everything's crooked
i tried to be myself
at first it was oh no
now its more oh well
i tried to hold the line
and it left my palms raw
i tried to make it right
but it was beyond repair all along

i turn away
because i don't want to be seen
i tried to have friends
i tried to stay clean
i tried to make amends
i tried to ignore the call
but its coming from inside the house
i wish it'd all just stop

i turn into myself
cause all i know is that
i've never felt your love
and i cannot have you back
i'm never what you want
surely never what you need
i tried and in the end
it's simply because i'm me

i don't want to be here anymore
i don't want to have these thoughts
i'm sitting in my car before work
shepherded by the clock
go here go there do this do that
i try to feel better
but i cant go home because i don't have one
just as useless as ever

if i could go back
i'd leave first
if i could do it all again
i'd just fade away
if it went my way
it'dve never had to hurt
if i could go back
just who would we be today

i bore my stripes today
like an open wound
obviously marked
immediately removed
from thought and consideration
as though the sight would end in bile
when a blade's edge margin defines conformity
who knows what tips the dial

my scars on display
not the people, places, and moments
that made me this way

like when you asked me to stay
only to abandon post and record over my presence
after rewiring my brain

your audience leaves me flayed
then further stung by stacked judgements
withheld until way too late

all of this is just to say
if you really felt that way
you should've just said so

it feels wrong
to say your name out loud
because why would you not be here
if you still exist

it feels wrong
scared to be the the last one at the party
but everyone went home and it's getting weird now
i gotta get over this

but i'm still crying on my way to work
and mentally feeling for you in the dark
or specifically the way you made my happiness real
and it seem possible not to starve

like the first fire in existence
first came curiosity followed by trials of trust
cold then warm and safe then charred
what you love just eats you right up

and it's so much harder to put the drink down
when the bottle is staring at you
i want to forget about it all most days
but that is not a can-do attitude

it feels wrong
but i have to do it anyway
the quietest part of me wants you back
but the rest does what its supposed to do

it feels wrong
to feel but no longer know
you're like a shape behind the curtains
and i'm avoiding that half of the room

but i spend every breathing moment
imagining it's contents almost believing
that the other side's still warm
that you're just outside the door

but that sounds wrong
i was just leaving actually
what was the problem
what was this for

they watch but they do nothing
as i struggle to grab up your wounded body
your arm just keeps falling and falling
and mine aren't strong enough to lay you back down softly

and i don't wanna drop you
so i try to take the worst of the fall
i say it isn't fair
you say it's not my fault
i try to believe you
but you're already gone
you deserved better

you deserved it all

if i sanded my edges
swallowed my pride
sought redirection
put in the time

i wonder if it might be different

if i knew better then
trusted intuition
recognized the signs
curbed indecision

if our boundaries didn't collide

do you still see the future
is it still a blinding white
or did it vanish when i did
like i turned off the light
do you miss me just a little
or suppose it wasn't all in vain
do you want to remember
or do i just feel that way

hanging my jacket
the living room's empty
the last door clicks
and then it all hits me

all my efforts were fruitless

who am i
to think that we could do this
the ease of your absence
all but proves it

and i should have tried to take it gently

but it was still unsure
yet familiar at the same time
i reached for what i knew
but my affections were denied
i couldn't talk to you
or make things alright
it was either the truth
or self-degrading lie

and in all honestly
if it didn't end so ugly
i wouldn't have left it there
i could've made something from nothing

and i bet you'd still put rocks in my pockets

so i'll avert my eyes
try to change the topic
hide my hands
embrace the caustic

i'm still learning that you didn't love me