Sometimes I hate my body
But sometimes I feel like a hottie
It's unpredictable how I feel
The feeling of hated can easily steal
It feels like such a crime
But I guess I'll have to take it one step at a time
To relearn to love myself again
Maybe I'll feel like a ten
Having something of my own
Wishing I didn't feel so alone
To feel more confident in that bikini
Sometimes I wish I was just a little more skinny
It's hard for me to see other girls look the way I want to look
But in the end I don't want jealousy in my book
They say the prettiest thing a girl can wear is confidence
I wish I had more of that.

Someone once told me " A woman who gives birth doesn't make her your mother. It's the nights they spend caring about you, looking out for you, giving you a roof to live under."
My mom REALLY lacked that.

It hurts so bad to sit back and think about all the times we had spent together, laughter filling the room but in reality it was just a face. A mask.
A mask who hid the woman that birthed me. A mask that hid the fact that maybe you shoudnt have had me if you lacked what it takes to BE a mother.

Yeah you bought me fun toys at the dollar store, told me to play video games if i was bored, but you didn't protect me.
You didn't protect me from the shouting and slamming between you and him.
You didn't protect me when you crashed into those bricks.
You didn't protect me when I was beneath the bed hearing glass smash.
You didn't protect me mom.
You just didn't.
Now you face the consequences of your actions and maybe, just maybe you'll regret having made such dumb, ignorant mistakes.

The plates will still shift
and the clouds will still spew.
The sun will slowly rise
and the moon will follow too.

Life’s beauty will continue
to flourish all around,
but now you are gone,
these birds have no sound.

And my heart does not beat.
It is still inside my chest.
My tears keep on falling
and my head will not rest.

But I have no choice only
to move through this life.
Endlessly attempting
to fill this longing that is rife.

My head is not right today.
I have no idea why it's this way.

It switches from one thought to another.
I feel like I am being smothered.

I can't finish just one thought.
In a group is where they are brought.

I'm under so much stress.
There are things I should confess.

Some people say I am so strong,
But in reality, they couldn't be more wrong.

The outer part of me puts on that smile
While the inner me has been dying for a while.

I hate this part of my disease.
It literally brings me to my knees.

From a great mood to nasty as hell.
Which it's gonna be, I can never tell.

Most of the days I can push through.
Today I don't know what to do.

It comes with no known trigger.
It's not going away; it's only getting bigger.

Bigger, louder, and extremely strong.
I wish I knew what was wrong.

I want to cry, but I don't know what for.
I hate this disease; I don't want it anymore.

I get these terrible pains in my chest.
Feels like the Lord is gonna lay me to my final rest.

Will these feelings only last for today?
'Cause it feels like they will never go away.

In reality it will not.
A life sentence is what I got.

I could be flying high in the fluffiest cloud.
Then, bam, I crash onto the ground.

I wonder if people truely understand
What really goes on in my land.

How could they when even I don't?
How could they when they simply won't?

This not only takes a toll on me,
But it affects my friends and family,

Especially those days I cannot hide
The deep dark depression I feel inside.

Some days I'm just not strong enough.
Some days are just too tough.

But most of the days I seem to manage
To get through them without serious damage.

Well at least to others
Is what I mutter

Things aren't usually this bad,
But you won't know which I have had

'Cause that is what we do.
We pretty it up for you.

I can't keep that clear thought in my head.
I'm done with this crap; I am going to bed

Dear Mom,
Have you forgotten?

Sitting, waiting, hoping

Where did you go, Mom?
Did I do something wrong?

Lost, lonely, sad

Are you really gone, Mom?
I waited...
I'm with my grandparents now, Mom.
I have a room now.
Are you there, Mom?
Can you hear me?

Tired, crushed, defeated

Started school again.
It's my birthday, Mom!
It's okay, I don't need a birthday card.

Broken, lacking, sorrowful

Broke an ankle, Mom.
Got a school award.
Are you happy?

Undefined, sinking, heartbroken

Went to the school dance, Mom.
Had my first relationship!
Do you miss us, Mom?

