One thing I know about life is that
when people are treated lesser than
what they are continuously, they will
believe it.
And I know how much worse it is
for those who struggle with their mental
health. Bad treatment is enough to push
them over the edge.
Yet I'm still here, and I ask for what
and why. I'm emotional, naive, and tend
to over-apologise. I do and don't trust,
I can be wise and stupid. I live, I want to
live but I'm scared to really live.
And now I'm here, on the bench, feeling so
hopeless. Like I can't be who I want to be.
That I'm not worthy of doing what I want to
do. And I go through that train wreck of
emotions - feeling depressed and anxious
and fearful and angry and emotional and
crazy and judgemental and nonsensical
Just hopeless, just hopeless, JUST HOPELESS!
...I won't lie, there are days where I lie on
my bed or sit on the bench thinking why I
was placed here. There are days where I
want to end it all, that I was only hurting
myself by breathing but I realised two
things.
Ending my own life would be a
permanent answer to a temporary
problem. Just like the good times, the
bad won't last forever, even if there are
times where it feels like it's endless.
Could I really go over to that edge,
not knowing what life would have been
like if I had just pushed through? If I had
stood strong with my sword and shield?
That's a question that I know the answer
to, hence why I never had the will to see it through.
And I know that I never will.
Truly I am my own worst enemy...
But I hope that You will heal and complete
me. I can feel it, the hope, growing, burning
in me. Hotter and truer than ever, burning
away all the seeds of sin, the thorns of hate
that hold me down. I can feel, I see you sit
by my side. I am not alone, nor will I ever be.
And I thank you for the flame of true Hope that burns in me.
Ok, this is another poem close to home. This was excruciatingly hard to write but I wanted to share this. Writing this made me really sit down and look at myself so the fact that it's ranty and kinda jumbled is intentional. It was me showing you my mindset. It's weird. I watched a few videos that seem to speak down to my very soul. I've been crying for no reason in-particular, been really reflective and frustrated. But through it all, I feel a little different. I feel a fire in my heart (as cliche as it sounds) and I feel like, I'm finally awake. I dunno why but I'm feeling really really hopeful now.
My mood is not as low, thank God, and I'm grateful.
Now it's just about putting the fire to good use.
Hope, The Mer in Me and Phoenix especially have been great releases emotionally speaking (I'm not neglecting my other poems)
I'm glad I got it out of my system, most of it anyway.
To Pagan Paul, thank you for your support and all your messages, they were very helpf