I thought I was in love with you,

But you don’t love me back,

So I can’t be

Can I?

You claim you do,

But I see how you look at her

I see the happiness on your face when you’re with her.

When you’re with me,

You always seem raw,

Depressed,

Angry.

Is that the real you I see?

Or does she just make you that happy?

Is it a mask

Or is pure joy?

I wish I knew

I’m sorry I can’t be that for you.

Because when I’m with you,

I am happy and depressed.

When I am with her,

I am depressed and happy.

Please help me make sense of this.

And you make it worse when you say

Maybe we can be more than friends…

Because I don’t think you really feel that way.

I’m sorry

I’ve wasted your time.

I don’t want to live forever

Because I don’t want to watch

Everyone

And everything

I’ve ever loved

Or hated, even,

Disappear from in front of my very eyes.

Especially you.

You mean more to me

Than many others,

All of you.

You all three know

Exactly who you are.

Number one is twenty

And treats me like royalty.

Number two is fifteen

And jokes about everything.

Number three is sixteen

And tells me everything.

Our conversations are real,

Raw,

True.

I’m going to lose you

And you’re going to lose me

Very soon.

I’d be lying

If I said

I could handle that.

There’s still eleven days left

But my heart hurts

Every time I think of it.

I love you, my friends

And I’ve been crying myself to sleep

Over it

Every night.

You.
You make me feel secure
In who I am.

You have never teased me
Have never been rude
About my identity.

You say you’re bi
Put I’m trans.
Maybe I’m just an exception?

Today you used my correct pronouns
And I was so happy.
You were too.

You try.
You really do.
And that’s amazing.

You say love is fake,
But you love me still.
Because I am your fate.

When I look at you,
I see all the good
And all the bad.

When I look at you,
I see a young man
Trying so hard to find his place in the world.

When I look at you,
I see love in your eyes.
They’re always twinkling when we’re flirting.

When I look at you,
I see you,
As you are.

I got tired of burying my friends.

Grave

After grave

After grave.

They all suffered the same fate

I’ve tried so hard to reach.

But that’s the problem with being immortal.

You can never die.

No matter how ******* hard you try.

My friends,

They were young.

It’s not like

They grew old

And died.

No, they chose

To take their own lives.

Imagine

Watching that

When you want nothing more

Than to die yourself,

But you can’t.

I see you

At the other end of this table

Smiling,

Laughing.

With her.

The one we both love.

But I love you, too.

I guess you don’t really understand that.

It tears me apart

To see you so happy with her.

I wish that were me.

But I don’t deserve you.

I wish I did.

How long will it take them to realize

That “you” don’t exist?

That you’re a figment of my imagination

A combination of all I have ever loved,

Ever lost?

A mixture of all the good

And all the bad

From each of them,

But in moderation.

Because I know,

You’d never dream of hitting me

Or ****** me.

You always ask

In breathless, day-dream whispers

Is this okay?

You always make sure

You haven’t hurt me

And you take care of me.

I wish you were mine.

I found someone ideal.

He’s a lot like you.

He says he likes me too

But I’m not sure I believe him,

Because he likes her too.

And with each passing day,

I miss you more and more

And believe in him

Less and less.

I didn’t mean what I said

There’s a little truth in everything

But I’ve always been a compulsive liar.

You trusted me

Like I trusted you.

I didn’t mean to break your heart

(If you even had one in the first place).

You don’t deserve me.

Tell me I’m a *******-up mess

And that I never listen

Because I know you’re a liar too.

You’re telling me these things

That I don’t believe

And I’m telling you things

That you don’t believe either.

Can we be trusted?

The burning desire—

No, the need—

To get more.

Your next hit.

Your skin crawls

I watch you

As your body shakes.

You say it’s okay

That you’ll be fine

You just need some more.

But it doesn’t work like that

Does it?

You always need more

More and more and more

You trust it with your life.

It makes you even more depressed.

Ironic, isn’t it?

That the things you used

To hide from your depression

Makes it more so?

Cigarette smoke fogging the room

Broken needles lying on the floor

Lighters, burnt spoons

Your happy little pills.

That’s what you call them.

But they aren’t so happy, are they?

You don’t seem very happy.

The drugs

The cigarettes

The alcohol

None of it makes you better.

It makes you wake up

Late at night

And cry.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To reach that happiness

That you seem to have found.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To reach inner peace

Like my mom did.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To reach my fullest potential

Like my brother did.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To make you love me

Like you made me love you.

Try as I might,

I will never be able

To hide from my depression

Like others have before me.

I exist, sadly,

Not because I am

And not because I do.

I exist

Because you think I do.

Maybe I’m just a figment

Of your imagination.

Maybe I exist

As a tool for your usage,

Your leisure.

For some,

I exist to torment.

For others, I exist

As a friend.

But for none

Do I exist

To love endlessly

With their entire being.

I do not exist

To feel

That which I do not

Deserve.

You think it’s funny

Don’t you?

But as I sit here

With words in my mind

Pain in my heart

blood on my arms

And tears rolling down my face

I ponder taking my own life.

