I used to have this dream
There was a huge house in the forest
It was night, but well lit
I had been ***** and then
The man who ***** me took me apart
Limb by limb and piece by piece
No blood
And packed me in a briefcase
And walked out with the briefcase

My mother was a dreamer
My father was a sinner
And now I am  a daughter
With nowhere to call home

I laid out all the pictures
Constructing my memory
I was a happy little girl
Forgetting all my eyes had seen

I hid it deep inside
Every dark thing
Until one day once you'd died
I remembered everything
_

And now it consumes my thought
I try so hard to **** it
Abused and broken on the floor
There's a knife - a leg split

I'm far too vain to cut my arms
So I cut my legs
Why do I do this - it hurts
"Bittersweet", I said

Walking in the dark among the streets I knew
I remember you, the sky was black
And I was pale with fright of you

You smothered me, too much for me to bear
I couldn't scream I couldn't breathe
And you really didn't care

Punching me in my stomach
I felt a knot in my throat
I tried to form a fist, I couldn't
Felt my spirit start to float

Sleep paralysis is how my memories came back
It started with nightmares of me walking
And ending with me dying

the last time i saw you it had been a couple of years
it was night time and the moon was clear
everything was glistening with fresh snow
you brought my younger half sister and brother
we were all visiting in the house decorated for christmas day
suddenly you said you needed to go outside
and i really didn't know why you wanted to go outside
i sat there and i felt pretty awkward
not knowing if it would be okay to follow you
i finally went outside and kind of hurried because i didn't put on a coat
i noticed you were in your car and went over there to open the door
as soon as i did a bunch of cigarette smoke came out of the car
i immediately was taken back to a time when i was younger and it was summer
you had come to visit again and i caught you smoking a cigarette by my parents garage
i playfully yelled that i caught you
but now it was cold and i was confused
most of all i didn't want you to be uncomfortable or sad
i hopped in and  now i don't remember what i said, but
i remember your hair so wild and your hands
your thumbs were kind of stubby and your hands were strong
i remember feeling like i was the reason you were sad
you put out your cigarette and you were shaking so bad
i didn't know why you were shaking because it was actually pretty warm in the car
looking back i realize you were experiencing withdrawals
and i hugged you
we hugged for a long time and i'm blessed to still know what it felt like in that moment
i'll never forget how your hair smelled like japanese cherry blossoms
and how our hearts were right next to each other and beating in unison
i always knew you were my mother
knew i was your angel of which you reminded me so often
and knew i would always be connected to you
but i realized that we were the same
all the things that separated us didn't make us any different
to love you is to love myself and all my demons
to have been your angel is a forever calling
i am your angel
at your side
even when it's heaven you lie
forever your daughter
forever my mother
you are the blossoms
when i start to wither
thank you for giving me life
and thank you for love unconditional
thank you for memories of roses and tapes
dancing and clotheslines and bruises and scrapes
and for showing me that imperfection is a blessing
we are human and shouldn't get lost in reason
you were a dreamer and now are forever in the skies
it seems so fitting
you had the stars in your eyes
mother i love you
never goodbye
only i love you's
and sweet lullabies