I feel out the landscape of your heart,
and I know it more than this old soul,

and we trace the contours of the in between,
and we don't even want breath,
we exchange our airy breath,
like sailors lose their voices to the waves,

I fall into you like this is all there ever will be,
like I'm supposed to,
Though words, that could define us is,
what we truly seek.

We dare not speak,
we grow to fear,
the indifference of the words said,
launched without thought,
that could,
that would,
pierce the world we live,
and in this moment,
i could die knowing
I drowned in you love dear,
and that would be enough.
You'd be enough.

We sleep on couches,
we know the floor,
but with you,
my reality is a castle with secret gardens,
a sleeping beauty, awake.

and I want to bake in  the sunshine of your love dear,
pull down the covers,
and awake love.

I've counted the hours.
I've paid my time.
Willingly knowing, that there's the sun
at the end of the tunnel,
I fight the muck, I fight the mire,
May we never tire my love.

She smiles at me
Sitting there everyday
If only I knew who she was

She smiles at me
Pale skin bathed in light
Her eyes ask me to stay
If only I knew who she was

Scared to shatter my delusion
Silence holds me there
She smiles at me anyway

Swallow my fear
She sits there wordlessly pleading
Take my hand and look at me
What am I to say?

Another test?
The past wasn't enough?
Dark hair flowing
Her grace undemanding
If only she would stop smiling at me

Close my eyes
Wishing she'd disappear
Close my eyes
Wishing I was nearer

Walk up to her
Her twinkling innocence imploring
Sit by her side and
Whisper

Why do you torment me?
Are you only in my head?
Is your smile the truth
Or just another radiant lie?

She smiles at me
With ruby red lips parted
An image of purity
long thought departed
If only I knew who she was

She gets up with ease
but with a strength unseen
Surely she is salvation
My perfect illusion

Please don't leave
Ive gotten used to you
Grab her hand
Cracks like glass
Grasping at the breeze
I'm sitting alone

She smiles at me
From far beyond
Safe in my minds eye
I know who she is
Finally im free

Open my eyes
And smile

...He smiles at me
Sitting there everyday
If only I knew who he was...

Here comes the Monday priest 
Blessing the girls in bikinis 
The whole country's a beach 
Or at least theres sand 
Who needs to see the sea 
When you've got all that land 

High priest with your high morals and high quarrels heavy
Down that burning paper bundle
Greet the incense, o dismay
Lord knows best- time to put the flame out, welcome day 

It's viscous, ferocious 
Heftier than the skulls of religion 
And thicker than those people you're trying to get through to.

And to think,
That I’ve learned to trade warm summer nights
Window breezes against sweaty foreheads
Quiet suburban nights

With the feeling of fog against my skin
And images
Of blurry streetlights
Cradled against dripping water
Golden gate clouds and
Ocean breaths

It’s been almost a year
Since I’ve learned the language of the north
And let it slide off of the tip of my southern tongue until it turned into condensation
Since I moved
That much closer to the sea
And away from palm trees
near steep hills
And away from flat land

I still have nights
where I wrap myself around warmth
To remind me of home,
To remind me of late night drives to empty grass lots on top of hills
To remind me of maroon and gold
To remind me of the silence of streets after night
And how silence could make you feel so full

And to think,
The one place that I tried to escape
Would become the topic of this love poem.

Dear West Covina,
For a while I forgot the definition of home.
I forgot
That your green and gold shields
Like entrances into safe havens
Could remind me so much of myself
And how you
Were so good to me
And when I first left
When I first,
Packed all my things into a car and drove 400 miles away without plans to return
Without a promise or a goodbye

I meant it

And the truth is,
I still mean it now
But sometimes,
You seem tempting to come back too,
You remind me that humble
Can be more than a word
And that family
Is the foundation for roots
And I’m still a shrub
Hoping that someday I can look like a tree
And say I finally did it
Say that I finally left your grasp
And did it before it was too late
But sometimes I’d like to say I’m sorry
For every time I cut a strand that still needed to grow
And for every time
That I took for granted what you did for me

And how in the end
You weren’t so bad
And your arms still have room for me like you did when I first met them 14 years ago in the peak of the summer
where our first house opened its door to us like a guardian
And how regardless of the amount of pain red and yellow kitchens bring
I can still sleep better in your white angel couches than anywhere else
And when I step outside on summer nights
There is a small breeze

And I know
That you will still
Remember
My
Name.

Today is the anniversary of nothing
The birthday of almost
And could-have been
On this fence post,
Balloon heads hang in shame
Their white faces
Grimly fixed upon the ground

Full of wasted breath