Warped, torn, tangled

You're really gone now.
Why?
I'm moving on now, Mom.
I miss you.
I love you.
Goodbye.

I don't like it when people fight.
My mom and dad do every night.
I lie in bed and pretend to be asleep.
My mom looks in; I don't make a peep.

Sometimes I wish I didn't live here.
I'm a little girl who only feels fear.
When I go to school I put on a big smile.
I pretend things are fine, and it works for a while.

But there are days when I am very sad.
When I've been called names and told that I'm bad,
Then I keep to myself and hide my shame,
For I don't really know who to blame.

I'm scared to have friends come over to play.
I never dare ask if my friends can stay,
For I don't know when they will start.
I'm just a little girl trying to be smart.

The dishes breaking, the yelling, the shouting.
Their fights are ever so mounting.
I'm the innocent victim who feels rejected
Instead of feeling loved and respected.

But maybe if I wish really hard
The memories will ease and I won't be scarred.
When I awaken, maybe my wish will come true.
Out with the old and in with the new.

A new way of living for my parents and I.
There'll be no more tears for the little girl to cry,
But it's really ******* children to grow up like this.
They'll look back on a childhood they really missed.

Nobody knows it's empty,
The smile that I wear.
The real one is left behind in the past
Because I left you there...

Nobody knows I am crying.
They won't even see my tears.
When they think I am laughing,
I wish you were here...

Nobody knows it's painful.
They think that I am strong.
They say it won't **** me,
But I wonder if they are wrong...

Nobody knows I miss you.
They think I am all set free,
But I feel like I am bound with chains,
Trapped in the mystery...

Nobody knows I need you.
They think I can do it on my own,
But they don't know I am crying
When I am all alone...

I found my knife.
Isn't that nice?

I apologize.

To have your last name
makes me ill.
You make me so angry
I want to ****!

I hate your voice
and the thought of you.
You were never there
when I needed you!

You're inconsiderate,
you're a lazy slob.
How could you do
what you did to mom?

It's like you don't
even accept me.
What kind of father
can you be?

You're stupid for thinking
that I'd forgive
what you did to me...to mom... to grandma.
How do you live?

Do you regret?
I hardly doubt.
I bet that I'm
the last thing you think about.

Don't lie to me.
I know I'm right.
I don't want you
in my sight!

Stay where you are;
don't bother.
You're lousy - I hate you
You're not my father!!

But that's okay,
you see,
because I don't need
your love!

You've forgotten
me before.
Go ahead...do it
some more!

LOSER! ****! - I hate you
you're not my father,
and guess what,
I'm no longer
your daughter!

I've never wished for fortunes,
I've always prayed for better things.
I'm happy and contented,
Never wanting to live like a king or queen.

I've never craved for riches.
Why should I waste my time?
Possessions are only borrowed.
All I want is peace of mind.

Money can't buy you happiness
Or make your dreams unfold.
Your loved ones are your wealth,
Not pockets filled with gold.

As long as there's food on the table,
A roof above my head,
I will say thank you, Lord,
My life has truly been blessed.

The sun is out.
The children scream and shout
All about.

There is no more school.
Everyone in the pool!
No more looking like a fool.

They run outside,
Find places to hide
And bikes to ride.

Everyone is having fun
No rush, no places to run.
Relax and play with anyone.

No one is stressed,
No more weight on their chests.
This is why summer is the best

Me without you
is like a leafless fall,
a snowless winter,
and a flowerless spring.

Me without you
is like a colorless rainbow,
a sunless day,
and a starless night.

Me without you
is like the ocean without a wave,
the beach without sand,
and a flameless fire.

Me without you
is like a book without words,
a man without a face,
and a child with no name.

How hard it is to heal a broken heart.
Everything seems so dark,
And it seems like the stars even lost their spark.
Loneliness just pulled me apart.
It even killed the dreams I have in my heart.
Now I see the light because I learned to write,
Giving the silent healing I need to free the sadness I was hiding inside.

