I realized, in Christian thought
If I prayed as much as I wrote
As much as I swore

If I read the Bible
As much as I make innuendos
Fake inappropriate with friends

If I spoke to God
As much as I speak to friends
As much as I spend time on the internet
As much as I listened to music
As much as I filled up every moment with noise...

I'd be a saint.

But I'm not.
I don't pursue.
I don't wake up saying,
"Lord Jesus, help me help others.
Help me be a better man."

Sure there are weeks
Then there are weaks

I'm left clutching a beer
Glass of ***
*****
Shots of Tequila

Wishing I was a better man.
Hoping I can be a better man.
Yet, when push comes to shove,
I do nothing.

I love You Father.

It has been a long time
Since I was with you
And despite all the time that has passed
It still feels the same
As if it had been minutes since I'd last seen you
Not months
With easy smiles and laughter
Friendly hugs and jokes
Holding you while you nap
Kissing you when you're mad
It is like coming home after a long day
Where you feel safe, and nothing has changed
So why is it that we spend so much time apart
When we are clearly so happy together
Why must me make life difficult
When our love could make it so easy?

Sometimes I feel as if I should speak up
And tell you how I feel
But right now we live in a world where everything is simple
And we needn't think at all
Just live, as we do
Happy, but not as happy as we should be
I think I should speak up
But I am afraid to to ruin what we do have
For the sake of what we could have
And I can't tell if this is because I love you too much
Or if the heart of a coward lies within me?

My heart beats at a standard pace.
Sitting here on my bed, nothing is real.
You're face crosses my mind and that standard pace becomes a rapid clip.

I wish you were here, so I could hold you close.
I wish you were here, so this aching would cease.
I wish you were here.

I pull this old blue hoodie over my head, tie up these frayed laces on these old boots and began a journey.
I step out the door, breath in the cold November air and smile.
I see your car parked in the lot next to my house.
I see you leaning on the hood, also smiling.

On the ride to the park the rain picks up.
Neither of us have an umbrella so we decide a cup of tea from the local cafe will be just as nice.
It really doesn't matter to me, I tell you, I'm here, right now, and so are you.

Recently, I have fallen asleep desiring never to wake up.
Recently, I have been waking up desiring going back to sleep.
Recently, I have found myself thinking more and more of you.
Recently, I have discovered that I think less and less of her.
Recently, I have wondered what it would be like, to be with you.
Recently, I have dreamed of you and I of you and I of you and I.
Recently, I have not been as sad.
Recently, I have been happy.
Recently, you.
Recently, you.
Recently, you.
Recently.
You.

Being as the clouds is a marvelous way to be.
So light, so free.
Way up in the air, without a single care.
They'll drop their rain when they **** well please.
And they'll skip over the mountain without bumping their knees.
The sun will shine through them, casting it's noble rays upon earth.
The sunsets will be of a golden shade: A beautiful, natural art.

Fluffy and soft.
Whit and clean.
Being as a cloud
is a majestic way to be.
Being as free and unwavering as a cloud
sounds alright to me.

I've never seen the sunrise as beautiful as the one I watched rise over you.
You had fallen asleep.
You had told me to wake you up if you did, you really wanted to see it.
But you're just so **** cute when you sleep.
The suns first rays shown through your golden hair, refracting the light into a beautiful spectrum of colors.
I leaned back on our blankets and sat up. Criss cross apple sauce, I took a pack of Luckies from my coat pocket. We had smooshed them at some point in our late night adventures but they were still intact.
With a unlit cigarette in between my lips which had grown so accustumed to kissing yours I looked at you. You were lying on your side, facing me with your back to the sun. The dew on the grass was surrounding our mound of blankets much like heart break had been circling our love; Threatening to precede but not truly troublesome.

Winter has steadily come,
And I'm not sure I can convey
How readily glum
The frost singed air
Feels as it sticks in my throat.
I might as well,
I might as well.
A pig pulled a
U-turn to warn me
Of the ghetto youths
Roaming the neighborhood,
He said to put my phone away
And be on guard,
This area is dangerous, you know,
How long have you lived here,
How long have you been alive?
My knuckles are stiff
And my toes need stretching,
And my mind keeps retching
From the smell
Of rotting leaves
Mixed with deferred dreams.
In this section of town
Named for Hughes,
I perceive the blues
He was wont
To sing,
I breathe the fluid
Inherent in the slums,
And think on why
The oil shines in
The gutter,
Why it's working in our blood,
But it's not the same as love
Why vagrants mutter
And Hope dissolves
Once the glitter of
The campaign wears off,
Left to sparkle in the dirt
With the cast-off gloves
And chunks of weave.
Oppression in the guise
Of freedom stresses
My beliefs,
And it's all I can do
To take solace in the relief
Of taking my seat on the
Bus I've been waiting for
That will drive me
Towards a different lie
And a less realistic
Metaphor;
Cleveland Park
And its expensive stores.

kiss me please.
kiss me hard.
let it leave
a mark, a scar.
let it burn and be a star.
kiss me please
and leave me charred.

I'm not so far away
as to miss it when you say
the way you feel.
i'll listen
and i'll pray
that it's real,
and steal a kiss
so that we may pay
only attention
to the tension between
our blue pools
atop mountains,
bringing them both
to the valley
to meet in the middle
and make up the sea.

kiss me.