beginnings  bring
everyday anger
setting slings
of unfortune
upon girls
crying, innocents
dieing
bodies disfigured
all for
your disembodied
dieties

forcing your
HATE
crimes against
my sisters
little brothers
you’ve stolen
lives.

*******

and your
selfish ideologies
they were
just babies
with hands
beautiful hearts
dreaming sweetly

you are
lifetimes away
continents apart
just pray
you never
feel wrath
of this mother
this sister
this angry girl.

In random moments
I whisper to myself to remember.

Remember this.

Sunlight glaring off ocean waves.
Wind whipping across the sand.
The salty, fishy, clean smell
brown and bubbly white seafoam streaks.
And my toes in sea and land.

Laughter of a little girl,
small fingers dig
building big castles.

*This is where I am supposed to be.

deep breath.

too shallow
too quick
try harder

deep breath.
deep breath.

heart pounds
skin sweats
fingers shake

deep breath.
deep breath.

just breath.

it has been too long my friend
you wrapped your arms around me
in a dream

And I remembered what it was
to feel safe
took comfort in your warmth

For a moment
I knew what it felt like
to be home

There was distraction
so called "responsibilities"
"obligations" - the order of things
But still a naive confidence
that the rainbow wasn't going anywhere

****** in, swirled, flushed
I wake up
about every 5 years
Screaming STOP!

or at least slow down

The little voice gets beat, smacked
and dragged back down

So afraid there won't be a next time
this ones fading,  already far away
woke up in a frenzy this time
But already sliding back down

****** when you realize
you are your own enemy.
Well trained, domesticated consciousness
doesn't tolerate the embarrassment
of its own true colors.

You're like a wave.
Your ******* voice, in my head
coming and going,
Crashing into my silence.

My quiet moments
flooded with memories of dreams.
Enveloping me,
and your voice, the wave, rises.

Always there, conversing, debating, soothing, challenging
Reminding me that I am not alone.
BUT I WILL ALWAYS BE ******* ALONE.
Left wanting.

Chasing after shadows I know are not real.
Trying to convince myself they are not real.
Really, be logical - it is not real.
Leave me alone, get out of my head
You are not real.



*please be real