to be loved endlessly
to have the screaming stop; just for a minute; in their arms-

I do not know how to describe it.

for as long as i have known,
i have never slept
without my shoulders heavy and back in unwinding knots.

im not even ******* grown yet.
it scares me;
adolescence has gotten me all twisted up
whatever will happen,
when i fall to the mercy of the treacherous claws of life?

sometimes i wonder,
where the **** did my adolescence even go?
man i just want to be a kid
to live my beautiful kid life
without any pain
in a dreamy house with a burning fire
parents, who love, with a desire;
to live,
to flourish!
friends, free and true
none of this rivalry; ado.

when trying
to pour your heart out
to the one person you love
is met with rejection
and disdain
the heart becomes a sealed chamber
never revealing itself to anyone ever again

i know i am an abomination
i know you wish i were never born
i know that my existence defines your ruin
well guess what?
me.
f**king.
too.
i do not wish to be here.
i never asked for this.
and yet,
i love you endlessly.
and i always will
for i do not know anything else.

i do not know a world where i have not loved you and you have not hurt me

i was all but 7,
the first time i hated the number i saw on the scale.
u fed that to me.
and 7 year old me,
all she wanted was to become the version of herself that was worthy of your love.
i know that i am not worthy of your love.
i know.
and i'm sorry..

every night before i go to bed,
i craft my mask
for my upcoming performance of course!
perfectly powdered cheeks, flawless.
lashes curled, a rosy smile-
always a smile.
Silent, Unseen,
always a smile.

in the cold, dark glass,
i look at myself in the mirror's depths.
the real me.
i see a twisted, gnarled mess.
a frown, eyes brimming with distress.
torn apart by her cruel mind.

how i wish the mask would set in,
so i wouldn't have to prepare this facade,
every.
single.
day.

I'm tired.

What if,
I don't have the will to craft the mask tonight?
What if I simply indulge in slumber's gentle light?
Without the weight of the mask upon my sight?

no.

they won't accept me.
and i cannot bear their disdain you see,
and so,
the everlasting performance, it must be.

what must i do,
to break free,
from the suffocating shackles of this mind.
To truly live,
to silence all doubt,
and end this lingering worry.
What must i do?

do you know the weight of it?
clawing your way up
test after test,
year after year,
to be the perfect reflection of the dreams they have for you,
those that are now your own.
where your worth now hangs.

when they see the prize,
they say, 'oh it comes so easily to her'

Easily?

i bled for this.
i screamt for this.
and my mind?
it whispers
'this is just what you're supposed to do'
you are 'gifted'
its your mere responsibility.
nothing to celebrate. nothing special.

isnt it?

you knew I was lost,
you took advantage of that.

i had to accept your touch
i had to understand your desire
and your hand on my body
left a mark

i broke into pieces,
with your touch that I can't wash away
and with your face,
which I cannot forget


now am silenced
for the rest of my days