If I had just one more day...
I'd tell you I loved you.
I'd tell you I need you.
I'd tell you that you were the best thing that ever happened to me.

If I had just one more day...
I'd give you that one last hug.
I'd give you a kiss goodbye.
I'd give you my world.

If I had just one more day...
I'd show you how much I really loved you.
I'd show you why I loved you.
I'd show you why I NEED you.

If I had just one more day,
it would be okay for you to go away.

My life is so lost without you here.
Please come back, for just one more day...

Growing up i looked up
to you.
You showed me what it was like to be brave.
But that one day, you chose to mess it all up.
"Come to my room, lets watch a movie."
Little did I know , I was about to be violated in my own home.
"Give me a hug"
But oh this was no hug, i wish I would'e known.
How could i have been so DUMB.
"Oh its not my fault" I say, I was too young.
The feeling of your touch down there.
"This doesn't feel right.."
" i don't care"
Nena walked in, "What the hell are yall doing??"
"He said to give him a hug" I said
That night, we got a stern talking to.
"Don't ever do that again"
Was that it? All you had to say?
I had felt like my innocence had been taken away.
Years later, there's not a day that goes by
where i don't think of that traumatizing, long-lasting memory of mine.
Maybe I'm just overreacting.
Or maybe, you should've taken action.
I'll never feel the same again.

A silly girl
Loved a stupid boy
He was her everything
She was just his toy
He played with her emotions
Put mixed feelings in her head
For that stupid boy
A million tears that girl had shed
His friends would laugh
In his fun they would share
They knew he was a player
While she thought they were the perfect pair
Then came that horror
She was two weeks late
So she took the test
Could this possibly be fate?
She told that boy
The news she had found out
That was when she discovered
What he was all about
He showed his true colors
And crushed her pride
Left her all alone
For someone he had on the side
Born to her
Was a perfect son
This war she was fighting
The new mother had won
The prize was hers
To keep for a lifetime
A baby boy
Born to shine

You may hate me now but there was a time I was your wallpaper.

You may hate me now but there was a time where we would fall asleep on the phone.

You may hate me now but there was a time when I was your favorite person.

You may hate me now but there was a time when we would talk every day.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you felt betrayed by all of your friends and you didn't want to be with anyone else but me.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you thought i was the most beautiful person in your eyes.

You may hate me now but there was a time when a certain song you liked would remind you of me.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you missed me after a day of not seeing you.

You may hate me now but there was a time when you thought you would marry me

You may hate me now but there was a time when you loved me.

Pain told love I'm not here to stay.
Once I've taught all I can, I'll be on my way.
It might be tomorrow or next month or year.
Each lesson is learned with every new tear.

Pain told love she needs to grieve.
Once I've done all I can, I'll take my leave.
These tears that she sheds won't be here for long.
She'd hoped he would live, but I guess she was wrong.

Pain told love she feels empty inside.
It's not something she can easily hide.
A short time ago all she did was smile,
But now that he's gone, she won't for a while.

Pain told love she'll be okay soon.
The sadness she feels lessens with each new moon.
She looks past his death to the memories they made,
And with each new day, her despair starts to fade.

Pain told love my job here is done.
Her shadows fall behind as she faces the sun.
The girl steps forward and starts to smile.
She hasn't felt this way for a good long while.

Love told pain you're no longer needed.
I'll take over from here as your lesson was heeded.
The feelings you gave her, they tore her apart,
But it's time for me to piece back together her heart.

You don't want to meet me here
Torn between my hope and fear
A fallen angel lurking near
Is looking for an honest ear
The angels in a demons cloth
Impurities into the wash
A strength of which the weak will watch
When time is at a pricely cost
But you cannot teach the blind to see
Only feel, only be,
An insight that must come from thee:
To absolve the soul; I set it free.

The days go by, then a month, then a year,
and still through the days I see not a change.
No matter what happens, you still aren't here,
and how you just disappeared is what's strange.

No explanation, no warning, just gone.
I wish I had just some of your courage
to go leave one rainy morning at dawn,
to leave one day without any message.

