SNICK*

The blade snaps open,
the serrated jagged metal
and blinding yellow plastic handle
My salvation, my knight in yellow armor.

Metal cold and unforgiving
meeting the innocent flesh
just below my knee,
the back of my calf.

Slow painful cuts
cutting to  the beats
of my breaking heart

Blood  a pulsing living thing
weeping out of the cuts
running down my leg
Crying the pain I feel inside

Remembering their joyous laughter
turns slow to furious slashing
as tears streak down my face
cutting deeper and deeper
with every touch of the blade

The tears freeze as the pain becomes blinding
Close the blade, tuck it away,
My leg a maze of angry weeping
showing the feelings I feel inside
showing the feelings I'm to afraid to admit out loud.

Take a piece of toliet paper and clean up the mess
Exit the bathroom stall, stand infront of the mirror
Put on my eyeliner, gloss up my lips.
Plaster on a bright smile.
Exit the bathroom all together

Walk to my cubicle, sit at my desk.
Log on to my work station
with that smile still on my face.

The girl who is too freaky
even for the misfits and outcasts
she doesnt belong anywhere
so she wanders the night alone

Her eyes watering with unshed tears
but she steels herself away from the pain
She locks her emotions deep down inside
Hardening herself to the world.

Her pain went unoticed
no matter how much she screamed
no matter how much she pleaded
on her knees begging for somone to listen

She might as well have been screaming into the wind
Her words fell on uncaring deaf ears
her cries and pleads brushed under the rug
Her heart breaking into dispair filled peices.

picking up the pieces of her heart
she took them and hid them from the harsh cruel world
emotionless and empty is how she now survives
because of the world the chewed her up and spat her out.

I'll never change
I'll always be this way
I'm to childish
I'm to young to understand

I've grown up more then you will comprehend
I understand more then you realize
I've grown up right in front of your eyes.
You're just blind
to what you're little girl has grown up to be.

I will admit in some ways you are right
I don't have that much responsibility right now
and no real bills to speak of.
But that will all change soon

Got a job 40 hours a week
And don't forget the overtime.
200 dollars a month straight to the electric bill
115 to my old collage loans.
Studying in the dead of night
to go get that learners permit.
saving up the cash for a licence and car.

No more relying on the dear sweet fiance
I'll save up my OWN money to get my little place
These steps may be small and baby
But they're steps in the right direction.

*You say that I'll never change
But what the **** do you know?

When she smiles she lights up the room
a 100 watt smile blazzing with power

when that smile disappeared
it was like living in hellish darkness

It went away for so long
I thought it was lost forever

But now that smile has come again
brighter and wider then ever before

I have never seen her this happy
I've never seen her glow like this

She blushes just at the sound of her name
her love shining through everything she does

When Summer smiles
it's better then cloud nine

I'm so happy for her
I'm so glad her smile is back

Did you ever just have a day
Where you nick yourself shaving
Just a little too closely.
Hoping its just a little too deep
And everything can end?

Did you ever have a moment
Where you fell down the stairs
And for just a second
Wish you could fall down
And land in just the wrong way
So your suffering can end?

Ever go through a whole day
Going over all the possible ways
You could die accidentally?
Because you cant bring yourself
To end your own life

I have

I do it everyday.

That moment
when everything you once knew
is stole from you
and you don't know how to get it back.

And all you want to do
is just jump into that black void
filled with shadows of the past
Just to keep the pain of the present at bay.

Innocent blue eyes
and an angelic smile
people always saying
"So sweet, So kind"
But they don't know
what lurks behind.

Behind the halo
two little horns,
a forked tongue,
And a heart tipped tail.

Devilish thoughts shrouded
in Hell's dark flames.

What's in my head
would make grown men cry
and sweet old ladies cringe.

I'll have you down on your knees
There's no escaping
the she devil in me
Once she's out of her cage.

My appearance so fooling
to the foolish mortals around
so do try to remember,

There are horns behind this halo