Sometimes it feels like you and me are out in the middle of the sea
I’m holding on to you but You aren’t holding on to me
I don’t know who I am but you seem to know exactly who you are
I’m fighting with myself
I don’t know what to feel or do or think
It would cause me physical pain to break your heart
I don’t know what to do
I just want us to become whole again

The healing process is long but worth it
As the 7th month is making its arrival I can't help but feel this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders
a weight I never thought would come off
I'll admit I was scared that I would NEVER get over that girl but suddenly my life is coming all together and happiness is seeking into my soul again
I'm loving the person I'm becoming and liking all the new people I've met and I seriously can't thank my circle of support enough, without them I don't know how I would have crawled out of that dark hole
Each person means a little something different but all giving me that same amount of love
Tiana - This girl I've cried and laughed with. She's told me things that I will never forget and she's been real. I seriously thank god for bringing her into my life. She's so amazing and doesn't even know it. We speak each others language and know what its like being a strong willed person coming from a mess. When she tells me she's proud of me I know it.
Katie - I was so broken when we met and she knew it. She checked on me days later and then I just knew that this girl is someone who I need in my life.
Sierra - Me and this girl are going through it together both hurt but both growing into these amazing women who will support each other forever. There had been nights that I wanted to die but I could just text her and just talking about it made it all better. This girl is special and I can't wait to see what amazing adventures life takes us on.
Emma - Emma is my life saver, first one to the scene and the first one to pick me up off the floor and to tell me that I was going to be okay. I didn't believe it then but I finally do. This girl and I have a long relationship and I know that whenever we go whatever we do we'll always be in each others hearts and minds.
Kai - I have never met a single person that has made me feel seen and appreciated more than her. She cried with me as a sobbed over a girl who I am way to good for. She has the kindest heart because she not only cried with me once but many times. I alway knew that she would be one to stay but now I know we will always be there for each other away.
Cailyn - this girl, weirdest meeting but a connection that is out of this world. We just get each other and this girl has helped me realized that absolutely nothing is wrong with me and that I am a badass ***** that deserve the world.
Athena - I literally told this girl my plans to marry that girl days before we broke up and she was really happy for me then but then when I texted her she had nothing but love and support for me. We've always been like this, always there for each other no matter what. No number of miles between us can stop the love we share.
Julie - this lady! She always is so optimistic for the future and so positive about life and always there to party, or talk, or both! I'm so happy she's in my life and I know she's here for good.
Sherrie - They say god made us cousins because our parents couldn't handle us as siblings and honestly I've felt more like a sister to this lady than I have ever felt with my brothers. She is always there and always has the best advice. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
Annie - usually when you lose your first love your mom is your go to but when you have a mom like mine you don't share much, luckily my mom has an old friend who's been a lifeline to me. She kind of fills my mom void and makes everything okay after I talk to her. We have this strange connection that she knows when I need to talk. States away but something that connects us. Always reminding me that I'm special and amazing and never forgetting to tell me how proud she of me. She just gets it.

I look into the mirror and I don't know who I'm looking at
This woman is beautiful and becoming and really tired because all of this is helping her forget
forgetting the person she once was
so in love or so she thought
but the love was an artificial love but it still left her in a million tiny little pieces that she is so desperately trying to glue back together so well that they look like that they were never even broken

The people around her say she has risen from the dust like a phoenix but what they cant see is the heart still burning to death from a loss she doesn't think she can recover from

This person in the mirror is who she wants to be but she is constantly waiting for it to be who she once was

and that is her toxic trait

Everyone on the outside says I'm doing great they see the happy, wings spreading, loving person that I am becoming

They don't see the bruised heart or constant string of bad thoughts going through my head all hours of the day

I really wish I could just see the outside too

I wish I wasn't apart of the inside

And I know I'm being far too negative and ******* myself but its how I'm surviving

Things keep happening
they just don't stop coming
you can't stop them and you can't stop living either
you have to find that way that makes it worth it
finding something to live for to keep the bad days bearable and good days even better
but
on your 45th bad day and you haven't been able to take a breathe and the **** is constantly hitting the fan please continue to believe that the magic and good things will come
i promise