Blue, I suppose, is the saddest color. It's the color of my mom's eyes and I always saw her crying after dad left. It's the color you're supposed to turn when you stop breathing because the boy you loved ripped your heart right out of your ribcage. It's the color of the sky on a beautiful day, but the soft blue horizon provides no comfort when you remember how blue you feel.

Close
is never
close enough
for me.

I want you
on every inch of my skin
no part of me
that exists
without you

I want your arms
around me
as tight as possible

I don't care
if i can't breathe

When I was little
and innocent
I thought the world my friend
I thought it best to be kind
and curious
and soft

As I grew older
and sadder
I thought the world terrible
I thought it best to be cold
and distant
and hard

As I grow ever older
and hopefully wiser
I think the world neither bad
nor good
nor a mix in-between
just as it is
not worthy of kindness
not deserving of cruelty.

When I was 5
And scraped my knee
I thought nothing could hurt more

When I was 8
And teased on the playground
I thought nothing could hurt more

When I was 15
And heartbroken
I thought nothing could hurt more

When I was 18
And almost lost you
I thought nothing could hurt more

As I grow older
And as I'm hurt more
I wonder
Each time
If the worst will ever be behind me

Before I met you
I was afraid
To let anyone in

Before I met you
I felt safer
Alone

Before I met you
I felt
Dead.

Before I met you
I never thought
In my wildest dreams
That someone
Could make me
Feel so alive

Because now that I've met you
I want to let you in

Now that I've met you
I never feel alone

Now that I met you
I truly understand
What it means
To be alive

I know it was selfish of me to think you could fix me, for I know of all the bruises my heart has housed, and all the tears my eyes have seen. I'm sorry for letting you believe your love would be enough to make my heart stop trying to claw itself out my chest.