How I long for somewhere to be renewed
or to just disappear, just not to be,
not to see, not to feel, not to hear you,
the ghost that you are, which I long to be.

But as many days that I want to go,
there are more that I want to stay and know.

I wish he could know
What I'm too scared to show.
I wish he could see
Just how much he means to me.
I wish he could tell
That I know him so well.
I wish he could feel
My love that is real.
I wish he could hear
The things that I fear
About him never knowing
That my love for him is growing.

Help me design my garden of life
Full of iris, crocus, and lily
With daffodils that shine so bright
Like the sun of the greater deities.

Make me a path that curves around trees
Of stepping stone, wood chip, and moss
Varying in array of colors
Causing one's mind to venture in thought.

Make me a garden so rich in hue
That the sun will fight not to set,
Where merely viewing its beauty
All differences one will forget.

Make me a garden like people of the world,
All different in culture and view,
Contributing to the person I am
Without your prejudicial few.

A garden of only one color, it seems
Would be dull and so very alone.
I want my garden of life to be filled
With every color known.

hi um i got back from vacation yesterday and today i had a appointment with my surgeon for my knee and i just got terrible news and i cried so much and ive been crying right now and i just wanted to let you know that i wont be as consistent with my poetry. I am in a really bad place and my depression is getting so bad and its getting the best of me. I wanna take the time to focus on my mental and physical health. I also wanna be patient and wait to heal as i am not happy because of the things i am not able to do with this messed up knee. It may sound stupid how im giving an excuse to random people why i wont write as much but ive felt more love on here than i have from my family. I love being able to write and share my thoughts and feelings without the need of being judged. I love every one of yall and am so grateful you take the time to read my words and give your feedback. Thank you so much and i hope to write sometime soon.

He doesn’t even hear the phone.
His skin is melted to the  bone.
Flicking lighters, getting higher.
He awaits to beg the buyer
To get more, to get more,
His body aches and then it’s sore.
It’s the rush, it’s the sting
All the comfort that it brings
Til it’s gone, til it’s ceased
To his knees. Amen. Now, peace.
Carry on. This isn’t real.
Keep the secret. That’s the deal.
I’ll keep quiet. I will hide it.
I will do my best to fight it.
But the horse is at the water,
I am the lamb and this is slaughter.

Today is January 1st, wednesday, 3:48 pm. Hi, i just got home from grandma's/ We ate menudo and she had alot of food. Oh and happy new year. It feels the same i guess. I'm just on my bed. I'll probably just play a game. um i'll write later i guess. - 3:53 pm, E.C
    Um. I'm crying so much. I wanna cut so bad. I cant do this. Please help. I cant. I just cant. I wanna be gone. Just like bubba (my brother) said. I'm an embarassment. A disappointment. Why me Jesus. Why. WHY. I wanna cry but nenas in here. I can't take it much longer. I have to cut. I'm sorry.
   It's dark. I don't know where my knife is.
I'm going to cry myself to sleep.  I HATE MYSELF.
-8:28 pm, E.C.

Fleeting eternity
surrounds the mountaintop,
nestled in a lush green valley
time forgot.

We're born, we learn,
and sometimes we weep.
No thought of time,
it quietly creeps.

Stones skimmed
through freshwater streams.
Breathing the harmony
of childish dreams.

We frolic, we flourish,
often in haste.
Time saunters by,
ample to waste.

Where seconds seem
to have immortality,
distant clouds tick to the beat
of our destiny.

We aspire, we desire,
we love and fulfil.
Time, we notice,
hasn't stood still.

It unravels
and unleashes.
It's sentimental,
yet sprightly releases.

We respired, we loved.
The winds of change blew.
Time we pursued,
yet it silently flew.

Gently fade into the
midnight hour of peace.
Our dreams immersed,
their flickers cease.

Ashes will carry
on a summer breeze.
Floating skyward
beyond the willow trees.

From earth to heaven
with God's grace and a prayer.
Listen to your heart,
you can find me there.

