Watching life unfold,
My life.
Powerless to change the way I am,
Unable to control the way my life goes,
No control on this ride through the years.

My life feels like a movie,
The sets made up,
The actors with lines remembered,
The events set to unfold despite me.

I spend the day thinking,
"Don't do that"
"Why are you doing that"

But I cannot stop myself from taking these actions.

I'm utterly without control,
A spectator in my own life,
A watcher from inside my body.
It's a strange feeling and I wish I could change it

Is it wrong of me to linger on your words?
I can feel myself sinking into the pregnant pause,
just before the light trickles through the curtains,
illuminating the empty space your words held.

I long for your voice, like the lily longs for the rain,
spring showers awaken and unfurls new leaves.
The rain turns a key inside me opening me up again,
letting all the water flow out, just in time for the drought.

The days are getting shorter, as the time since rain elongates,
leaves scorched curl around me, shielding what life is left.

Spring will bring your final bloom,
as the last remnants of your words,
give color to the tips of my petals.

you can promise me forever.
you can promise me every past star in the night sky,
every flower that the earth grows unapologetically,
every hour of sleep i always let slip away from me,
and i would still never believe you.

for some reason,
every word has lost its original meaning.
you tell me you love me,
but i can't even begin to grasp what you mean
when you say a four letter word that is the simpliest word to read.

i wish i could feel loved.
whatever that means.
and i wish i knew the original meaning.
whatever that means.

and then
one day
my sky
really did fall
and life carried on
without
me
but eventually
i was helped up
slowly
dusted myself off
and i even learned
to smile
again