She held her breath
And held her breath
And thought of him,
Left to gasp
For the thick, heavy air—
Air that sat still
Between them.

The short distance,
Within minutes,
But hours,
Days,
Weeks,
So far apart
From where we were,
Where we are,
Who you were.

I don’t know,
But you’re holding all
These pieces of the
Heart that I had taken
All of this time to piece back,
Back together.

And you hold it
In a scummy pawn shop,
Collecting the interest,
The interest I scrape together,
Just enough
To keep you holding them—
On a shelf in the clutter
Of your garage,
Mixed with everything you
Hold onto to discard
But can’t seem to part with.

She’s got your heart
With so much disdain,
Silencing your pain,
The subtle breaks
Behind music and sound
That drown the cracking out—
Like you did with me.

Still, I paint,
And in my visions,
On this blank canvas,
You’re all I see.

So I hold my breath
And gasp to breathe.

Let me go.
Let me free.

I stood there humbly with my head down
looking at my feet
I felt as you took me apart piece by piece
I patiently waited as you analyzed me.
I listened quietly while you told me all of the reasons I wasn’t good enough.
I listened when you told me you couldn’t respect me, my love.
I let you compare me to your ideas,
to the people you know.
I carried that hurt and I didn’t let it show.
I ****** up my pride and convinced myself that this is just what you need to do,
And one day you will see that I really was enough for you.

I realized I’m doing it again.
Holding hands with my childhood friend.
Every time I see you I am filled with anxiety.
As long as I love you, I will always bleed.

My darling,
Your eyes look so weary.
My darling,
You are fading softly.

Three days you’ve been awake -
Boxing memories and keepsakes.
Taking on the world all on your own,
But i’m right here, you’re not alone

Let me bear all of this weight you keep.
Close your eyes love, let yourself sleep

Lay the bricks
Lay them high
Keep you safe
Up to the sky
Night will fall
He will call
Sit quietly
Within your walls
Closeness too far
The darkest star
Could I be any other?

07/26/24

You push and you pull
Like a rubber band
You say all the right things
But you don’t understand
Why I pull away
And want to hold your hand
You think I’m just free
But you don’t really know me
I’m not ready
To fall so hard
You keep coming
For pieces of my heart
I guess I’m enough
When you want me
But im not enough
When she’s on your mind

—

You stretch and recoil
Like a taught rubber band
Articulating perfect words
Failing to understand
You wonder why I retreat
While longing for your hand
You imagine I’m careless and free
Never truly seeing me

Unprepared to tumble, deep
Yet you persistently seek
Fragments of my heart
I seem enough when you desire
But falter in your eyes
When her shadow conspire

—

How many ways can I write this?

Could I find you in everything?  
Would you look at the skies as I do?  
Would you see all their shades of gray, and blue?  
Above rooftops and trees,  
Above homes filled with families,  
Would you see all for what they are?  
A symphony of love at the center of hearts?

Could I find you in my hands?  
In the calluses and soft touch,  
Would you be harsh, gentle, and just enough?  
Could I find you in the words I carry in my palms,  
Flowing rivers of thoughts that sing like a song?

Could I find you in the mornings,  
When I wake before the sun,  
When life is love and love is life,  
And you are the only one?  
Could I find you in my coffee,  
The way it warms me softly  
And leaves its taste upon my lips,  
The ones I wish you would kiss?

Could I find you in my shoes or my dress,  
Or the table beside my chair?  
Could I find you on the couch,  
Or in the stillness of the air?

Could I find you in my arms,  
Where I imagine I hold you close?  
My very sweet dear friend,
Is it wrong to want you the most?  

Of all the night skies I’ve gazed upon,  
Your light is the most true.
You are the moon above my sea,
Your glow dancing upon waves set free.
I could find you in everything,
In all that I feel and see
Turning this scattered life of mine
into beautiful poetry

For now, I’m going to stop.  
I have a lot to do.  
But just for a moment,  
All was lost and everything was you.

(To be revisited, one day)

Would a rose by any other name be as sweet?
Would a rose gifted by another sweep me off of my feet?
Would the fragrant scent make me so softly weak?

Never have I ever been one for flowers,
Their allure held but for a few hours,
A vibrant life for temporary display,
Before they drop all their petals, wilt away.

A perspective from closed eyes open to see,
Finding sincerity in the twelve before me,
Watching their flirtatious shadows dance
As the petals sway to the breezes romance

Studying their intricate details,
Have I never read the story each rose tells?
Sewn into the earth, cared for, tended to,
Their history of love, unfolding in bloom
Like books unfurling pages, one by one
Each petal a testament to the tenderest love

I imagine his eyes, the warmth of his heart
For a moment their stories and my own were of one part.
Gifted with the purest intentions, a hopeful beginning
From those hands seeking love, never-ending

So would a rose by any other name be as sweet?
If from the hands of the one who gifted them to me.