Never stop caring about the little things in life.
Never stop dreaming, and don't give into strife.
Never stop wondering are we on our own.
Never stop thinking has your spirituality grown.

Never stop building bridges that lead to better tomorrows.
Never stop trying, and don't give into sorrow.
Never stop feeling amazed at the beauty that surrounds you.
Never stop hearing the music, and don't give into the blues.

Never stop pushing away negative thoughts that make you feel sad.
Never stop looking at all the miracles we have had.
Never stop loving the ones you hold dear.
Never stop giving, and don't give into the fear.

Never stop smiling, but look forward to each new day.
Never stop shining in your own special way.
Never forget that all storms will clear.
Remember brighter tomorrows are always near.

My body craves it, but my mind doesn't.
Next thing you know, the bite goes down my throat.
"Why are you doing this?"
"You're a disappointment."
"You'll never reach your dreams."
"Why don't you just eat less?"
The devil on my shoulder says.

It's not easy. It's never enough. IM never enough.

"Didn't you just eat? You're eating again? "
"Why don't you eat? You've ate nothing but gum.."
"Hey, you look a little glum are you okay?"
"I miss her so much. I had just talked to her yesterday."

If I could take a brush and paint the mountains and the moors,
I would splash the hillsides yellow and cover them in gorse.
I'd take the finest needle and the darkest thread of green
And sew a line of bracken along the landscape. In-between

I'd lay a purple carpet of wild heather in the dells
And fringe the edge of all the woods with their pretty lilac bells.
I'd merge the bracken with the heather, mix their colours like the sea,
A green and purple ocean on my own rich tapestry.

Then I'd take a ball of soft, white wool and stitch a mass of daisy chains
Around the lush green meadows and up the sides of winding lanes.
I would stencil on the marshes, just like pure white china cups,
Some fragile water lilies and by the ponds, sweet buttercups.

I'd mix orange, reds and yellows planting poppies wild and free
Onto nature's coloured canvas, my own rich tapestry.

Outside lives a girl with a smile that will brighten up the room,
yet inside hides a girl with a frown full of despair.

Outside lives a girl with eyes of joy that bring you to ease,
yet inside hides a girl shedding tears of sadness.

Outside lives a girl with a beautiful laugh that's contagious,
yet inside hides a girl screaming her lungs out in unwanted anger.

Outside lives a girl with the personality everyone envies,
yet inside hides a girl full of insecurities and shame.

Outside lives a girl who is fearless and tough,
yet inside hides a weak girl who lives in fear.

Outside lives a girl full of life,
yet inside hides a girl full of pain, wanting to die.

Outside lives a girl with a perfect image,
yet inside hides a girl with regrets and mistakes.

Outside lives a girl of innocence,
yet inside hides a girl with tremendous guilt.

Outside lives a girl with goals and aspirations,
yet inside lives a girl lost in confusion.

What you see on the outside is my personal disguise.
What hides underneath, you can't even begin to imagine.

I am one of many
Small branches of a broken tree,
Always looking to the ones above
For guidance, strength and security.
One little branch trying
To keep the others from breaking away.
Who will fall?
And who will stay?
Now I stand alone,
Looking at the earth through the rain,
And I see the broken branches I knew
Scattered about me in pain.
There are those who have taken an ax
To the root of our very foundation
And who have passed this destruction
Down to every new generation.
If I could take that ax,
I would toss it deep into the sea,
Never to return again
To harm the generations that follow me.
I am one of many,
But alone I will go
And plant the new seeds
Where a beautiful tree will grow.

I try to write but nothing seems to come to mind.
"Oh how about this?" Nah, that sounds foolish.
I know I'm smart but it's like my brain just restarts.
Oh what to write.

This ink, it runs.
This paper is stained
Tears run free as
I'm stuck in a daze.
I put this pen to paper,
To write the words
This voice can't deliver.
My heart is heavy
With pain and despair.
Can't breathe.
I'm fighting for air.
My mind is spinning
At the speed of light.
This pain in my life
Has clouded my mind.
The thoughts are deafening
Of my life you took away,
But after all my
Heartache,
Someday I'll be okay!

