvivor
(C) 6/9/2016
I was put on some pretty heavy medication because of my status as a targeted individual. I had a run-in with the "Church" of Scientology. They did everything in their power to destroy my life. I am not bitter about this. My experience helped me in some respects. But the psychiatrists were very irresponsible. They put me on Xyprexa when I weighed 280 pounds.
That medication is known to promote weight gain. I ballooned up to 360 pounds.
They left me on that med for over a year. I'm not saying that I'm not totally responsible for my condition though. I should have contested these decisions the doctors made. But basically I'd given up. Because I never needed these meds I had every side effect in the book. And one of the side effects for a lot of these medications is weight gain.

I'm not letting it get me down. I'm going to a wellness camp and exercising daily. As much as I can with Stage four arthritis in both knees. The weight gain did that to me  too. My attitude is good. I just need to have prayer that I can forgive these doctors and the people who started this ball rolling in the first place. Before all this happened 20 years ago I had lost 140 pounds to be as thin as I was in the avatar that you saw on my profile a while back.

I will try to read later today. It seems every time I start reading something comes up. So be patient with me please! I do care about you all and I want to read you. Not just because I want "likes" or reads. I just love poetry!
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