Your words caused more than just hurt

It cost my life

And the light from the lives

Of those who actually give a **** about me

(not you).

Thanks a lot,

*******.

The you I thought I knew

Never would have hurt me.

They you I thought I knew

Would never have lied to me.

I thought I knew you.

I thought I loved you,

And I thought you loved me.

But you liked her

And I was incapable of love.

I loved the idea of love,

Not you.

You must feel

To love.

You must receive love

to reciprocate it.

You must feel alive

To give love.

I was none of those

And I had none of those.

She was everything you wanted.

A gentle breeze,

Playing with her cascading

Tendrils of chestnut-brown hair,

Making her sundress

Flutter around her knees.

The crystal-clear waves

Break as they hit the shore.

And with the wind,

By the light of the fire,

She whispers

I love you…

“Life Goes On”

Love wears off.

“Just hold on”

Before the lights turn off.

Those lights

That were always on

The sparkles in your eyes

Reflecting pools of mocha

Reminding me of the chocolate

From campfire smores

Or of the coffee

At that café

On the corner.

Some love wears off,

But my love for you never fades.

You took those beautiful lights

From me.

All those times you joked

Said maybe you wanted to get struck

By lightning.

Those times you said you wanted to die.

After moments of vulnerability

You laughed.

You smiled

And said it was a joke.

But you took your rose-coloured lips

That surround your pearly whites

From me.

Your took your shaggy black hair

That your mom recently made you cut.

I guess that means

You took your just long enough

Black hair from me.

You took your musical laughter.

You took your all-encompassing happiness

From me.

Because in those moments

When you were most vulnerable,

You shared them with me.

You thought it would be safe

Because I was your best friend,

No risk of losing your

Boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.

You know I would never tell.

Stay alive, Stay alive for me…

It was those simple words

Whispered that night.

Those words were the promise

That you couldn’t seem to keep.

Rain

Falling steadily

like I fell for you

drop by drop

breath by breath

slowly

then all at once.

She was an amazing artist,

Painting smiles

On the faces of everyone

But herself.

She couldn’t feel

The same love

She gave.

I
don’t
want
to
lose
you.

I think that

If you could read my mind,

You’d be tears.

My mind is a dark place.

You’d see all

My thoughts.

The ones that tell me I’m worthless,

That echo of the words

You told me.

The reverberations

Of fat, ugly, stupid.

I’m just that freak,

The ***,

The emo.

I’m a ****,

Obese,

Pathetic.

I’m sorry to share this with you.

Actually,

No.

I’m not.

Because when you tell me these words,

They burn

Behind my eyelids.

I see them all the time.

*******.

The licorice jelly beans nobody ever eats

(besides me).

The dark roast coffee

My dad always drinks.

The deep-fried mushrooms

We get at the sports bar every Sunday.

The bittersweet taste of summer memories

With each kiss of the berries.

The rich taste

Of dark chocolate on a rainy day.

The **** bite

Of Pinot Noir on a date night.

The taste of regret

That comes from eating plums in your white sundress.

It’s the beans

From my dad’s famous deer chili.

The sleepiness—or the alertness—

That comes from drinking that cup of plain tea.

That nice burn that comes

When you add to much pepper.

Black is my favourite colour

And this is what it tastes like.

you say that I am a sunset, all of my pictures of the sun until I thought of you were sunrises.

then I took the one. the one that was all of the vivid colours I see you as.

you are not dark and decaying, you are ethereal like the clouds hung in the sky.

much like the clouds,

you break down sometimes,

but you are still so very beautiful and deserving of love.

my favourite weather is rain, after all.

I miss the old days

When I could call you mine

And when I smiled

When I knew I could feel love.

But I left you

And now my heart is a lacuna,

That dark, empty, bottomless pit

Inside me, clawing at my soul

Trying to tear me to shreds.

When I was little,

my dad told me

that thunder

was God snoring.

How could this be?

If rain was Him crying

and lightning was

His sneezing?

Now, my dad tells me

to grow up and act my age.

I'm sorry,

but I thought

you were the one

treating me like

a child.

I let you take it from me,

All of it,

Because I thought you loved me.

I thought I loved you, too.

But now that I’m not there anymore,

You’ve changed.

Instead of careful whispers

And tender nights

In the back of that ****** van,

I have bitter memories

And regret.

You didn’t deserve me.

And I didn’t deserve you.

You’ve become such an ***.

Everyone messages me

Telling me how awful you are.

I let you take what little innocence

I had left.

You don’t know how ****** I feel now.

And I don’t mean this literally,

But,

****. You.

The sun loved the moon

So much

That he died every night

Just so she could be born again

And breathe anew.

You need to learn

To stay strong for yourself,

Not me.

Because one day,

I’m not going to be in your life

And I’m sorry for that.

But you know I love you,

You know I care,

So take those

And make life yours.

Stay alive

For yourself,

Not just me.

Sleep doesn’t help

If you’re exhausted,

Tired of life,

Wishing all this *******

Would just end.

But you don’t necessarily

Want to die,

Either.

You just want

To be free

Of constant ridicule

But that’s never going to happen,

Is it?