How do you sit down and talk to your sister
and tell her that her Daddy has gone?
It's easier explaining the meaning of death
and why people die and draw their last breath.

But Daddy, he's gone to no peaceful heaven.
Instead he's in prison and serving a seven,
so how do you sit down and tell your own sister
the whys and the reasons her Daddy has gone?

"Listen, sis, you'll need to be strong.
Daddy has done something terribly wrong.
He's gone into prison for quite a long time,
and this is what happens when you commit crime."

"Daddy still loves us, he'll phone and he'll write,
ring you to wish you goodnight and sleep tight.
We can sit down together and write him a letter.
It'll make Daddy smile and make him feel better."

I tried telling my sister with emotional tact
the truth of the matter, but you can't hide the fact.
Her Daddy has gone and has gone for a while.
You can't say it with flowers or manage a smile.

So how do you sit down and talk to your sister
and answer her questions why Daddy has gone?
All you can do is just tell him your way
and pray to the Lord he'll be home soon one day.

Sometimes
I wish that you could see
This scared girl inside of me.
I'm not really as I seem.
I'm not tough, strong, or mean.
That isn't me.

This isn't the real me.
I fight by day,
Yet cry at night.
No one can see through
My false identity.

I've been hurt,
As you can see,
So I created
A fake me.

No one ever tries
To get through my shield.
All I want to be is me.

How do I show
What I've kept hidden for years?
How do I show
All the silent fears?

What would you think
If I showed you me?
What would you say
Without my false identity?

these stories we wear –

scars,
stretchmarks,
wrinkles,

are wrongly labelled
as imperfections.

but aren’t they such beautiful,
courageous signs
of how we have lived?

I was once sad and lonely,
Having nobody to comfort me,
So I wore a mask that always smiled,
To hide my feelings behind a lie.

Before long, I had many friends;
With my mask, I was one of them.
But deep inside I still felt empty,
Like I was missing a part of me.

Nobody could hear my cries at night,
For I designed my mask to hide the lies.
Nobody could see the pain I was feeling,
For I designed my mask to be laughing.

Behind all the smiles were the tears,
And behind all the comfort were the fears.
Everything you think you see
Wasn't everything there was to me.

Day by day
I was slowly dying.
I couldn't go on,
There was something missing..

Until now I'm still searching
For the thing that'll stop my crying,
For someone who'll erase my fears,
For the person who'll wipe my tears.

But till then, I'll keep on smiling,
Hiding behind this mask I'm wearing.
Hoping one day I can smile,
Till then, I'll be here...waiting.

In the shadow of your warm love
I feel so safe and secure,
And your soft, caring hands
Urge me on to bravely endure.
Your smiles soothe and ease the pain
Of another dark and lonely day;
The rainbow appears amid the rain,
My sorrow as quickly melts away.
A reassuring glow within your eyes
Tells me that you understand
The complicated ways of my sighs
Born of thoughts truly grand.
I continue to look upon your face
And gain a calm heart, my sweet solace.

I'm tired.
Tired of the constancy,
the constancy of judgment.
Tired of hiding,
hiding who I really am.
Tired of trying to stay strong.

I'm tired.
Tired of pretending,
pretending to be happy when all I want to do is cry.
Tired of not being able to let go,
let go of all the pain and emotions that consume me.
Tired of feeling worthless.

I'm tired.
Tired of being put down,
put down by the people I felt closest to.
Tired of dreaming,
dreaming of a life I will never have.
Tired of not being good enough.

I'm tired.
Tired of remembering,
remembering how I used to be so happy.
Tired of the blame,
the blame I put on myself daily.
Tired of the anger.

I'm tired.
Tired of crying,
crying in the shower so nobody can hear.
Tired of the fear,
the fear of being judged, hurt, and alone.
Tired of failing.

I'm tired.
Tired of holding on when all I want to do is give up.
Tired of being tired.
Tired of being me.