I COULD HAVE HATED YOU.
WITH CRACKED DOORS AND OVER-THROWN SOFAS.
RUMPLED SHEETS AND BROKEN SILVERWARE AS
TIDAL WAVES MOVE ALONG TO THE BEAT OF YOUR POUNDING CHEST.
I COULD HAVE SHOUTED MY HATRED FOR YOU USING MEGAPHONES RIGHT ON YOUR EAR SO IT STUCK PERMANENTLY.
I NEVER USED TO LISTEN TO AUTHORITY BUT I FIND MYSELF EMBEDDING EVERY WORD SHE SAYS ONTO MY SKIN AS IF IT WAS THE LAST BREATH I WILL EVER TAKE.
I COULD HAVE HATED YOU AND RIPPED MY HEART INTO SHREDS AS I WATCH YOU WALK AWAY FROM ME WITH A BOUNCE ON YOUR STEPS
FINALLY FREE FROM SOMEONE LIKE ME.
OH, DARLING, I NEVER EXPECTED YOU TO STAY BUT I NEVER EXPECTED TO FALL IN LOVE EITHER.
AND THAT WAS MY MISTAKE.
TO BE THE ONLY ONE JUMPING AND HITTING THE WATER WHILE YOU STOOD ABOVE WATCHING ME DIVE INTO MY OWN MISERY. YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, DARLING. YOU KNEW IT ALL ALONG.
I COULD HAVE HATED YOU BUT LOVE DOESN'T JUST LEAVE YOU WHEN YOU TELL IT TO. IT HAS ITS OWN SENSE OF TIME.
AND IT IS STILL STICKING TO ME LIKE A ******* PARASITE.
I COULD HAVE HATED YOU BUT WE BOTH I KNEW I COULDN'T DO THAT.
YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF MY LOVE AND DROPPED ME LIKE FIVE YEAR-OLDS DO WITH RICE GRAINS AND YOU NEVER BOTHERED WITH THE FIVE-SECOND RULE.
I COULD HAVE HATED YOU
BUT I LOVE YOU AND DARLING,
THAT WAS MY BIGGEST MISTAKE.

m.j.

darling, i.
i intend to die in the center of your palm as the contours of your skin hold me so dearly like your mother's fine china and the sweetness of her knuckles kissing your skin.
hear the mocking laughter of silence as no one comes to your aide.

however
                    i am less than the songs you listen to at three a.m. in the morning when you're drowning in your own pool of desperation to get away from the monsters in your head that keep you awake like a passionate lover.
but i am also more than the sharp blades you keep stashed beneath a pile of clothes in your closet. i am more than ******* that meets everything you eat as if they were neighbours and purging was their way of saying "hello".
i am more than the numbers on your weighing scale. i am more than the days
you spend your time sleeping in bathroom floors and getting comforted by the walls that never seem to like you and instead of them closing in, they back out. they back out and give you more space. more space for emptiness to pick you up only to throw you back on the floor even more severely than depression did.

m.j.

It's breaking.
I hear its pieces scattering across the floor.
I have no slippers.
Barefoot I walk across the glass pieces.
I am bleeding.
Time is smudging into one another and it has become a year now.
I am still bleeding.
I am still walking on glass pieces.
This time, there is more, however.
They are sharper but much more smaller and so you never know where it is.
And I think that is what evil is.
Subtly sitting there, waiting for you to make a mistake and step on the glass shard that will ***** your skin and make you bleed.
I was not aware the pain would be this severe. Something so trivial shouldn't hurt so much, should it?
But then it is not trivial. At least not to me.
It is much more. Much more. So much more.
But it looks so tiny compared to everything else I've been through.
That is why I do not get why I am so affected at something so little when I have experienced much worse.
The skies are getting darker. I can hear wolves howling and it is so solemn.
I think it senses my mood. I could only wish it is sympathising with me and singing me a tune.
m.j.

I look at you and I see trees dancing in tangible rhythm with the wind like your hair blowing in directions compasses never seem to have captured and your face is clear now. I see those eyes. Irises so black i fall inside just to test the height because i've always liked doing dangerous things and that dangerous desire has led me to loving you. carving your name in skies that you will never see as you have always been blind to anything Intimate that came from me. you once told me you never liked Affection and that it only brings up bad memories and i sit there itching to scratch the back of your head to erase anything painful from your past. I see secrets hidden in between your long eyelashes that never once saved me from staying trapped inside your gaze and i am shivering at how cold it is in here. Then i see those lips. Lips that my mother warned me not to kiss but Temptation always gets the better of me. Now i feel the attachment forcing itself inside my mouth and punching the back of my throat and I am choking at how fast i fell for you. I wonder how to get over the feelings that have soared over my whole nervous system. i am convulsing with each passing thought of you and i am tripping over my own stupid feelings that seem to be towering over skyscrapers. I was never afraid of heights but darling,am i scared of you. I am scared of how fast i will fall and how deep and how you will not be there to cushion my fall.  I wonder how do i get over someone who has wrapped me all over his little finger like grapevines only you squeeze out my blood to drink over dinner as you watch me burst into flames from the way my heart ignites every time your skin touches mine. but darling, i would rather die with your arms wrapped around my neck while i whisper my prayers one last time that my ashes leave a mark on your fingers and that i will always be the dirt underneath your fingernails and i think, i think, i will die happily. if that happened, baby, i will not regret a thing.

Eyes that finally opened.
Nose that smelled the sweet aroma of the wind.
Mouth that started laughing.
Ears hearing words as they talk to me.
Heart that is finally beating.
It's beating, beating, beating.
Lungs that finally carries air inside.
I'm breathing, breathing, breathing.